You Are Blocking Your Blessings

Blocking Your Own Blessing


Everyone has preferences when it comes to dating. Though men may be considered the more visual of the sexes, we all want to be with people we deem to be attractive. There's nothing wrong with having your likes and wants - we deal with them every day. What I like, you may not like. What I think is beautiful you may think is nothing special.

I believe that it is perfectly okay to actually know what you want and seek it. The problem usually occurs when you close off great opportunities based on foolish criteria. Most people want physically attractive mates. Flat abs are sexy, nice lips are sexy, beautiful legs, and nice hips are sexy. If possible we would always have our ideal looking mate but we should not rule out people because they do not fully meet this imaginary standard that we have.

Beyond just looks, we have this ridged set of standards and before we give people a chance, we are quickly shutting them out. Sure, no one wants to date someone with bad credit - but maybe the person has a plan to fix that or is already in the process of fixing it. Maybe the person does not have a salary or career that you think is acceptable, but with help and encouragement will have the ability to take things to the next level. Sure, in a perfect world we would meet someone to fulfill our every desire - but this world ain't it.

I have female friends who refuse to date men who are shorter than six feet tall. There is nothing wrong with wanting a taller man but when you purposely shut out men under a certain height, you lessen the chances of finding the right man for you. Seriously I have heard of women not talking to men because they had on a pair of shoes that they didn't like or an article of clothing that they didn’t like. I have male friends who refuse to date dark skinned women and some of them refuse to date black women in general (and they are black themselves). With this stupidity going on, millions of beautiful women and men are cast to the side for a foolish preference that in the end means nothing.

No one person is perfect and no one person will fulfill all of your needs. Not being open to the possibilities will (and has already) stunted most of our progress. Imagine how we feel when someone refuses to give us a chance based on the fact that we didn't meet a certain list of categories. Think about it - no matter how gorgeous or handsome you think you are, someone out there does not find you attractive or at least not attractive enough to date. In the grand scheme of things, we put too much stock in things that really aren't as important as we think they are.

Beauty is nice but it is also fleeting. People go off to war and get their faces blown off. Nice legs are wonderful but people get in accidents daily and lose limbs. People with A-1 credit scores often make bad investments and lose their jobs. I am not saying that we shouldn't seek the best for ourselves but what I am saying is that life is not perfect and neither are you. I am not saying lower your standards or disregard them but just know that things are not always as they seem. Sometimes we emphasize the wrong things and end up with the wrong people because of our own foolish selection guides.

YOU NEED TO KNOW YOURSELF

You Need to Know Yourself


I always strive to be transparent with my wife but I realized that maybe I am not being transparent with myself. Maybe it's easier for me to point out all of the negative traits that she brings to the table and inadvertently gloss over my own. Could I be the one who has not looked deeply enough into my own destructive patterns? Hopefully in stating my negative attributes, I will understand more how I sometimes cause and escalate some of the tense moments within my household.

I hate being wrong! This, I am sure, is no big surprise to people who know me. I always said that no one likes to be wrong, but I take it to the next level and it pains me to not be right. I will argue something to the death of it just to prove that I am right, even when I really don't know that I am. I could try to make excuses for my way of thinking on this subject, but it does not matter. No one likes a supposed know-it-all.

I am moody! Sometimes I wake up on the “wrong side” of the bed. There are times when I just want to sit at home and do absolutely nothing and be by myself. You never really pay attention to these things before marriage because dating is different. When dating you call each other when you want to talk and you see each other when you want to see each other. Marriage is every day which leaves no way of hiding your mood swings. The funny thing about this is that I can't stand moody people!

I am volatile! I do have a very short fuse or what I like to call a “short tolerance for bull crap”. I must admit that I can be quick to become angry and defensive about things. When I feel that someone is trying to attack me or take advantage of me, I attack back. I know that my wife loves me and does not want to cause me pain but I have not fully learned to shut this defense mechanism down. If I feel that she is coming at me wrong, I come back at her and at times the real issue has not been addressed. Being volatile is the way of a foolish man and I know it.

