Never Get Too Comfortable in Your Marriage
Most relationships start out the same way. Both men and women seem to put their best foot forward at the beginning. We want to impress each other and show why we should be together as opposed to someone else. We have this burning desire for each other that spark us to go the extra mile, but often times that desire seems to fall by the wayside. It's too bad that we treat each other like we love each other when we first meet but we act as if we don't like each other when we are supposed to be in love.
I truly believe that people need to continue to try to impress each other. When you decide to settle down with someone, that should not give you the license to act as if you don't have to keep trying. I understand that when you commit to someone you feel comfortable with them and you should, but you should also continue to make your partner feel special. Just because you say "I do," and just because you know that your partner is not going anywhere, that does not mean that your work stops there.
It's easy to change when you get married, let's face it, you know a lot more about your partner now then you did in the dating stage. While dating, you seem to be on your best behavior and you would never have thought to disrespect each other. When dating people handle little disagreements in a better way then they do when they get married. I am guilty of this myself, I can't lie, sometimes I don't handle things in the most respectful manner. I can say the same thing for my wife. This, in my opinion, is a big mistake that we have made and it is a big mistake that most people make. Sometimes we tend to lose our friendship when we become too familiar with each other.
Becoming too comfortable with each other can ruin the passion in relationships. I like to call it the Victoria Secret and granny panty syndrome. Have you ever noticed that when you first meet a woman, you never see her granny panties. Your man doesn't come over wearing his underwear and socks with the huge holes in them either. I know that many women will say that cotton underwear are comfortable and I am realistic about the situation, you can't always be sexy. I am sure if a man had to keep digging his underwear out of his behind all of them time, he would want to have some comfortable underwear also. The point of what I am saying is that, we need not take for granted our partner. The things that we did to impress each other before we got married, should be the things that we do to impress each other during our marriages.
Fellas we start out like the most romantic beings that God ever created. We hold hands, we talk softly, we write long notes, and we come with gifts as much as we possibly can. Stop me if you have heard this saying before, "Before we got married you used to bring me flowers and gifts all of the time." When we get married, often times men think that birthdays and Christmas are the only times that we should give gifts. We used to bring little gifts just because. Before we would stay up all night talking to each other and now we act as if we are not interested in what our wives have to say, this should not be.
The beauty of marriage is that you have found someone to spend the rest of your life with. You can and should be the real you however that does not mean that your job is done. Ladies, sometimes wear your sexy undergarments for your man. Fellas stop wearing those funky boxers and socks with the holes in them. Stop talking to each other as if you don't love each other. Fellas (self included) start listening more. Bring home her favorite (whatever) every now and then. Even though you know that you aren't going anywhere, make each other feel like you did when you first started dating. Always try to impress each other and you will always be impressed by each other!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Rewards Outweigh The Negatives
The Rewards Outweigh the Negatives
This message is for the fellas out there, we need to be careful when we speak to our none married friends about marriage. I was talking to a friend the other day about marriage when one of his friends over heard us. He said something that really made me think about the way married men portray marriage. Often times when we talk about the subject, we say negative things. Instead of truly focusing on the positives, we usually speak unflatteringly.
Often times married men make marriage seem as if it were the worst thing ever. Before I got married I can't tell you how many times I heard guys call their wives things like the warden or the slave master. It seems as if many of us are saying that our wives are trying to control us or take away our fun. I used to think to myself, why am I going to get married because married men seem so miserable. In my opinion when we do this, we do a disservice to our single friends.
Don't get me wrong, marriage is difficult. If you are expecting me to say that everyday is like sipping Piña Coladas and making love under the pale moonlight, you would be sadly mistaken. When I talk to my friends about marriage, I try to give them a more positive spin. I tell them that often times marriage is difficult because human beings are flawed. I can't go around speaking negatively about my wife without seriously acknowledging my own issues. Let's face it, we are selfish beings. When we get married, often times we think of ourselves as two individuals living together but not truly as one. We want to do what we want to do and go when we want to go without considering the other person.
I get mad at my wife sometimes and honestly I have negative thoughts but as I said before, human beings are selfish. My wife is truly my help meet and she has my best interest at heart. She may suggest to me that I don't spend money on something, not because she is trying to control my spending or take away my fun, she does it because she can see things that I may not see or choose to ignore. I can be an impulsive shopper and I end up buying things that I don't need or plain just don't use. When I am fighting with my wife about these things, at that moment I am thinking that she is trying to control me but often times afterwards I realize that she is trying to consult me.
