Love is Enough

Brothers and sisters do not think that you need more than love in your life and within your marriage. Nothing trumps love, nothing on this earth trumps love! People say that it takes more than love to make a marriage work but I respectfully disagree with that vain philosophy. The battle cry of this day is that “Love don’t pay the bills,” and so we place love in a vacuum or a shallow little box. Love has never been the problem in this world and love will never be the problem. Love is perfect but we are imperfect human beings and that is why we fail. You say that love does not pay the bills, I say that true love does pay the bills. A man who loves his family, will get up and work even if it means two or three jobs to take care of his family. He will take his Ph.D and throw it away to dig ditches if it meant the survival of his loved ones. It is his love that puts his family first even at his own expense. Love makes a man wake up everyday of his life to a job that he hates and a boss that he would love to karate chop in the neck, because he wants to provide a better life for his wife and children. Love keeps him from gambling his hard earned money away, love keeps him from smoking his money away, and love keeps him faithful to his wife because he would never want to intentionally disrespect her. Love can’t stop an attractive woman from crossing his path, but love tells him that no matter how fine that woman may be, his heart is at home. Love is the most over used and misunderstood word in the dictionary. Everyone claims to love but very few people know what true love is. What most people have is infatuation and a shallow sense of the word love. We tend to say that we love someone when all things are perfect but true love is something that shows itself when all hell breaks loose. True love has no conditions added to it. It’s not I will love you if you keep your body tight, it’s not I will love you if you keep me driving a Benz, and it’s not I will love you if you do anything for me. Love in it’s truest form is an action and a choice. You don’t do it because you get anything in return, you do it because you want to serve others. If love is kind, it is not kind because others are kind to us. If love is patient, it is not patient because everything is to our liking. If that were the case, there would be no need for patience. If love endures, it is not something that people just throw away and set aside so easily. If love seeks to do for others, it does not worry about what have you done for me lately. You see when everything around you is going to hell, love is what should sustain us. What most of us have is not love and so we think that it is not enough, but true love is enough!

Can You Define Love and Commitment Part I

Can You Define Love and Commitment Part I There are a countless amount of articles and books written about love and commitment and yet the world is still lacking in both departments. People love to talk about these things because they sound like something we all want, however talk is all we do. Honestly we don't want love in the truest sense of the word, we want love in the unrealistic media driven sense. We believe that love is supposed to be this magical feeling that we have that it is supposed to come into our lives and lead us into the sunset on our white horse and when things don't happen that way, we begin to hypothesize that the feeling that we had must not have been love. So I pose the question, are married people breaking their covenants because they never loved each other, or because they lacked the more important attribute of commitment? In trying to figure out the answer to this question, I discovered the many definitions to the word love. If you put ten people in a room together and asked them to define love, odds are you would not get the same definition from them. Maybe that is the underlying problem, we don't truly know what love is and yet we claim to have it. If you ask an Atheist if he believed in love, he would say yes. If you asked a Christian if he believed in love, he would also say yes. However if you asked a Christian if the Atheist truly believed in love, he would probably say no because true love can not be found outside of God. Which leads me to the conclusion that even if the entire world believed in love, many of us don't believe that everyone truly has love. So what is love? Honestly, it depends on which definition you want to use or which criteria best meets your personal agenda. Merriam-Webster defines love in this manner,"A strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (maternal love for a child). An attraction based on sexual desire. An affection and tenderness felt by lovers. An affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests. An assurance of affection. A warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion. The object of attachment, devotion, or admiration. An Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. The fatherly concern of God for humankind. Brotherly concern for others. And last but not least a person's adoration of God." As we see, there is not a shortage of definitions for the word and in a world with billions of people who have definitions of love outside of what the dictionary says, we begin to mixup a perfect cocktail for chaos. How can couples be successful in love when both parties define love in different ways? Can you truly have something and not agree upon the definition? I am no expert on the topic so I just pose the questions, maybe we can have love and define it differently, I just cannot see it in my finite wisdom. I examine the world around me falling apart and I cannot understand how people who believe in love could allow these horrible things to happen to their marriages. So much more can be said about love and yet we have not even touched commitment but then again, how can you be committed to something without first knowing what you are committed to?

