THE CRUTCH THAT IS BLACK HISTORY MONTH

The Crutch That Is Black History Month

I have never been a fan of Black history month in its current state. For as long as I can remember we've covered the same group of people over and over again in school. Yes Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and Harriet Tubman were important and should never be forgotten, but let us not forget that there are many, many black people who have accomplished great things in this country. The current state of Black history month seems to cheat us of all of the great things that we have done. Some would suggest that having a month is better than not having anything at all. Though that may be true to a certain extent, we have allowed this month to make us lazy.

It amazes me how a country that is a few hundred years old could find it acceptable to make Black accomplishments 28 days long. This is partly why today's youth lacks identity. Many of us do not know who we are and from where we come. Sure, we know that we were slaves brought to America. We know about civil rights, but we don't seem to know more than that. How can we be proud when we don't know that we have so much that should make us proud?

I mean no disrespect to Carter G. Woodson and what he was trying to accomplish when the observance of Black History month began. My problem is with our country's lack of advancement when it comes to Black history, and with Blacks ourselves. We are not teaching our kids about themselves and we keep hiding behind a month to do the job for us. I don't expect our government to change but I do expect for us as a people to change. Most of us could tell you where to buy the best pizza in Chicago or we can give you Walter Payton's career stats but many of us don't know who Jean Baptiste Point du Sable is.

Our kids are blinded by their current circumstances and do not see that not only were we Kings and Queens, we were and are so many other things. Frederick Douglas was a slave and accomplished many great things. Charles Drew was raised in a time when racism was blatant and rampant yet he still accomplished so much. Maybe if we taught our children that just because they currently live in a state of need, they have the ability to one day change those circumstances. We have to teach our kids that there are more ways to be successful than just how great your jump shot is or how fast you can run the forty yard dash.

Please understand that I am not disrespecting athletes. If you can make millions playing sports, by all means go for it. My problem is that parents unfortunately are not letting their children know that being an athlete does not guarantee your success. Your brain guarantees your success. Maybe we can teach our kids about Myron Rolle so that they can see that we are a smart people. Myron Roll graduated from Florida State University in 2.5 years with a 3.7 G.P.A. He was awarded the honor of being a Rhodes Scholar and studied at Oxford for a year. He was also the number one rated safety in America coming out of high school. Currently Myron is trying to make an NFL roster and if he does, great!But if he does not, he is going to be a brain surgeon. While all of these players are sustaining brain injuries, he may one day be the one to cure them!

Four years ago we were taught that a Black man can actually be president of the US. This was not just in theory but in actual reality. My point is quite simple, Black history month is better than nothing but our history is something that should be taught daily. We need for our youth to see that success has been accomplished by us before and it can be accomplished by us again. Young Black children need to see that we matter and that we are important. If the government will not do this then we as a people need to do this. Let's stop using Black History Month as a crutch and start teaching Black history to our children all year long.

DON'T MAKE A MOCKERY OUT OF MARRIAGE

Don't Make a Mockery Out of Marriage.

My views on marriage are based on my moral beliefs. I believe that marriage is forever and not just until you get tired of someone. Unfortunately the world has a different take on the subject. People tend to view marriage as if it is a dress with the tag still on it. They wear it for little bit and once they get tired of it they try to take it back. Like buying a pair of new Nike Air Force Ones - if we get one smudge on them, we look to replace them.

Many don't view marriage as being important anymore. Today people see being married as a sort natural progression. Some of us feel that once we reach a certain age and achieve certain accomplishments, marriage is the next step. The deep significance of a lifelong partner becomes overlooked. The situation also becomes worse the older we become, because many of us will marry the first person that seems semi decent. Nothing makes people rush to the altar faster than when they see their friends getting married and start having babies.

When so many people start adopting these trivial thoughts on marriage, the sacredness of the institution becomes null and void. I believe that this is one of the reasons that the divorce rate is so high. People don't understand that marriage is not a game. It is a lot of hard work and there are many sacrifices to be made. Unfortunately folks don't seriously think about these things when they rush to get married. As soon as problems arise, they feel that divorce is the way to go.

Marriage is not a a short term lease where you test it out for a little bit and get a newer one later. The world has adopted this great lack of commitment that makes marriage into a joke. It's crazy, but now people get married because of a drunken night in Vegas or because they lost a bet. Seriously, Kim Kardashian?! 72 days?! Is that what marriage has now become? Because no one wants to take marriage seriously, many are over before they start.