Honestly, I have no business speaking negatively about marriage and some of my friends don't either. Marriage has been great to me. I have a beautiful wife who has my back and wants nothing but love and respect from me in return. I know that I have a friend and a partner who I can confide in and that feeling is comforting to me. Yes marriage is difficult and sure my wife is not perfect but I wouldn't trade her for the world. So the next time someone asks me about marriage, I would tell them that it is work but the rewards outweigh the negatives!
This message is for the fellas out there, we need to be careful when we speak to our none married friends about marriage. I was talking to a friend the other day about marriage when one of his friends over heard us. He said something that really made me think about the way married men portray marriage. Often times when we talk about the subject, we say negative things. Instead of truly focusing on the positives, we usually speak unflatteringly.
Often times married men make marriage seem as if it were the worst thing ever. Before I got married I can't tell you how many times I heard guys call their wives things like the warden or the slave master. It seems as if many of us are saying that our wives are trying to control us or take away our fun. I used to think to myself, why am I going to get married because married men seem so miserable. In my opinion when we do this, we do a disservice to our single friends.
Don't get me wrong, marriage is difficult. If you are expecting me to say that everyday is like sipping Piña Coladas and making love under the pale moonlight, you would be sadly mistaken. When I talk to my friends about marriage, I try to give them a more positive spin. I tell them that often times marriage is difficult because human beings are flawed. I can't go around speaking negatively about my wife without seriously acknowledging my own issues. Let's face it, we are selfish beings. When we get married, often times we think of ourselves as two individuals living together but not truly as one. We want to do what we want to do and go when we want to go without considering the other person.
I get mad at my wife sometimes and honestly I have negative thoughts but as I said before, human beings are selfish. My wife is truly my help meet and she has my best interest at heart. She may suggest to me that I don't spend money on something, not because she is trying to control my spending or take away my fun, she does it because she can see things that I may not see or choose to ignore. I can be an impulsive shopper and I end up buying things that I don't need or plain just don't use. When I am fighting with my wife about these things, at that moment I am thinking that she is trying to control me but often times afterwards I realize that she is trying to consult me.
Honestly, I have no business speaking negatively about marriage and some of my friends don't either. Marriage has been great to me. I have a beautiful wife who has my back and wants nothing but love and respect from me in return. I know that I have a friend and a partner who I can confide in and that feeling is comforting to me. Yes marriage is difficult and sure my wife is not perfect but I wouldn't trade her for the world. So the next time someone asks me about marriage, I would tell them that it is work but the rewards outweigh the negatives!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Something Far Greater
Something Far Greater is Waiting For You!
It's funny how life works. Steps that you took and decisions that you made years ago can change your life today. Some believe it to be Divine Intervention, while others say that it's just dumb luck. However you like to see it, I am amazed by the results. Every time I think of my wife, I am reminded that there is a force greater than myself working.
I was raised in Ft. Lauderdale, FL not knowing that my wife existed. She was raised in East Orange, New Jersey not knowing about me either. Elementary school, middle school, high school, and college yet still no clue about each other. First crush, first kiss, homecoming dates, prom dates, and a few heartaches later but still no knowledge of each other.
I like to believe that it was meant for my wife to attend Morgan State and decide to settle down in Washington, DC. Though I attended school at Florida State, I feel that It was meant for me to go there and meet a few exes from the DC metro area. Had it not been for them I probably would have never visited DC and maybe I wouldn't have wanted to move there. Even though I was not dating these young ladies when I moved to the area, I now see that I was meant to be here.
There are always little things going on behind the scenes that we are not aware of. For instance, I remember moving to DC with no job and a few hundred dollars in my pocket. It took me months to land my first real job so I had to work in a coffee shop just to have a little spending money. It was there that I met a woman who offered me a temp job with Lockheed Martin. A few months later I landed a permanent position with the company in another division. Had I not gotten this job, I may have never met my wife's Morgan State classmate and ultimately I may not have met my wife.
At the time I had locks and my co-worker suggested that I get my hair done by her friend Lea. Never in my wildest imaginations did I think that this advice would lead me to the woman who I would later marry. At that point in time, I was heart broken and not looking to date anyone. My wife was in the middle of a break up herself so we didn't get together right away. It took a few years for us to start dating but it was because of that chance meeting five years ago that we became interested in each other.