THE OAK TREE AND THE PALM TREE...WHICH ONE ARE YOU

The Oak Tree and Palm Tree, Which One Are You? The Oak tree symbolizes strength and endurance. It has deep roots that anchor the massive tree into the ground. Many countries use the Oak as their national symbol because of the aforementioned attributes. The Palm tree on the other hand symbolizes victory and peace. If you compare the Oak tree and the Palm tree by purely looks alone, the Oak seems to be more impressive however that is where we make our mistake. Men have been taught to be Oak trees. For the most part we are bigger and stronger than women and we typically do not allow our emotions to control our actions. Men have been taught a certain way of thinking that anchors us into the ground and sets roots deep within our souls. As little boys we are taught to be soldiers and even some mothers try to stop their sons from crying at a very early age. Little girls on the other hand are comforted and made to feel secure about their feelings. Men are taught to lead and in order to lead we must exemplify a certain amount of strength. We have been taught that no woman wants a weak man and so we come into relationships with an iron fist. In so many cases a man is told to lead his home, he just is not taught how to lead his home. This is a very important factor when it comes to understanding your husbands. Many of us do not understand that being a husband requires a fair balance of being strong but not totalitarian. In a healthy marriage, a man has to learn to be a Palm tree. Because Palm trees do not look as strong as Oak trees, we as men tend to ignore their attributes. What we don't understand is that the Palm tree has more strength than we give it credit for having. When I was about 14 years old, I went through Hurricane Andrew in Ft. Lauderdale. After the storm had passed we drove around to see the damage caused and much to our surprise the Oak trees were toppled over. Some of these trees landed on people's houses totally destroying them and killing some families along the way. On the other hand, the smaller more delicate looking Palm trees were still standing as if nothing happened. I was shocked to see all of these Palms still standing and I asked my grandmother why the Oaks fell but the Palms didn't. She then explained to me that the Palm bends in the wind and sways back and forth. This keeps them from breaking and toppling over but the Oak tree has no bend and when a strong wind comes, it breaks. Even though I had this conversation 20 years ago, I didn't know the importance of that lesson until recently. I have been an Oak in many ways and not to make excuses but I was taught to be an Oak. Marriage has shown me that I need to be a Palm because without being able to bend, you will surely break. I have to learn to be softer and less rigid in my ideology. I have to learn to go with the flow a little more often. Clearly it will not be easy because I have been pre-conditioned to be an Oak, yet Oaks break and topple over and I don't want that to happen to me and my family. Which one are you going to be?

The Adult Version of Happily Ever After

The Adult Version of Happily Ever After What does Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Prince Charming, and the beautiful Princess all have in common? They represent fantasy about love and marriage. From early childhood we are groomed to believe that one day we will find our damsel in distress or our prince charming who will come into our lives so that we can live happily ever after but that is just not reality. When we become adults we put away the story book characters only to embrace the romantic comedy that gives an adult form of happily ever after. This way of thinking is one of the top causes for divorce and unhappiness in marriages. We truly have a skewed view of what marriage entails and what it takes to be happy. I have heard people say that when you truly love someone, things shouldn't be so hard but that is a lie if I ever heard one. Marriages are not easy and no reputable source will ever tell you that it is. Not even the Bible says that marriage is going to be happy go lucky, it's a challenge. Because we have this false view of marriage, when things go wrong, many of us decide to bail. We believe that somehow we got it wrong and that we married the wrong person. While in some cases that may be true, it is not in most cases. Many of us are looking for the perfect spouse and the perfect marriage but that is like trying to find a Unicorn, you hear about it but it really does not exist. No one is perfect and therefore no relationship will be perfect. We all come into marriages with our own personal baggage and when we put them side by side, we realize that it is not always a pretty sight. Married people seem to look at their spouse's bags of mess as if they have no bags themselves. Have you ever seen two married people talk to friends or a counselor about their marriage? Man it is a bunch of you you you statements but very rarely do you hear, I did this and I did that. As Jesus would put it, we are trying to take the mote out of the other person's eye while not paying attention to the beam within our own eye. That is why happily ever after does not exist because we have beams in our own eyes and instead of dealing with these beams, we are try to perform surgery on our spouses. The reality of happily ever after can be obtained, just not in the package that you have been trained to think that it would come in. Every dude that you start to date seems like prince charming at first until you see that he was a frog. Your husband seemed like prince charming at first as well, you wouldn't have married him if you didn't. The same can be said about the princess/damsel in distress. The trials of marriage will sober you up quickly but instead of running to the next supposed prince or princess, work with the one you have. Sometimes the key to happily ever after is already in your hand, you just have to find the way to open it. We are always so busy trying to make our spouse be who we want them to be that we neglect to be who we are supposed to be. We can continue to act like children and fantasize about what happily ever after should look like or we could actually put in the work to make happily ever after a reality. As all counselors say, it starts with you. Start treating your spouse like a prince/princess and see if you get closer to happily ever after, something tells me that in most cases, you will.

