The Blame Game
What is the most popular game of all time? Some will guess Truth or Dare, Monopoly, or maybe even the Drinking Game - but they would be wrong. The world's most popular game was never taught but it seems to be a skill with which every human was born. The name of the game is simply called the "blame game." We usually grow to hate this game and yet most of us continue to play it.
Human beings are experts at this game because we have had so much practice. Remember fighting with one of your siblings as a kid? They would do something that we didn't like, so we would retaliate and when the punishment seemed to be on it's way, we would say something like, "they started it”, or “he hit me first." In our immature state, we tried to find a way to blame other people for our problems. Unfortunately, many of us do not leave this state of being.
Money and water may be scarce resources but there is no shortage of blame. We like to blame people for everything but we don't like to look at our wrongs. I knew a girl who couldn't understand why people didn't like her. If you asked her, she would tell you everything that was wrong with other people but you would never hear her say what she did to contribute to this. This girl was a liar and a gossip - people hated her because she was a trouble maker. She refused to take responsibility for what she was doing wrong. Instead of looking within, it was always everyone else.
I see the blame game just about every day of my life. It's hard for people to fully take responsibility for their own actions. Blaming others, in a way, makes us feel better about ourselves. Sometimes we refuse to see ourselves with the same lenses that other people do. When people try to point out something that we have done to them, many of us try to find a way to put some of the blame back on that person. It's almost as if we all become mini lawyers because we will try to justify our way out of everything.
Have you ever had a conversation with your married friends? God knows that we are expert blame artists! I talk to my best friend about his wife all of the time and he sure knows how to blame her for things but when I play devils advocate with him, he can justify himself with the best of them. I won't just throw my boy under the bus, I may be king of the blame game. In my head, if I feel like you have done me wrong, I feel justified for behaving a certain way. If my wife tells me that I did something wrong or comes at me in a less than loving way, I have been known to dish out what I felt I was receiving.
The blame game truly has no place in a marriage. What I am currently learning is that the people who usually play the blame game, have too much pride. Honestly I like to see myself as humble, but marriage has shown me that I lack true humility. Sometimes you have to sit back and shut up when your spouse is telling you something. You can continue to go back and forth with each other but trust me, you won't get far. You may even be justified in how you are feeling but even then, you aren't justified in the blame game. It is said that if someone smacks you in the face that you are to turn the other cheek but what most of us don't understand is that this is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength! The blame game won't get us very far and justification is only for self edification. In the end we will be held responsible for what we do and have done - there will be no points added for the blame game!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
YOU NEED TO CHANGE MORE THAN YOU THINK
You Need to Change More Than You Think
I have always heard the saying “Men go into marriage expecting their women not to change; women go into marriage expecting that their husbands will”. From the beginning of the marriage, there is already this push and pull. We often walk into marriages with mixed expectations and this makes it harder to become one. Both sides have to realize that they must adjust their perspectives and that there is need for change.
The word change is a very dirty word for most people. Let's face it, when someone thinks you should change, you feel as if they are telling you that something is wrong with you. It's hard not to take things personally because you feel that this is the person that your spouse married and that they should have known that this was who/how you were from the beginning. Honestly, this is where the trouble truly begins and where animosity begins.
Everyone is reluctant to change, especially when someone is requiring it of you. When you change on your own, it obviously does not feel forced. When someone else wants you to change, most people fight it tooth and nail. I guess you can say that this is where pride takes over. When that happens, it's difficult to get through to the other person. Instead of listening to each other, it almost seems as if you begin to try to “one up” the other person.
The problem with most humans is that we know that we are not perfect and yet we act as if we are. Fundamentally we know that we have issues but we don't like it when other people try to tell us. When our friends tell us that we aren't perfect, we laugh it off or we tell them where they can go. When our spouses tell us about our imperfections it’s a slap in the face. We expect for them to live with us, flaws and all.
Change is all around us and to tell you the truth, we change all of the time. Sometimes we change by choice and other times out of necessity. When it comes to changing in marriages, our personal feelings get in the way. That seems to be the thing that makes changing so difficult - being personally invested takes over our rational thinking. Change, however, does not need to be as horrible as we make it.
Honestly, I feel that change comes from within. Once your spouse lets you know that there is an issue, you have to decide to change to accommodate them. All too often we expect our spouses to change right on the spot or when we want them to but that can be dangerous. Change isn't something that happens overnight for most people. Sure, some people can change cold turkey but that is not the norm. Someone who has been a certain way their entire life now has to change - that does not come easily.