I get into arguments with people all of the time when I tell them that if I were rich, I would not sign a prenuptial agreement. I understand that the agreement would be there as a protection of my assets, but what about becoming one? What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine but I guess that only works for poor people…..? To me this agreement is saying “just in case”. Well I don't want a “just in case” marriage - we are sticking this thing out. I always say that marriage is not all about drinking piña coladas and making love under the pale moonlight. If you think it is, you seriously shouldn't get married. That way you will save yourself a divorce later on.

Over the past few years, I have been to more weddings then I care to count. Each time I heard the pastor tell the bride and groom that marriage is a sacred bond and that it is not to be taken lightly. Maybe we live in a Godless society where people don't care about making and breaking vows to God. I take my vows seriously. Don't get me wrong - this walk ain't easy. This thing is a full time job with long hours but if you meet the right person, the pay is excellent. Maybe there needs to be more stringent rules to getting married. That way people would have time to think before rushing into it. I know that this would never happen so all I can do is worry about my own marriage. I refuse to make a mockery out of marriage, I just wish everyone else would follow suit!

I NEED TO GET MY MONEY RIGHT

Now It's Time To Man Up And Get My Money Right
 
 
I was out with some friends a few years ago when a girl said that she wouldn't date a man unless she saw his credit score. At the time that statement made me mad but my thoughts have since changed on that subject. For so long I didn't understand the importance of getting my finances in order, I thought that if you had enough cash, you could buy whatever you wanted and though that maybe true to a certain extent, having good credit is just as important as having a lot of cash. Unfortunately, too many people are uneducated when it comes to financial literacy. We become too focused on keeping up with the Joneses, amassing huge amounts of debt that we spend years trying to correct.
 
God knows that I could smack myself for my stupid financial decisions in my teens and early adult years. My family never taught me about saving my money and as I look back, I seriously cannot remember a single conversation about credit. When I think of it, many of them were living check to check and maybe I thought that if I went to college, I would not suffer that same fate. I wish somebody would have said, “Ilex, don't apply for that Macy's card….don't apply for that Burdines card…. don't get all of those credit cards when you don't know how you are going to pay for them”. Someone should have grabbed me by the back of my shirt when companies were trying to entice me with free t-shirts and pizzas on my college campus.
 
I remember thinking to myself that I would one day make enough money that bad credit wouldn't be a problem -boy was I wrong. Being irresponsible with my credit has caused me a great deal of heartache throughout the years. A few years ago I applied for a job with the U.S. Marshalls Department and I was turned down because my credit was so horrible. Literally, I lost a dream job because of credit. I didn't even know that it was possible to not be hired because of my finances. Besides not getting jobs, I realized that getting loans had become close to impossible. When trying to buy a car, I found someone to give me a loan but the interest rate was so high that it seemed as if I were paying a mortgage. This situation makes matters worse because instead of climbing out of debt, you end up sinking further into it.
 
Yesterday was another kick in the gut for me because I was turned down for a company American Express card. Honestly, I am so embarrassed by that because even with a corporation backing me, lenders still see me as a threat. I’ve done a much better job with my credit in the past few years but I am still playing catch up. I am still paying back money for cards that I opened up in college and instead of having extra money that I could be saving, I am dealing with my past stupidity. I am trying not to beat myself up about this but I am no longer a single man. My wife has to take this journey with me and I can't help but to feel bad that she has to suffer because of me.
 
There are too many people like me in the US. We put too much stock in trying to buy material things. We want to look like everyone else or better than everyone else but we can't afford it. It's not until something important comes along that we see how stupid we have been. My wife had a house before we met but I am imagining in horror what a lender would have said if we were going to buy our first house together. Because of my bad credit, the interest rate would probably be something ridiculous. I can't change yesterday. They say that hindsight is biased for a reason. Clearly, if I knew then what I know now I would have done things differently. All I can do now is correct the wrong that I have done and be an example for others of what not to do financially. I want to get my finances in order so when my kids are older, I can show them a positive example and I can help them in their life pursuits. As a man and a husband I want to support my wife and not leave things on her shoulders. At the end of the day I am not longer a boy and now, it is time to man up!

I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY WIFE

I Am So Grateful For My Wife

What is gratitude? Merriam-Webster defines gratitude as the state of being grateful. The Macmillion dictionary defines it as a feeling of being grateful because someone has given you something or done something for you. No matter the specific definition of the word, we can all find a reason to be grateful. I am grateful for life because many people never reached my age. I am grateful for family and friends because many people have no support. I am grateful for my job because unemployment is extremely high right now. I am grateful to God for loving me even though I don't deserve it and for giving me my wife even though I don't deserve such a wonderful blessing.