YOU NEED TO CHANGE MORE THAN YOU THINK

You Need to Change More Than You Think

I have always heard the saying “Men go into marriage expecting their women not to change; women go into marriage expecting that their husbands will”. From the beginning of the marriage, there is already this push and pull. We often walk into marriages with mixed expectations and this makes it harder to become one. Both sides have to realize that they must adjust their perspectives and that there is need for change.

The word change is a very dirty word for most people. Let's face it, when someone thinks you should change, you feel as if they are telling you that something is wrong with you. It's hard not to take things personally because you feel that this is the person that your spouse married and that they should have known that this was who/how you were from the beginning. Honestly, this is where the trouble truly begins and where animosity begins.

Everyone is reluctant to change, especially when someone is requiring it of you. When you change on your own, it obviously does not feel forced. When someone else wants you to change, most people fight it tooth and nail. I guess you can say that this is where pride takes over. When that happens, it's difficult to get through to the other person. Instead of listening to each other, it almost seems as if you begin to try to “one up” the other person.

The problem with most humans is that we know that we are not perfect and yet we act as if we are. Fundamentally we know that we have issues but we don't like it when other people try to tell us. When our friends tell us that we aren't perfect, we laugh it off or we tell them where they can go. When our spouses tell us about our imperfections it’s a slap in the face. We expect for them to live with us, flaws and all.

Change is all around us and to tell you the truth, we change all of the time. Sometimes we change by choice and other times out of necessity. When it comes to changing in marriages, our personal feelings get in the way. That seems to be the thing that makes changing so difficult - being personally invested takes over our rational thinking. Change, however, does not need to be as horrible as we make it.

Honestly, I feel that change comes from within. Once your spouse lets you know that there is an issue, you have to decide to change to accommodate them. All too often we expect our spouses to change right on the spot or when we want them to but that can be dangerous. Change isn't something that happens overnight for most people. Sure, some people can change cold turkey but that is not the norm. Someone who has been a certain way their entire life now has to change - that does not come easily.

I am not going to sit here and act as if I have this change thing down because I do not. Honestly, change is very difficult for me. I am a very analytical person and when I don't feel like something makes sense, it's hard for me to change. The thing about change in marriage is that it is a two way street. All parties must be willing to change in order for things to work. No matter how great you think you are, you will need to change. If you can seriously read this and think that you do not need to change, you probably need to change more than you think!

The Theory of God and the Bible Part II

I saw a speaker recently who talked about forgiveness. She mentioned that if we do not forgive others, our Father in Heaven would not forgive us. This to many is one of the greatest theories in the Bible. We all want to have God forgive us for our messed up ways, but let somebody else cross us and forgiveness becomes a theory quickly. We will hold on to a grudge for as long as possible and yet we act as if we have forever to hold on to them. I have been reading books and articles about Christian marriages and divorces and I realize that people don't truly believe in their vows. When people are getting married they say till death do us part and for better or for worse. Many will say that that marriage is a covenant that cannot be broken but let the marriage start going sour and all of these things become theory. God becomes theory again and His Word becomes a set of well crafted theories. As much as I hate to admit it, God has been a theory to me for a long time. I truly believe that He exists but when I need to truly trust in Him, He becomes academic to me. I realize that I have trouble sleeping and trouble eating when trials and tribulations come upon me. I can tell you all of the Scriptures that say to ask God and believe that He will do for you but for me that is just theory. I don't truly believe it because if I did, I would leave it all to Him. It's crazy how many church going women I know who refuse to submit themselves to their husbands. They find all excuses in the world not to do it and even when presented with the Word, they ignore it. God again has become academic to them. In theory it sounds great but the reality seems to be much different. Instead of thus sayeth the Lord, it becomes well that was before women had jobs or whatever excuses can be made. They say that now preachers don't add submission into vows because today's Christian woman does not like it in there. The point of this writing is not to make Christian folks mad but it is to make some of us realize that we view God and the Word as academic theory. When true reality sets in, we show just how little faith we have in the Lord and His instruction manual for us. We fool ourselves into saying that we are saved and yet we live a life of complete opposition to the very things that God asks of us. Yes it is Grace that saves us and not works, yet the fruit of the Spirit will show in a saved person's actions. Saved people don't doubt God and His Word. Saved people don't live a life in opposition to God and then make excuses for it. Saved people don't see God and the Bible as theory but as a fact that cannot be compromised!