I am not going to sit here and act as if I have this change thing down because I do not. Honestly, change is very difficult for me. I am a very analytical person and when I don't feel like something makes sense, it's hard for me to change. The thing about change in marriage is that it is a two way street. All parties must be willing to change in order for things to work. No matter how great you think you are, you will need to change. If you can seriously read this and think that you do not need to change, you probably need to change more than you think!
I have always heard the saying “Men go into marriage expecting their women not to change; women go into marriage expecting that their husbands will”. From the beginning of the marriage, there is already this push and pull. We often walk into marriages with mixed expectations and this makes it harder to become one. Both sides have to realize that they must adjust their perspectives and that there is need for change.
The word change is a very dirty word for most people. Let's face it, when someone thinks you should change, you feel as if they are telling you that something is wrong with you. It's hard not to take things personally because you feel that this is the person that your spouse married and that they should have known that this was who/how you were from the beginning. Honestly, this is where the trouble truly begins and where animosity begins.
Everyone is reluctant to change, especially when someone is requiring it of you. When you change on your own, it obviously does not feel forced. When someone else wants you to change, most people fight it tooth and nail. I guess you can say that this is where pride takes over. When that happens, it's difficult to get through to the other person. Instead of listening to each other, it almost seems as if you begin to try to “one up” the other person.
The problem with most humans is that we know that we are not perfect and yet we act as if we are. Fundamentally we know that we have issues but we don't like it when other people try to tell us. When our friends tell us that we aren't perfect, we laugh it off or we tell them where they can go. When our spouses tell us about our imperfections it’s a slap in the face. We expect for them to live with us, flaws and all.
Change is all around us and to tell you the truth, we change all of the time. Sometimes we change by choice and other times out of necessity. When it comes to changing in marriages, our personal feelings get in the way. That seems to be the thing that makes changing so difficult - being personally invested takes over our rational thinking. Change, however, does not need to be as horrible as we make it.
Honestly, I feel that change comes from within. Once your spouse lets you know that there is an issue, you have to decide to change to accommodate them. All too often we expect our spouses to change right on the spot or when we want them to but that can be dangerous. Change isn't something that happens overnight for most people. Sure, some people can change cold turkey but that is not the norm. Someone who has been a certain way their entire life now has to change - that does not come easily.
I am not going to sit here and act as if I have this change thing down because I do not. Honestly, change is very difficult for me. I am a very analytical person and when I don't feel like something makes sense, it's hard for me to change. The thing about change in marriage is that it is a two way street. All parties must be willing to change in order for things to work. No matter how great you think you are, you will need to change. If you can seriously read this and think that you do not need to change, you probably need to change more than you think!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
CHEAP GRACE...THE CHRISTIAN KILLER
“cheap grace”...The Silent Christian Killer
I have visited several different churches and denominations throughout the years and the one constant throughout each church is that everyone believes that they are saved. When you hear the altar call each week, the preacher basically asks everyone, “do you know where you are going if you were to die today?”. Some rush up to the front to assure their salvation, while others believe that they have already obtained it. But is walking down the aisle to the front of the church enough?
It is often said that in order to be saved, we must believe in the Son of God. We must believe that He came to suffer for our sins and that because he suffered for our sins, that if we believe in Him, we will be saved. Clearly I am simplifying things a little but for the most part, this is the main platform for Christianity. Though I am also a believer in this teaching, I caution all so-called Christians to not think that the journey stops there. As James 2:19 says, "Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble. But wilt thou know, O vain main, that faith without works is dead.
Please do not mistake what I am trying to say, we are saved by grace. That means that nothing we have done or can do will save us. With that being said, grace does not give us the ability to do what we wish. Many of us are walking around thinking that because we are "saved" that we can live a life of sin. We must understand that Jesus died to forgive our sins, but not so that we would continue to live in our sins. Some folks think that because they say that they are saved, that they really are saved.
A great deal of Christians are walking around with this thought of “cheap grace”. With “cheap grace” many live as if everything can remain as it was before. That is why many people do not respect Christians because we look and act no different than them. It's like saying I am saved and yet you sleep around, take drugs, use filthy language, and spend your time in the club. My question to you, is do you think that sounds like someone who is truly saved? I have spoken to many pastors on the subject of "Once saved always saved" and they all pretty much say the same thing -you cannot gain salvation and then lose salvation. I then pose the question to them, “if someone comes down to the altar to be saved and truly believes it at the time but then turn right back around and continue to live a life of sin, will they go to heaven?”. Most, if not all of the pastors say that maybe that person was not truly saved from the beginning.