So you may be reading this wondering what point I am trying to make. I guess what I want people to know is that there is a plan for all of our lives. When we make certain decisions and suffer certain set backs, it's easy to feel down and out but something bigger is in play. You date people and because things don't work out, you feel as if you made a foolish decision. Some people can become very hard on themselves and shut down. Don't allow yourself to give up and never allow someone to take your spirit and drive. What I've learned is that every bad situation has led me to the beautiful place that I am now. Sometimes your wishes are not fulfilled because something far greater was meant for you.
It's funny how life works. Steps that you took and decisions that you made years ago can change your life today. Some believe it to be Divine Intervention, while others say that it's just dumb luck. However you like to see it, I am amazed by the results. Every time I think of my wife, I am reminded that there is a force greater than myself working.
I was raised in Ft. Lauderdale, FL not knowing that my wife existed. She was raised in East Orange, New Jersey not knowing about me either. Elementary school, middle school, high school, and college yet still no clue about each other. First crush, first kiss, homecoming dates, prom dates, and a few heartaches later but still no knowledge of each other.
I like to believe that it was meant for my wife to attend Morgan State and decide to settle down in Washington, DC. Though I attended school at Florida State, I feel that It was meant for me to go there and meet a few exes from the DC metro area. Had it not been for them I probably would have never visited DC and maybe I wouldn't have wanted to move there. Even though I was not dating these young ladies when I moved to the area, I now see that I was meant to be here.
There are always little things going on behind the scenes that we are not aware of. For instance, I remember moving to DC with no job and a few hundred dollars in my pocket. It took me months to land my first real job so I had to work in a coffee shop just to have a little spending money. It was there that I met a woman who offered me a temp job with Lockheed Martin. A few months later I landed a permanent position with the company in another division. Had I not gotten this job, I may have never met my wife's Morgan State classmate and ultimately I may not have met my wife.
At the time I had locks and my co-worker suggested that I get my hair done by her friend Lea. Never in my wildest imaginations did I think that this advice would lead me to the woman who I would later marry. At that point in time, I was heart broken and not looking to date anyone. My wife was in the middle of a break up herself so we didn't get together right away. It took a few years for us to start dating but it was because of that chance meeting five years ago that we became interested in each other.
So you may be reading this wondering what point I am trying to make. I guess what I want people to know is that there is a plan for all of our lives. When we make certain decisions and suffer certain set backs, it's easy to feel down and out but something bigger is in play. You date people and because things don't work out, you feel as if you made a foolish decision. Some people can become very hard on themselves and shut down. Don't allow yourself to give up and never allow someone to take your spirit and drive. What I've learned is that every bad situation has led me to the beautiful place that I am now. Sometimes your wishes are not fulfilled because something far greater was meant for you.
Monday, November 21, 2011
We Need to Protect Our Kids
We Need to Protect Our Kids
Over the past few weeks we have heard a great deal about the Penn St. sex scandal. Now there are reports about sexual abuse at Syracuse University. A few years ago there were reports of priests molesting little boys coming out on what seemed to be a weekly basis but it seems as if over time people stopped talking about it. I am afraid that after a few weeks we are going to forget about these cases and it bothers me. This subject needs to be addressed and it needs to be addressed in a major way!
Everyday little boys and little girls are being molested by people that they know, love, and trust. Usually when television show kids being molested, they show foster kids and kids that are wards of the state. People really aren't talking about the abuse that happens in regular homes. It's sad but kids are being raped by their own fathers, uncles, cousins, and brothers. What makes the situation worse is that because people don't talk about this, that we think these cases are isolated but they aren't. More of us know people who have been sexually abused than we think we know. Unfortunately, it's that shameful secret that many people keep to themselves and so they suffer in silence.
One of my classmates at Florida State University (Laveranues Coles), was molested by his stepfather when he was a kid. It took him until he was about 27 years old to talk about the situation because let's face it, men don't want to talk about being sexually molested by another man. The problem with this is that it allows anger to boil inside of us. It diminishes our ability to trust and can ruin many of our future relationships. I personally know at least three men who have been sexually molested as boys by people living in their own homes.
Before Oprah's show went off air, she had two girls on there who had been sexually molested by their brothers. When they told their mother, she did nothing. When they told the father, he started to molest them himself and again the mother did nothing. These little girls suffered for years and had they not told a neighbor about the situation, they would have suffered even longer. How sad and how sick is this story?! Your home is supposed to be your safe place and your family members are supposed to be your protectors, but for them and countless others, this was not the case.