I have too much pride! We have already established that I hate being wrong. Sometimes my pride keeps me from shutting up and conceding. Even when I know myself to be right, my pride keeps me from leaving the matter alone because I am so busy trying to hammer the point home. I can't lie, it pains me to have to say that I am sorry because that would mean that I did something wrong. The Bible speaks about the foolish pride of man and trust me, it is talking about ME. I don't brag about this though, because it was pride that got Lucifer kicked out of heaven. Clearly, I need to do better.

I lack tolerance for others opinions! When my wife does not see things as I do, I tend to take it personally. In my mind I guess I feel that she should think exactly like me on everything even though reality lets me know otherwise. I have a certain code that I govern myself by and I guess in my narcissism I feel that she should know and live by that code also. Don't get me wrong, more times than not my wife will find a compromise and/or understand my point as we talk but that still is not enough for me at times. I guess to me it's like, “well I can't believe that you felt that way from the beginning”.

I can't let things go! People always say that in a marriage, you have to have a short memory. I can't lie to you, my memory is like and Elephant's memory……. on steroids! Sometimes I have the tendency to hold onto things that should have been resolved a while back. Even when I try to let these things go, my actions will show that I still have some type of negative feeling towards the situation. I guess I never realized how much I am like my grandmother. She was a very sensitive woman and sometimes she was overly sensitive.

I am sure that there are other things that can be said about my negative characteristics but these are the main focal points. I realize that I need to stop ignoring them and start working on them. I can’t harp on my wife’s faults - I only have control over MY OWN actions. I have to recognize the wrong that I bring to the table and correct those wrongs. It's not just about my relationship with my wife but also about my relationship with God. Some will judge what I have written and shake their heads in disapproval and in some ways will be justified. I write this so that other people will start evaluating themselves and maybe begin realizing what they are doing wrong on a personal level. An alcoholic will never stop drinking if he does not first realize that he is an alcoholic just as a couple will never understand each other if they first do not understand themselves.

A Letter to My Unborn Child

A Letter to My Unborn Child

Dear little one,
I eagerly await your arrival into this world. I have so many things that I would like to do with you and for you. I can't wait to see your smile and hear your laugh. I pray that your lifetime will have more smiles and laughs than hard times and tears but just know, there will be hard times and tears. I wish that I could play your "Guardian Angel" and keep you from the horrible things in life, but I am just a man who must also live under the rules and wants of God.

Unfortunately everyone must go through rough patches in life and you will be no different but if you listen to the things your mother and I tell you, you will be able to minimize the pain. If you live in wisdom, you will see how to keep yourself from the unnecessary heartaches that most people allow into their lives. You won't be alone; I will be here along with your mother, guiding you and molding you. Even when you grow older and go off on your own, we will only be one phone call away from you.

I have made many mistakes in life. On one hand, I would like to keep those things secret from you - on the other hand I want you to know that I have been where you are. There are many things that I was not taught and as a result, learned them the hard way - on my own.. Though some believe this to be the best way to learn, I say a wise man listens to those who have gone before him and chooses a path that does not lead to failure and disappointment. I have foolishly placed my hands on the burning stove and I have the scars to prove it - that is why you don't need to place your hands on that stove to know it burns.

Do not be afraid to live your life with character and morals. People are going to try to make you do things that you already know are wrong. They are going to try to make you feel bad for not doing these things. They will call you out of your name and they will say that you think you are better than them, but that is not your problem. Never feel the need to compromise yourself and you will never feel the sting of regret for doing so.

Always keep in mind that your actions will have consequences to them. When you feel the need to live outside of your values, you must be willing to pay a heavy price. Many men and women will try to get you to compromise yourself for them but listen to that voice of reason inside of you. Many will come into your world and will try to make you do what they want for their own gain. No sooner than you adhere to their demands, they are nowhere to be found and you are left with the lasting memories of your self betrayal.

You are Kings and Queens and no one can force you to be anything less than that. Your worth is not what other people say it is but it is beyond their comprehension. You are worth so much and don't allow yourself to be treated like trash. When you believe in yourself, no one will be able to tear you down or disrespect you. Don't further feed into their hands by disrespecting yourself.

I wish that I could keep you from making mistakes but we all make them. No one on this earth is perfect so never get too down on yourself. Just know that some things are known as mistakes and other things are known as being foolish. A man who puts his hand on the red eye of the stove is a fool but the man who mistakenly places his hand on the eye of the stove that seemingly looks cool, has made a mistake. Both will cause pain however one of them could have been prevented.