I believe that our churches stay filled today because our preachers are fixing meals for the people that are easier to digest and because there is not true contrition involved. Are we not called to repentance? To repent is not to half way say Lord forgive me, it is to feel the wrong in what you have done and to turn away from that wrong. It is not to perpetuate that wrong and think that grace has covered it.
Am I saying that he who believes in Christ is not saved? No I am not! Am I saying that we are not saved by grace? No, I am not! Am I saying that because we become "saved" that we will never commit sins? No I am not! What I am saying is that someone who is saved does not live a life of perpetual sins. They do not purposefully and boldly sin. A saved man falls and gets back up -he does not stay down and wallow in his sin. And as the Lord says in the book of Matthew, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!" Don't let your “cheap grace” do you in!!!
I have visited several different churches and denominations throughout the years and the one constant throughout each church is that everyone believes that they are saved. When you hear the altar call each week, the preacher basically asks everyone, “do you know where you are going if you were to die today?”. Some rush up to the front to assure their salvation, while others believe that they have already obtained it. But is walking down the aisle to the front of the church enough?
It is often said that in order to be saved, we must believe in the Son of God. We must believe that He came to suffer for our sins and that because he suffered for our sins, that if we believe in Him, we will be saved. Clearly I am simplifying things a little but for the most part, this is the main platform for Christianity. Though I am also a believer in this teaching, I caution all so-called Christians to not think that the journey stops there. As James 2:19 says, "Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble. But wilt thou know, O vain main, that faith without works is dead.
Please do not mistake what I am trying to say, we are saved by grace. That means that nothing we have done or can do will save us. With that being said, grace does not give us the ability to do what we wish. Many of us are walking around thinking that because we are "saved" that we can live a life of sin. We must understand that Jesus died to forgive our sins, but not so that we would continue to live in our sins. Some folks think that because they say that they are saved, that they really are saved.
A great deal of Christians are walking around with this thought of “cheap grace”. With “cheap grace” many live as if everything can remain as it was before. That is why many people do not respect Christians because we look and act no different than them. It's like saying I am saved and yet you sleep around, take drugs, use filthy language, and spend your time in the club. My question to you, is do you think that sounds like someone who is truly saved? I have spoken to many pastors on the subject of "Once saved always saved" and they all pretty much say the same thing -you cannot gain salvation and then lose salvation. I then pose the question to them, “if someone comes down to the altar to be saved and truly believes it at the time but then turn right back around and continue to live a life of sin, will they go to heaven?”. Most, if not all of the pastors say that maybe that person was not truly saved from the beginning.
I believe that our churches stay filled today because our preachers are fixing meals for the people that are easier to digest and because there is not true contrition involved. Are we not called to repentance? To repent is not to half way say Lord forgive me, it is to feel the wrong in what you have done and to turn away from that wrong. It is not to perpetuate that wrong and think that grace has covered it.
Am I saying that he who believes in Christ is not saved? No I am not! Am I saying that we are not saved by grace? No, I am not! Am I saying that because we become "saved" that we will never commit sins? No I am not! What I am saying is that someone who is saved does not live a life of perpetual sins. They do not purposefully and boldly sin. A saved man falls and gets back up -he does not stay down and wallow in his sin. And as the Lord says in the book of Matthew, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!" Don't let your “cheap grace” do you in!!!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
THE CRUTCH THAT IS BLACK HISTORY MONTH
The Crutch That Is Black History Month
I have never been a fan of Black history month in its current state. For as long as I can remember we've covered the same group of people over and over again in school. Yes Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and Harriet Tubman were important and should never be forgotten, but let us not forget that there are many, many black people who have accomplished great things in this country. The current state of Black history month seems to cheat us of all of the great things that we have done. Some would suggest that having a month is better than not having anything at all. Though that may be true to a certain extent, we have allowed this month to make us lazy.
It amazes me how a country that is a few hundred years old could find it acceptable to make Black accomplishments 28 days long. This is partly why today's youth lacks identity. Many of us do not know who we are and from where we come. Sure, we know that we were slaves brought to America. We know about civil rights, but we don't seem to know more than that. How can we be proud when we don't know that we have so much that should make us proud?
I mean no disrespect to Carter G. Woodson and what he was trying to accomplish when the observance of Black History month began. My problem is with our country's lack of advancement when it comes to Black history, and with Blacks ourselves. We are not teaching our kids about themselves and we keep hiding behind a month to do the job for us. I don't expect our government to change but I do expect for us as a people to change. Most of us could tell you where to buy the best pizza in Chicago or we can give you Walter Payton's career stats but many of us don't know who Jean Baptiste Point du Sable is.