I can't tell you how much it angers me to know that people are so willing to do nothing in these cases. I know of kids who have been molested and the parent or other relatives were never punished. There is one thing for a parent not to know what has happened to their child but it is another thing all together when a parent knows and chooses to keep quiet. To me that parent needs to be punished in the same manner as the person who has committed the assault. When you can't speak up to your protectors for help, who can you turn to? Then people want to know why their children resent them and have no respect for them.
Quite frankly, everyone involved in this Penn St. crap should be fired and criminal charges should be filed against them. To let something like that go because you don't want to bring scandal to the program is shameful. Our children deserve better than this and because they can't protect themselves, we need to protect them. If this happened to my child, nothing short of God would come between me and the beast who had caused this pain. I just think that more needs to be said and more needs to be done to protect our babies. If not people will continue to get away with these heinous crimes! In time all children lose their innocence, but this definitely is the wrong way to lose it!
Over the past few weeks we have heard a great deal about the Penn St. sex scandal. Now there are reports about sexual abuse at Syracuse University. A few years ago there were reports of priests molesting little boys coming out on what seemed to be a weekly basis but it seems as if over time people stopped talking about it. I am afraid that after a few weeks we are going to forget about these cases and it bothers me. This subject needs to be addressed and it needs to be addressed in a major way!
Everyday little boys and little girls are being molested by people that they know, love, and trust. Usually when television show kids being molested, they show foster kids and kids that are wards of the state. People really aren't talking about the abuse that happens in regular homes. It's sad but kids are being raped by their own fathers, uncles, cousins, and brothers. What makes the situation worse is that because people don't talk about this, that we think these cases are isolated but they aren't. More of us know people who have been sexually abused than we think we know. Unfortunately, it's that shameful secret that many people keep to themselves and so they suffer in silence.
One of my classmates at Florida State University (Laveranues Coles), was molested by his stepfather when he was a kid. It took him until he was about 27 years old to talk about the situation because let's face it, men don't want to talk about being sexually molested by another man. The problem with this is that it allows anger to boil inside of us. It diminishes our ability to trust and can ruin many of our future relationships. I personally know at least three men who have been sexually molested as boys by people living in their own homes.
Before Oprah's show went off air, she had two girls on there who had been sexually molested by their brothers. When they told their mother, she did nothing. When they told the father, he started to molest them himself and again the mother did nothing. These little girls suffered for years and had they not told a neighbor about the situation, they would have suffered even longer. How sad and how sick is this story?! Your home is supposed to be your safe place and your family members are supposed to be your protectors, but for them and countless others, this was not the case.
I can't tell you how much it angers me to know that people are so willing to do nothing in these cases. I know of kids who have been molested and the parent or other relatives were never punished. There is one thing for a parent not to know what has happened to their child but it is another thing all together when a parent knows and chooses to keep quiet. To me that parent needs to be punished in the same manner as the person who has committed the assault. When you can't speak up to your protectors for help, who can you turn to? Then people want to know why their children resent them and have no respect for them.
Quite frankly, everyone involved in this Penn St. crap should be fired and criminal charges should be filed against them. To let something like that go because you don't want to bring scandal to the program is shameful. Our children deserve better than this and because they can't protect themselves, we need to protect them. If this happened to my child, nothing short of God would come between me and the beast who had caused this pain. I just think that more needs to be said and more needs to be done to protect our babies. If not people will continue to get away with these heinous crimes! In time all children lose their innocence, but this definitely is the wrong way to lose it!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Marriage is not 50/50
Marriage is not 50/50
Marriage is WORK, if you didn't know before, now you know! It's a full time commitment that never sleeps, it must be strengthened, and it must be nourished. Besides God, it is the most important relationship that you will ever have. This person has now become "blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh."
We have been taught that marriage is a 50/50 venture. Some of us have heard that it will not always be 50/50 but sometimes it will be 60/40, 80/20, or whatever other ratios that you can come up with. Often times they teach that your partner will not always give you everything. They also tell you that you may not always give your spouse your all. This gets repeated so much that we really don't question or challenge it, we just accept it as the gospel.
To me, a marriage that is not 100/100, is a marriage that is being short changed. Even if you are giving 99/1, you are not giving your all. Many of us are "Randy Mossing" our marriages. We show up when we want to show up and we take plays off. We say that if we don't have things exactly our way, that we are going to ignore the needs of the other team member. To me this is a marriage that is not using it's full potential.
Don't get me wrong, we are human beings and as humans, we have to fight the urge not to lollygag. Let's face it, 100 percent is not always an easy thing to give. Sometimes we wake up and we really don't feel like going all out. There are times when we want to do our own thing and not have to worry about another person. For so long we have been individual players, and now we are team members for life.