Your mother and I are just your earthly parents and the rules and regulations we have used to raise you were learned from our heavenly father. Keep yourself close to Him and I promise you, that even though the world will still be a difficult place to live in, your life will have less dead ends then other people's lives. You won't need to worry about baby mommas and baby daddies. You won't worry about trying to hide how many people you've slept with. You won't need to worry about diseases and foolish heartaches. You will see that the well lit path will never lead you astray but when you deviate from it, you open yourself up for disaster. Stay on the path and if you veer off, have enough sense to get back on.

Shut up sometimes... You are not always right

Shut Up Sometimes...You Are Not Always Right


Do you remember when you first met your mate? It seemed that you spent a great deal of time talking. You talked about everything and it didn't matter what time of the day or night it was, you just wanted to hear each other's voice. At that moment communication was not a problem and yet you didn't know each other. Now that you know each other and are supposedly in love, communication seems to be a foreign concept.

Both sides seem to forget how they were in the beginning. When the other person spoke, we respected them and we actually let them talk. We really wanted to know how the other person was feeling and we were interested in what they were thinking. Over time it seems that we care less about what the other is thinking and what they have to say. Now when it's supposed to be “we”, it has become all about “me”.

Conversations are now less pleasant. We just don't listen to each other. Sure, we hear each other but we really aren't listening. We are so busy thinking of a witty comeback while our spouses are speaking that we don't take into consideration the other person's feelings. We have adopted the mentality that the other person is wrong and we are going to prove it. What we must realize is that sometimes, it's not about right or wrong, it's about how the other person feels.

All too often we try to make our partners look as if they are foolish. We act as if everything that they have to say is baseless. Sometimes when they speak, we roll our eyes or suck our teeth with displeasure. When we do this, we send signals to our loved one that they perceive as us not listening or caring about them. We try to make it seem as if our partner just became crazy and that we cannot understand what they are thinking.

If we are honest with ourselves, most of us would realize that we contribute to the break down in communication with our mates. Though most of us do care about how the other person is feeling, their feelings mean very little to us if they get in the way of our own views. When we think that we are correct and the other person is wrong, we just don't listen to them when they speak. In some cases, we let our partners know how stupid we think they are.

When you think about it, it really is a shame that in order for us to listen to our partners, someone else has to show us their side. I realize that time and some hard feelings can keep us from properly communicating - but this should not be. This bond should be the strongest bond that you have ever had or will ever have. No one from the outside should need to come in and help explain your partner for you.

Sometimes we need to shut up and let our mates speak. We need to let them know that we have heard what they had to say and just walk away to think about what they said. Often times the more we do this, we will see at least some of their point of view. Sometimes we will recognize that we did wrong and sometimes we won't but at least we would have let them have a voice.

We need to understand the negative stance we bring to conversations. When someone says something to us, we tend to become defensive. I can't tell you how many times a conversation has gone south due to the other person trying to defend themselves or by the other person showing signs of annoyance. I understand that when someone tells us something that we don't like, we are going to react but we have to learn to keep our composure.

People also need to be realistic about who they are. News flash - you aren't always right. Sometimes if you shut up long enough, you will see that. Many times we are hypocrites also. We don't want our partners to do and say things we do and say to them. If someone feels as if you are not holding them to the same standards that you hold yourself to, odds are they are going to tune you out.

At the end of the day, we need to practice James 1:19, " My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." A man who is quick to listen shows that he is willing to truly hear what you have to say. A man who is slow to speak shows that he is truly thinking about what you are saying. A man who is slow to anger shows that he is patient and wants to resolve the conflict and not make the situation worse. When it all boils down to it, if you shut up for a second, you just may hear what someone else is trying to tell you, even God!

Honestly...Don't Decide What You Think I Should Know

Honestly...Don't Decide For Me What You Think I Should Know

To me honesty is the most important part of any relationship. It is like standing in front of your partner completely naked with all of your blemishes out for them to see. At times it can be very difficult because there are things about us that we may be embarrassed about and yet it is freeing for us because they see us for who we are. Being dishonest or not being completely honest can be stressful and for the most part, totally unnecessary.