My marriage is in no way perfect but as I always say to my friends, "I will take my marriage over being single any day." I think back to my dating days and I realize that a great woman is not as easy to find as people assume. People always say that a good man is hard to find but trust me when I tell you, a good woman is equally as hard to find – and not every woman is marriage material. Like some women, I have been lied to and cheated on. I have been led to believe one thing and the reality was something totally different. There was a time, like most people, I wanted to give up - but I am glad that I didn't.

I am so grateful to have found a woman who is willing to show the same love and respect for me that I show her. When she goes somewhere, I trust that she has my best interests at heart. I am so happy that we have the ability to work things out because most people would rather throw relationships away when they have issues. I am so lucky to have found a woman who does not need me to make her life. She already had a life and she chose to allow me in it. My wife knows how to handle her business and yet still makes me feel that I am needed.

If you knew me, you would know that I love to give gifts. And nothing makes me happier than to see the woman that I love happy. In the past I felt as if people mistook my kindness for weakness. At one point I started to see myself shut down but I am glad that I found a woman who is just like me when it comes to showing how important we are to each other. I never wanted to change as a person because some people did evil deeds against me. My wife helped me regain my trust and ability to give. She brings me home clothes just because she thinks I would look good in them and though I may not always like what she picks up for me, I am thrilled that she thought about me!

I am grateful that someone could see past my imperfections and still decide to stay with me. I know that my wife is a hot commodity because she is beautiful, educated, financially savvy, and just plain sexy. She could have had any man in the world and yet she chose me. I don't think poorly about myself, but no matter what you think about yourself, it is still an honor when someone voluntarily chooses to spend the rest of their days with you and only you. Lastly I am grateful for the struggles of the past because they let me know how wonderful a real relationship can be. I am also grateful for some of the struggles in my marriage because they help me grow as a person. I see what I have as a gift from God, so I am grateful for every minute I have these blessings!

NEVER GET TOO COMFORTABLE IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Never Get Too Comfortable in Your Marriage


Most relationships start out the same way. Both men and women seem to put their best foot forward at the beginning. We want to impress each other and show why we should be together as opposed to someone else. We have this burning desire for each other that spark us to go the extra mile, but often times that desire seems to fall by the wayside. It's too bad that we treat each other like we love each other when we first meet but we act as if we don't like each other when we are supposed to be in love.

I truly believe that people need to continue to try to impress each other. When you decide to settle down with someone, that should not give you the license to act as if you don't have to keep trying. I understand that when you commit to someone you feel comfortable with them and you should, but you should also continue to make your partner feel special. Just because you say "I do," and just because you know that your partner is not going anywhere, that does not mean that your work stops there.

It's easy to change when you get married, let's face it, you know a lot more about your partner now then you did in the dating stage. While dating, you seem to be on your best behavior and you would never have thought to disrespect each other. When dating people handle little disagreements in a better way then they do when they get married. I am guilty of this myself, I can't lie, sometimes I don't handle things in the most respectful manner. I can say the same thing for my wife. This, in my opinion, is a big mistake that we have made and it is a big mistake that most people make. Sometimes we tend to lose our friendship when we become too familiar with each other.

Becoming too comfortable with each other can ruin the passion in relationships. I like to call it the Victoria Secret and granny panty syndrome. Have you ever noticed that when you first meet a woman, you never see her granny panties. Your man doesn't come over wearing his underwear and socks with the huge holes in them either. I know that many women will say that cotton underwear are comfortable and I am realistic about the situation, you can't always be sexy. I am sure if a man had to keep digging his underwear out of his behind all of them time, he would want to have some comfortable underwear also. The point of what I am saying is that, we need not take for granted our partner. The things that we did to impress each other before we got married, should be the things that we do to impress each other during our marriages.

Fellas we start out like the most romantic beings that God ever created. We hold hands, we talk softly, we write long notes, and we come with gifts as much as we possibly can. Stop me if you have heard this saying before, "Before we got married you used to bring me flowers and gifts all of the time." When we get married, often times men think that birthdays and Christmas are the only times that we should give gifts. We used to bring little gifts just because. Before we would stay up all night talking to each other and now we act as if we are not interested in what our wives have to say, this should not be.

The beauty of marriage is that you have found someone to spend the rest of your life with. You can and should be the real you however that does not mean that your job is done. Ladies, sometimes wear your sexy undergarments for your man. Fellas stop wearing those funky boxers and socks with the holes in them. Stop talking to each other as if you don't love each other. Fellas (self included) start listening more. Bring home her favorite (whatever) every now and then. Even though you know that you aren't going anywhere, make each other feel like you did when you first started dating. Always try to impress each other and you will always be impressed by each other!