Marriage in my opinion should be more like Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan. It's like having a love and a passion that is so strong, that you always want the best. You never saw these guys take a play off and even when they put up great numbers, they were always thinking about what they could have done and should be able to do better. There was never a time that you could say that these guys short changed you. You should give the same to your spouse. They should always feel that you are trying and see that your are tirelessly working to make things right between the two of you.
Giving 100 percent does not mean that things will be perfect and that your marriage will be perfect. Magic Johnson, in his best year, shot 91 percent from the free throw line. Michael Jordan, who is considered by many to be the greatest basketball player ever, shot less than 50 percent from the field. Giving your all does not mean that you will make every shot or that you will never mess up. What it does mean, is that you play your heart out and you always seek for the best you have to offer. Your spouse will have no choice but to respect you, knowing that you are giving your all.
Between Magic and Michael, they played 28 years in the NBA. Amongst the two of them, they won 11 NBA titles. What does this mean? It means that even with giving your all, there will be some disappointments. There are always some Boston Celtics and Detroit Pistons standing in your way. You just learn how to defeat them and never let them defeat you even when it seems as if they have won.
Let's face it, even the best of us will face rough times and situations but that is not an excuse to give up. You owe it to the team to show up and be ready to play each and everyday. You owe it to them to give 100 percent. When you need a breather, discuss what can be done so that you come back refreshed and ready to reign victorious. If it is difficult to beat the Celtics with giving your all, you know you won't win when you don't give your all. The same can be said in a marriage!
Marriage is WORK, if you didn't know before, now you know! It's a full time commitment that never sleeps, it must be strengthened, and it must be nourished. Besides God, it is the most important relationship that you will ever have. This person has now become "blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh."
We have been taught that marriage is a 50/50 venture. Some of us have heard that it will not always be 50/50 but sometimes it will be 60/40, 80/20, or whatever other ratios that you can come up with. Often times they teach that your partner will not always give you everything. They also tell you that you may not always give your spouse your all. This gets repeated so much that we really don't question or challenge it, we just accept it as the gospel.
To me, a marriage that is not 100/100, is a marriage that is being short changed. Even if you are giving 99/1, you are not giving your all. Many of us are "Randy Mossing" our marriages. We show up when we want to show up and we take plays off. We say that if we don't have things exactly our way, that we are going to ignore the needs of the other team member. To me this is a marriage that is not using it's full potential.
Don't get me wrong, we are human beings and as humans, we have to fight the urge not to lollygag. Let's face it, 100 percent is not always an easy thing to give. Sometimes we wake up and we really don't feel like going all out. There are times when we want to do our own thing and not have to worry about another person. For so long we have been individual players, and now we are team members for life.
Marriage in my opinion should be more like Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan. It's like having a love and a passion that is so strong, that you always want the best. You never saw these guys take a play off and even when they put up great numbers, they were always thinking about what they could have done and should be able to do better. There was never a time that you could say that these guys short changed you. You should give the same to your spouse. They should always feel that you are trying and see that your are tirelessly working to make things right between the two of you.
Giving 100 percent does not mean that things will be perfect and that your marriage will be perfect. Magic Johnson, in his best year, shot 91 percent from the free throw line. Michael Jordan, who is considered by many to be the greatest basketball player ever, shot less than 50 percent from the field. Giving your all does not mean that you will make every shot or that you will never mess up. What it does mean, is that you play your heart out and you always seek for the best you have to offer. Your spouse will have no choice but to respect you, knowing that you are giving your all.
Between Magic and Michael, they played 28 years in the NBA. Amongst the two of them, they won 11 NBA titles. What does this mean? It means that even with giving your all, there will be some disappointments. There are always some Boston Celtics and Detroit Pistons standing in your way. You just learn how to defeat them and never let them defeat you even when it seems as if they have won.
Let's face it, even the best of us will face rough times and situations but that is not an excuse to give up. You owe it to the team to show up and be ready to play each and everyday. You owe it to them to give 100 percent. When you need a breather, discuss what can be done so that you come back refreshed and ready to reign victorious. If it is difficult to beat the Celtics with giving your all, you know you won't win when you don't give your all. The same can be said in a marriage!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Some Men Are Shallow and Some Women Are Materialistic
Some Men Are Shallow... And Some Women Are Materialistic (Where do you stand)?