Let me make it clear, not everyone needs to know your business. A casual acquaintance does not need to know the most intimate details of your past. It's one thing to be transparent but telling everyone your business is just foolish. Common sense should let you know who you should tell what and when you should tell them. The one thing that I caution you on is to not wait too late to tell something of major importance.

I have a few friends who have sexually transmitted diseases that cannot be cured and they told me that they do not tell their partners about these diseases. They said that being honest in the past has left them lonely. Though I can empathize with them about this, I cannot agree with their lack of being forthcoming. Even if protection is used during intercourse, I would still like to know if someone is suffering from an incurable illness that could potentially be passed to me.

As I always say, we all come into relationships with blemishes. No one on this earth is perfect and we have all done some shameful things that we would like to never discuss. Most of us would like to bury our old self and resurrect our new being with a perfectly painted picture. But we know that doesn’t happen. We can try to wash clean our soiled clothing but a black light will surely embarrass you.

I have told my wife some embarrassing things about myself because she is my mate and my friend. Was she happy to hear many of these things? Of course not! I have no regrets in telling her though because I wanted her to know where I once was. She needed to know that this was Ilex of yesteryear and that the Ilex of today is a better man. Plus, I am a believer that what you do in the dark has a crazy way of coming out in the light.

Most of us believe that we can do anything we want to do but we are less enthusiastic about the possible fallout from these things. We are afraid to tell our mates about our past faults because we are afraid that they may not be able to handle them. So we hide these things in hopes that they will never be spoken of or come to light. Too bad life has this strange way of coming back to bite you in the hind parts.

I have seen with my own eyes husbands and wives finding out less than flattering news about their mates. These things sometimes have a way of coming out years after they happen and in places you would never imagine. Think about finding out some horrible things about your spouse second hand and in the most embarrassing of ways. Sometimes the fallout with these incidents are never repaired. I read an article where singer Gwen Stefani found out that her husband had a gay relationship in his past - AFTER they were married. They are still together (and we don’t know how that conversation went behind their closed doors) but something like this could be a deal breaker for most people.

When you go to buy a car, you usually get a Car Fax on it. You want to know as much as you can about that car's past because you are about to invest in that car. Once you get that report back, it's up to you to decide what you are going to do with it. Maybe you don't care that it has had several accidents or that it has had flood damage. Maybe you do care and you choose to look elsewhere. Ultimately the decision should be yours and you should have proper information before you make the decision.

I personally hate when someone says that something is their past and that it is none of your business. When you pledge to marry someone, everything about them is your business. Their past children become your children and their past debts become your debts. We should not pick and choose what we want to share about ourselves - let it all hang out. Many people will be willing to love you with all of your imperfections but when new information comes out, AFTER you’ve selectively shown them who you are, your relationship can take a serious hit that some people never overcome. It's better you be honest with me first and let me decide what I am going to do. Don't decide for me what you think I should know! When has a relationship ever been strengthened by dishonesty and/or secrets?!

Karma

Karma, Fellas... Do You Reap What You Sow?

"Karma" - Hinduism, Buddhism. Action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation.

Galatians 6:7 "Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap."

I am sure that if I did a word study that I would find other similar definitions of what happens to a man when he makes certain decisions. When you are younger and foolish, you may not think about the consequences of your actions. Maybe it's the pursuit of getting what we want that keeps us from paying attention and/or maybe we feel that we will take our punishments later?

It's so crazy to see what I have become and what my friends have become. We are now husbands, fathers, uncles, and God fathers. Our views of the world seem to be different than they were a few years ago. These guys used to run the streets with me and do some crazy things but now we are different people. Some of us however, have not had the good sense to change.

Most of us men are peculiar creatures. We like to dish out evil stock but we really do not want the return on our investments. You see now we are afraid of having daughters because we look back at some of the things we used to do. When we think about our war stories, they suddenly don't seem all that funny anymore - at least not when our little princesses or nieces come to mind.

When men are younger, we feel no sense of responsibility and ties - we felt that we could do whatever we pleased. All we wanted was to fulfill our needs and so some of us lied and did all manner of evil to get what we wanted from women. It didn't matter that she was someone's child. At this point in time, our Vulture mentality was at its absolute peak.