The Rewards Outweigh The Negatives

The Rewards Outweigh the Negatives

This message is for the fellas out there, we need to be careful when we speak to our none married friends about marriage. I was talking to a friend the other day about marriage when one of his friends over heard us. He said something that really made me think about the way married men portray marriage. Often times when we talk about the subject, we say negative things. Instead of truly focusing on the positives, we usually speak unflatteringly.

Often times married men make marriage seem as if it were the worst thing ever. Before I got married I can't tell you how many times I heard guys call their wives things like the warden or the slave master. It seems as if many of us are saying that our wives are trying to control us or take away our fun. I used to think to myself, why am I going to get married because married men seem so miserable. In my opinion when we do this, we do a disservice to our single friends.

Don't get me wrong, marriage is difficult. If you are expecting me to say that everyday is like sipping Piña Coladas and making love under the pale moonlight, you would be sadly mistaken. When I talk to my friends about marriage, I try to give them a more positive spin. I tell them that often times marriage is difficult because human beings are flawed. I can't go around speaking negatively about my wife without seriously acknowledging my own issues. Let's face it, we are selfish beings. When we get married, often times we think of ourselves as two individuals living together but not truly as one. We want to do what we want to do and go when we want to go without considering the other person.

I get mad at my wife sometimes and honestly I have negative thoughts but as I said before, human beings are selfish. My wife is truly my help meet and she has my best interest at heart. She may suggest to me that I don't spend money on something, not because she is trying to control my spending or take away my fun, she does it because she can see things that I may not see or choose to ignore. I can be an impulsive shopper and I end up buying things that I don't need or plain just don't use. When I am fighting with my wife about these things, at that moment I am thinking that she is trying to control me but often times afterwards I realize that she is trying to consult me.

Honestly, I have no business speaking negatively about marriage and some of my friends don't either. Marriage has been great to me. I have a beautiful wife who has my back and wants nothing but love and respect from me in return. I know that I have a friend and a partner who I can confide in and that feeling is comforting to me. Yes marriage is difficult and sure my wife is not perfect but I wouldn't trade her for the world. So the next time someone asks me about marriage, I would tell them that it is work but the rewards outweigh the negatives!

Something Far Greater

Something Far Greater is Waiting For You!


It's funny how life works. Steps that you took and decisions that you made years ago can change your life today. Some believe it to be Divine Intervention, while others say that it's just dumb luck. However you like to see it, I am amazed by the results. Every time I think of my wife, I am reminded that there is a force greater than myself working.

I was raised in Ft. Lauderdale, FL not knowing that my wife existed. She was raised in East Orange, New Jersey not knowing about me either. Elementary school, middle school, high school, and college yet still no clue about each other. First crush, first kiss, homecoming dates, prom dates, and a few heartaches later but still no knowledge of each other.

I like to believe that it was meant for my wife to attend Morgan State and decide to settle down in Washington, DC. Though I attended school at Florida State, I feel that It was meant for me to go there and meet a few exes from the DC metro area. Had it not been for them I probably would have never visited DC and maybe I wouldn't have wanted to move there. Even though I was not dating these young ladies when I moved to the area, I now see that I was meant to be here.

There are always little things going on behind the scenes that we are not aware of. For instance, I remember moving to DC with no job and a few hundred dollars in my pocket. It took me months to land my first real job so I had to work in a coffee shop just to have a little spending money. It was there that I met a woman who offered me a temp job with Lockheed Martin. A few months later I landed a permanent position with the company in another division. Had I not gotten this job, I may have never met my wife's Morgan State classmate and ultimately I may not have met my wife.

At the time I had locks and my co-worker suggested that I get my hair done by her friend Lea. Never in my wildest imaginations did I think that this advice would lead me to the woman who I would later marry. At that point in time, I was heart broken and not looking to date anyone. My wife was in the middle of a break up herself so we didn't get together right away. It took a few years for us to start dating but it was because of that chance meeting five years ago that we became interested in each other.

So you may be reading this wondering what point I am trying to make. I guess what I want people to know is that there is a plan for all of our lives. When we make certain decisions and suffer certain set backs, it's easy to feel down and out but something bigger is in play. You date people and because things don't work out, you feel as if you made a foolish decision. Some people can become very hard on themselves and shut down. Don't allow yourself to give up and never allow someone to take your spirit and drive. What I've learned is that every bad situation has led me to the beautiful place that I am now. Sometimes your wishes are not fulfilled because something far greater was meant for you.