I am starting to realize something about men and women - we choose to be stupid. We have the capacity to put tons of metal into the sky and out in space without them crashing down. We put huge vessels on top of and under the water without them sinking. We think of and accomplish so many things with our minds and yet sometimes we act as if we have no sense at all. So I guess my question for today is, are we dumbing ourselves down to fit in with the rest of society?
Think about it, most of the things we do in this life are based on the reactions or ideas of others. We buy expensive cars many times because we want to show our success. We buy expensive watches, shoes, pocketbooks, and houses to sort of “one up” other people. I am not saying that we don't do some of these things because we genuinely like them but let's be honest - society sort of dictates what we think is hot and/or what we think is the best. That my friend, has caused us a lot of unnecessary heartache.
Fellas, how many of us are trying to buy love? Look at television and you will see exactly what I am talking about. I watch several shows where unattractive wealthy men are dating or are married to beautiful women. Their houses are huge, cars are exotic, and the gifts are spectacular. This is not just a T.V. thing though, it happens in everyday life. Men are breaking their backs to try to obtain the baddest women out there so that they can show their “arm candy” accomplishments.
Our society is all out of whack. Black Men's Magazine, Vibe, Maxim, and our videos keep suggesting what hot is. They keep trying to define women by what they look like and not necessarily by who they are. Fellas, we often times feed into the hype. Many times guys know that the women they have are there based on what they do for a living. Who he really is also falls to the wayside because he is seen as the financier for her wants. We are willing to trade in our hearts for a big booty and a smile.
Men are usually accused of being visual creatures and for the most part it is true. That keeps us in trouble but just as many men are blinded by superficial looks, many women are guilty of materialism. Women want a handsome guy but ladies are more likely than men to disregard looks. Let's face it, half of the MLB, the NFL, and the NBA are evident of that. Money goes a long way for some women in making men look better. Wanting to have the newest and best materialistic items have led women to sort of whoring themselves out to the highest bidder.
Tupac once said that he saw a woman in the mall who he thought was attractive. He said that she looked at him as if he were nobody. Later that day he spotted the girl with one of her friends (the friend noticed he was Tupac) and ran up to him. All of a sudden the woman was interested in him now. It's funny but I remember when I was dating, it amazed me how things worked. Yes I would approach the most attractive girls and with regular conversation, I was not that interesting. When asked what company I worked for, they became excited because I guess they thought that I was worth more than I really was. It was a destructive two way street -me only caring about looks and them seeing dollar signs.
Maybe this article is not written for you and maybe you think that it is filled with gross generalizations but I guarantee that you know men who have issues with running after beautiful women who can care a less about them. I also bet that you know women who are caught up with materialism and choose men based on the amount of zeros on his check. Come on, we all have a little bit of these characteristics within ourselves. Have you not asked your boy, “what does she look like or who can you compare her to?” Have you ever said, "girl, you know he is a doctor"?
Some of the things that I am saying are sort of tongue and cheek and I know it. The point though is still valid. We seriously place our love lives in harm’s way because we often times purposely choose the wrong people. We sometimes get married to known gold diggers because they are fine. We don't think about true love or where they will go if we lose all we have. We often times marry shallow people who will try to trade us in for a younger, more fit model. Maybe we don't find real love because we trifle with it and maybe we get screwed over because we keep trying to screw others over. Nothing is wrong with wanting a beautiful woman and nothing is wrong with wanting to be financially secure but when these things are your one and only focus, that is where you fail.
I am starting to realize something about men and women - we choose to be stupid. We have the capacity to put tons of metal into the sky and out in space without them crashing down. We put huge vessels on top of and under the water without them sinking. We think of and accomplish so many things with our minds and yet sometimes we act as if we have no sense at all. So I guess my question for today is, are we dumbing ourselves down to fit in with the rest of society?
Think about it, most of the things we do in this life are based on the reactions or ideas of others. We buy expensive cars many times because we want to show our success. We buy expensive watches, shoes, pocketbooks, and houses to sort of “one up” other people. I am not saying that we don't do some of these things because we genuinely like them but let's be honest - society sort of dictates what we think is hot and/or what we think is the best. That my friend, has caused us a lot of unnecessary heartache.
Fellas, how many of us are trying to buy love? Look at television and you will see exactly what I am talking about. I watch several shows where unattractive wealthy men are dating or are married to beautiful women. Their houses are huge, cars are exotic, and the gifts are spectacular. This is not just a T.V. thing though, it happens in everyday life. Men are breaking their backs to try to obtain the baddest women out there so that they can show their “arm candy” accomplishments.