It's crazy but I hear my friends talk about what they are going to do to men if they try to disrespect their daughters and nieces. The running joke that most men make is that we are going to buy our shotguns for these little boys trying to pursue our pride and joy. What is sad about this in many cases is the fact that some of us are disrespecting the mothers of our daughters even to this very day. We want our child to have a healthy dating life and yet we are sowing a terrible seed in our own lives.

Think about what some of us are doing fellas - I know it sounds crass but I know of girls in college who have been recorded having sex with a guy and then have that tape blasted all around the school. I know of naked pictures and compromising situations in which many of my friends have had women.. Though I was probably the most tame of my friends, I was definitely no saint.

Maybe if we realized that these women were someone else's children and family members, we probably would not have been so eager to disrespect them. It's crazy how most men don't have a problem with seeing a woman's behind jiggle in a thong while tossing dollars at her, but let that be his daughter and someone has to die. It seems as if no one has a problem with watching someone else's daughter do filthy things for money but when that kid is ours, we will try to sue the distribution company so that no one will be able to watch the tape. Now we seem to care about what we call women because it's not too kosher to hear knuckleheads calling our babies out of their names.

Have we doomed our daughters by our own foolish actions? Clearly this is not always the case but this does make me reflect on my disrespect of women. When you look into your little girl’s eyes, you think about all of the things that you hope she will become. We often forget that the women that we hurt and disrespected are daughters themselves. Maybe if we think about what our future princesses will mean to us, we wouldn't be so quick to hurt other peoples’ princesses!

Fantasies are meant for movies and novels

Fantasies are Meant for Movies and Novels...Not Marriages


It amazes me that the world we live in sees things that were once called corrupt as now being normal. Nothing is off limits anymore – it now seems like everything goes. Couples have now changed their minds on the things they feel are acceptable and respectful. The boundaries that were once set no longer seem to exist.

While reading several magazines and Internet articles, I've come across the subject of fantasizing about other people instead of your mate. Both men and women now say that they do not care if their mate is thinking about someone else while they are making love. They say that it does not matter to them as long as they are being satisfied. Even the so called experts weigh in by saying that it is healthy to have fantasies as long as those fantasies do not get in the way of your relationship.

To many it's not disrespectful if the other party is not aware. But my question is where do we draw the line? Is it ok if we fantasize about our favorite entertainer while making love? Is it bad to fantasize about an ex? Or do we only draw the line when things get too close for comfort and our mates are dreaming about doing filthy things to our best friend?

I have friends who engage in talks with their spouses about who they would be allowed to cheat with, if given the opportunity. I am not sure if this is just purely for jokes or if this list is compiled with the hopes of being fulfilled. I must admit these games don't work in my house - I am not sharing my wife with any one not named Ilex Bien-Aime. I don't like to joke about it either.

I understand that we live in a world that is filled with beautiful people. We will see attractive people everywhere we go. I am not saying that it's horrible to find someone else attractive even if it's one of your spouse’s friends, but seriously do we not feel the need to draw a line? My mind and my actions have changed a great deal since I've been married. When I used to see attractive women, I would break my neck trying to look at them. Now I look and give a brief admiration and go about my business. My wife may not be with me but I respect her anyway. I don't bring these women home with me mentally and I definitely don't bring them into my bedroom.

I try not to have conversations with my friends when they are talking about famous women that they would like to sleep with. I guess I look at it this way -Paula Patton may be an attractive woman and she may be star but at the end of the day, she is just another woman. I would never walk down the street with my wife and point out a woman that I would love to sleep with. She would never point out a guy that she would like to sleep with, yet we think it ok to mention some star who we think “could get it”. Think about that last sentence seriously! It is never a good idea to make your mate jealous even if the person is unattainable. Am I supposed to then be ok that my wife would love to sleep with another man if given the chance?

What ever happened to the true bonding of relationships and of the marriage bed? How are we becoming one when there are at least three of us in the act? How is it fair to your partner when you mentally bring home the porn star, the stripper, or your ex? Are we now so caught up in the new way of thinking and behavior that we have forgotten what the Lord Himself said about adultery? Adultery is not just the act of having relations with someone else other than your spouse. Adultery is looking upon someone else with lust in your heart (Matthew 5:27). In the end I think it wise to make sure that you keep your mind on your partner and not on others. If our end goal is true intimacy with our spouses, I guarantee that you will not get there by fantasizing about someone else!