Our kids are blinded by their current circumstances and do not see that not only were we Kings and Queens, we were and are so many other things. Frederick Douglas was a slave and accomplished many great things. Charles Drew was raised in a time when racism was blatant and rampant yet he still accomplished so much. Maybe if we taught our children that just because they currently live in a state of need, they have the ability to one day change those circumstances. We have to teach our kids that there are more ways to be successful than just how great your jump shot is or how fast you can run the forty yard dash.
Please understand that I am not disrespecting athletes. If you can make millions playing sports, by all means go for it. My problem is that parents unfortunately are not letting their children know that being an athlete does not guarantee your success. Your brain guarantees your success. Maybe we can teach our kids about Myron Rolle so that they can see that we are a smart people. Myron Roll graduated from Florida State University in 2.5 years with a 3.7 G.P.A. He was awarded the honor of being a Rhodes Scholar and studied at Oxford for a year. He was also the number one rated safety in America coming out of high school. Currently Myron is trying to make an NFL roster and if he does, great!But if he does not, he is going to be a brain surgeon. While all of these players are sustaining brain injuries, he may one day be the one to cure them!
Four years ago we were taught that a Black man can actually be president of the US. This was not just in theory but in actual reality. My point is quite simple, Black history month is better than nothing but our history is something that should be taught daily. We need for our youth to see that success has been accomplished by us before and it can be accomplished by us again. Young Black children need to see that we matter and that we are important. If the government will not do this then we as a people need to do this. Let's stop using Black History Month as a crutch and start teaching Black history to our children all year long.
I have never been a fan of Black history month in its current state. For as long as I can remember we've covered the same group of people over and over again in school. Yes Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and Harriet Tubman were important and should never be forgotten, but let us not forget that there are many, many black people who have accomplished great things in this country. The current state of Black history month seems to cheat us of all of the great things that we have done. Some would suggest that having a month is better than not having anything at all. Though that may be true to a certain extent, we have allowed this month to make us lazy.
It amazes me how a country that is a few hundred years old could find it acceptable to make Black accomplishments 28 days long. This is partly why today's youth lacks identity. Many of us do not know who we are and from where we come. Sure, we know that we were slaves brought to America. We know about civil rights, but we don't seem to know more than that. How can we be proud when we don't know that we have so much that should make us proud?
I mean no disrespect to Carter G. Woodson and what he was trying to accomplish when the observance of Black History month began. My problem is with our country's lack of advancement when it comes to Black history, and with Blacks ourselves. We are not teaching our kids about themselves and we keep hiding behind a month to do the job for us. I don't expect our government to change but I do expect for us as a people to change. Most of us could tell you where to buy the best pizza in Chicago or we can give you Walter Payton's career stats but many of us don't know who Jean Baptiste Point du Sable is.
Our kids are blinded by their current circumstances and do not see that not only were we Kings and Queens, we were and are so many other things. Frederick Douglas was a slave and accomplished many great things. Charles Drew was raised in a time when racism was blatant and rampant yet he still accomplished so much. Maybe if we taught our children that just because they currently live in a state of need, they have the ability to one day change those circumstances. We have to teach our kids that there are more ways to be successful than just how great your jump shot is or how fast you can run the forty yard dash.
Please understand that I am not disrespecting athletes. If you can make millions playing sports, by all means go for it. My problem is that parents unfortunately are not letting their children know that being an athlete does not guarantee your success. Your brain guarantees your success. Maybe we can teach our kids about Myron Rolle so that they can see that we are a smart people. Myron Roll graduated from Florida State University in 2.5 years with a 3.7 G.P.A. He was awarded the honor of being a Rhodes Scholar and studied at Oxford for a year. He was also the number one rated safety in America coming out of high school. Currently Myron is trying to make an NFL roster and if he does, great!But if he does not, he is going to be a brain surgeon. While all of these players are sustaining brain injuries, he may one day be the one to cure them!
Four years ago we were taught that a Black man can actually be president of the US. This was not just in theory but in actual reality. My point is quite simple, Black history month is better than nothing but our history is something that should be taught daily. We need for our youth to see that success has been accomplished by us before and it can be accomplished by us again. Young Black children need to see that we matter and that we are important. If the government will not do this then we as a people need to do this. Let's stop using Black History Month as a crutch and start teaching Black history to our children all year long.
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