Our society is all out of whack. Black Men's Magazine, Vibe, Maxim, and our videos keep suggesting what hot is. They keep trying to define women by what they look like and not necessarily by who they are. Fellas, we often times feed into the hype. Many times guys know that the women they have are there based on what they do for a living. Who he really is also falls to the wayside because he is seen as the financier for her wants. We are willing to trade in our hearts for a big booty and a smile.
Men are usually accused of being visual creatures and for the most part it is true. That keeps us in trouble but just as many men are blinded by superficial looks, many women are guilty of materialism. Women want a handsome guy but ladies are more likely than men to disregard looks. Let's face it, half of the MLB, the NFL, and the NBA are evident of that. Money goes a long way for some women in making men look better. Wanting to have the newest and best materialistic items have led women to sort of whoring themselves out to the highest bidder.
Tupac once said that he saw a woman in the mall who he thought was attractive. He said that she looked at him as if he were nobody. Later that day he spotted the girl with one of her friends (the friend noticed he was Tupac) and ran up to him. All of a sudden the woman was interested in him now. It's funny but I remember when I was dating, it amazed me how things worked. Yes I would approach the most attractive girls and with regular conversation, I was not that interesting. When asked what company I worked for, they became excited because I guess they thought that I was worth more than I really was. It was a destructive two way street -me only caring about looks and them seeing dollar signs.
Maybe this article is not written for you and maybe you think that it is filled with gross generalizations but I guarantee that you know men who have issues with running after beautiful women who can care a less about them. I also bet that you know women who are caught up with materialism and choose men based on the amount of zeros on his check. Come on, we all have a little bit of these characteristics within ourselves. Have you not asked your boy, “what does she look like or who can you compare her to?” Have you ever said, "girl, you know he is a doctor"?
Some of the things that I am saying are sort of tongue and cheek and I know it. The point though is still valid. We seriously place our love lives in harm’s way because we often times purposely choose the wrong people. We sometimes get married to known gold diggers because they are fine. We don't think about true love or where they will go if we lose all we have. We often times marry shallow people who will try to trade us in for a younger, more fit model. Maybe we don't find real love because we trifle with it and maybe we get screwed over because we keep trying to screw others over. Nothing is wrong with wanting a beautiful woman and nothing is wrong with wanting to be financially secure but when these things are your one and only focus, that is where you fail.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Are We Losing Our Intimacy?
Are We Losing Intimacy
Everywhere I look, there is sex. I dare you to go a complete day without seeing one sexual image. Let's face it, sexuality has become engrained in our society. Turn on the TV and what do you see, Bob standing there looking crazy in the face because he has taken ExtenZe. They show couples lying in bed excited about the new lubes on the market that help enhance the sexual experience. Women are shown walking around town with their hair blown back because they have received the new Trojan Vibrations. Try to do a simple Google search and you may get steered to a porn site. Unless we are living in a cave, we can't seem to get away from it.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE SEX! I believe that sex is a wonderful gift that was given to mankind from the beginning of time. There is nothing wrong with or dirty about sex. I just think we have started making sex into this nasty thing that is no longer intimate but is now a money making machine. It has now become an obsession in our world. I read somewhere that 76 percent of porn buyers were men and that the porn industry makes about 13.9 billion dollars a year.
I am not here to tell you my moral stance on porn so I will try to just give you some researched facts. A study from the BBC radio 1 found that one in three young adults who occasionally watched even just light porn said it had upset a partner or caused relationship problems. That number rose to seven out of ten for those who watched more than ten hours. Divorce Wizard.Com says that at a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 2/3 of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in the divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases.
I can't speak for all men but for the men that I know, porn has had a heavy influence on our lives. For the most part we learned about sex from these films. Some of our signature moves, and at some point maybe our wants and desires, have come from these movies. Let's be honest fellas, sometimes we are guilty of wanting our women to do some of the things that our favorite porn star is doing. When our mates don't provide this for us, we really become upset but don't realize that we asking for some demeaning stuff. Real talk, some men are hard down mad because their woman won't let them have anal sex with them or because their women won't let them ejaculate in their faces. While in some homes, these things are normal practices, in other homes they are deal breakers.
Much research has been done and documented on the effects porn usage has on men but research is not as prevalent on women. Though women tend to view porn at a much lower rate than men, sex shops are dominated with female sex toys. Passion parties have exploded on the scene and most of the women I know have thrown or have been to at least 2-3 of these parties. Some of the items that are introduced can be used for the sexual enhancement of both male and female partners however that depends on the household.
For some men, a vibrator is considered his arch enemy. Let's face it, the vibrator can do things that we just can't do. The average man can have sex without orgasm for 3-13 minutes. On average it takes a woman 10-20 minutes to have an orgasm which by the numbers can make it hard for a woman to reach orgasm during sex. So the vibrator comes in and does the trick at a much faster rate. According to Dr. Lori Buckley, a psychologist and certified sex therapist, "When women become used to the intensity of a vibrator, it can be harder to have an orgasm during intercourse since they're lacking the direct clitoral stimulation that they have learned to love and rely upon." I have heard some women say that they prefer vibrators to sex because they can use them for five minutes and get theirs, without the fuss of having sex and possibly not having an orgasm.
I am not trying to argue against porn or sex toys. Some couples enjoy both of them and to that, I say “to each his own”. The point that I am trying to make though, is that too many of us are losing intimacy based on these things. Husbands are making wives feel dirty and unattractive because of porn. Wives are making husbands feel inadequate because of their toys. Human beings were born with everything we need for sex. We have hands to caress and stroke, we have tongues and lips to kiss and suck, we have brains to think about how to help us achieve our sexual pleasures, and we have mouths to speak up and tell our partners what we want.
Everywhere I look, there is sex. I dare you to go a complete day without seeing one sexual image. Let's face it, sexuality has become engrained in our society. Turn on the TV and what do you see, Bob standing there looking crazy in the face because he has taken ExtenZe. They show couples lying in bed excited about the new lubes on the market that help enhance the sexual experience. Women are shown walking around town with their hair blown back because they have received the new Trojan Vibrations. Try to do a simple Google search and you may get steered to a porn site. Unless we are living in a cave, we can't seem to get away from it.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE SEX! I believe that sex is a wonderful gift that was given to mankind from the beginning of time. There is nothing wrong with or dirty about sex. I just think we have started making sex into this nasty thing that is no longer intimate but is now a money making machine. It has now become an obsession in our world. I read somewhere that 76 percent of porn buyers were men and that the porn industry makes about 13.9 billion dollars a year.
I am not here to tell you my moral stance on porn so I will try to just give you some researched facts. A study from the BBC radio 1 found that one in three young adults who occasionally watched even just light porn said it had upset a partner or caused relationship problems. That number rose to seven out of ten for those who watched more than ten hours. Divorce Wizard.Com says that at a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 2/3 of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in the divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases.
I can't speak for all men but for the men that I know, porn has had a heavy influence on our lives. For the most part we learned about sex from these films. Some of our signature moves, and at some point maybe our wants and desires, have come from these movies. Let's be honest fellas, sometimes we are guilty of wanting our women to do some of the things that our favorite porn star is doing. When our mates don't provide this for us, we really become upset but don't realize that we asking for some demeaning stuff. Real talk, some men are hard down mad because their woman won't let them have anal sex with them or because their women won't let them ejaculate in their faces. While in some homes, these things are normal practices, in other homes they are deal breakers.
Much research has been done and documented on the effects porn usage has on men but research is not as prevalent on women. Though women tend to view porn at a much lower rate than men, sex shops are dominated with female sex toys. Passion parties have exploded on the scene and most of the women I know have thrown or have been to at least 2-3 of these parties. Some of the items that are introduced can be used for the sexual enhancement of both male and female partners however that depends on the household.
For some men, a vibrator is considered his arch enemy. Let's face it, the vibrator can do things that we just can't do. The average man can have sex without orgasm for 3-13 minutes. On average it takes a woman 10-20 minutes to have an orgasm which by the numbers can make it hard for a woman to reach orgasm during sex. So the vibrator comes in and does the trick at a much faster rate. According to Dr. Lori Buckley, a psychologist and certified sex therapist, "When women become used to the intensity of a vibrator, it can be harder to have an orgasm during intercourse since they're lacking the direct clitoral stimulation that they have learned to love and rely upon." I have heard some women say that they prefer vibrators to sex because they can use them for five minutes and get theirs, without the fuss of having sex and possibly not having an orgasm.
I am not trying to argue against porn or sex toys. Some couples enjoy both of them and to that, I say “to each his own”. The point that I am trying to make though, is that too many of us are losing intimacy based on these things. Husbands are making wives feel dirty and unattractive because of porn. Wives are making husbands feel inadequate because of their toys. Human beings were born with everything we need for sex. We have hands to caress and stroke, we have tongues and lips to kiss and suck, we have brains to think about how to help us achieve our sexual pleasures, and we have mouths to speak up and tell our partners what we want.
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