The Theory Of God and the Bible Part I

Evolution is a theory, the Big Bang is a theory, and if I am not mistaken gravity is a theory also. A theory is defined as a plausible or scientifically acceptable general principle or body of principles offered to explain phenomena. The problem with theories is that, they are often believed as if they are fact when in actuality, by definition, they are just highly educated hunches. I would like to add to the pot, my theories of God and of the Bible. Many people will brand me sacrilegious for saying that God and the Bible are just theories and yet they live their lives as if They are just that, theories. I have run into many Christians who believe that man was formed from a single cell organism and through evolution became what we are today. For many of them (Christians) the Bible is just a book written by man with some portion of God leading the way. So instead of Creation, evolution seems to be the popular choice to believe. Christians go to church every weekend and supposedly read the Scriptures all of the time and yet God and His Word are simply just theories to them. If you were to ask a question about their thoughts on God, they would swear up and down that they believe in Him with all of their hearts but it is my theory that many of them believe in theory. God to many is an academic thought but the true reality is not in most of our hearts. It's great to talk about our faith from a superficial point of view but the reality is far different. Have you ever been around Christians before? We are some of the worst people to be around. We lie,steal, cheat, commit adultery, fornication, idolatry, and we hate our brothers and sisters. God knows I have seem people who do not consider themselves as Christians do more for the hungry and poor, than most churches do. Christians who are supposed to mirror the image of God walk around as if we have no fear in Him. God to many is just a theory and the Bible is just a study of theories. It's crazy but today church will be packed with supposed saved people and strip clubs will be packed tonight with the same saved people. Churches will be packed this afternoon and tonight clubs will be packed with the same people falling down drunk and sleeping with whomever they can find. The theory of God and the Bible is that they sound good for a couple of hours on Saturday/Sunday but after church hours are over, so goes those theories. The church is filled with hypocrites and liars who love to talk a good game about belief yet, you see no fruit from their beliefs.

FELLAS as Much as it Pains Me to Say This...We Have to be Better Husbands

FELLAS as Much as it Pains Me to Say This...We Have to be Better Husbands Yesterday I learned a very humbling truth and that is…....I had no clue on how to be a husband! When I thought about how something like that could happen it didn't take me long to realize why. Let's face it - I was not surrounded by men who knew how to be husbands. My father and mother were divorced when I was four years old. I lived with my grandparents from the time I was four to seventeen and I know for a fact that my grandfather was the worst example of a husband! During my senior year of high school, I lived with my aunt and uncle and to be honest, that was the first time that I saw a husband that I could pattern myself after. And even he didn't completely know what he was doing! Many men - especially black men - are less than prepared to be husbands. This is mainly because often times we never saw an example of what a husband should be. Even though some of my friends grew up with both parents in the household, that did little to prepare them for the duty of being a husband. Most of our thoughts on what being a husband should be like come from a secular viewpoint. The world has a view of what a husband should look like and the Bible has a view on what a husband is. All too often the reason that men fail as husbands is because the world's views and God's view are totally different. Look at the messes that we have made in our marriages. They say that in America the divorce rate is around 50 percent. Many point to the fact that we are living in a "Godless," society as the reasoning behind this. Unfortunately the so-called "heathen," are not the only ones getting divorced. Sorry to say but "Christians," are getting divorced as well. I know a few pastors who have gotten divorced so it's not just the secular community who is killing marriage. It is the lack of knowledge of what being a husband is all about that is destroying the sanctity of the institute. Sure, other reasons contribute to the decline of marriages but at the end of the day God holds men responsible. Men think that being a husband is about being the hunter, gatherer, and protector of the home. While these things are parts of his duties, they are not necessarily what God says he should be. Husbands are supposed to emulate Christ, and as he sacrificed and died for us, we are supposed to do the same for our wives. We say that we would die for our wives yet we refuse to die to self. We don't put our wives first in all things. I know I don't and that is one of the reasons that I fail. We really aren't taught marriage from a biblical precept. So we come into marriage thinking that we can be selfish and that things will work themselves out. We tell ourselves that we will fulfill our duties when she fulfills her duties - which clearly shows that we have conditions to our love. We often lack sacrifice because we were taught to have this macho image. A man who sacrifices too much is considered a punk and is weak but that is not the true definition of sacrifice. There is a difference between being a doormat and sacrificing for your wife and the good of your family. Too bad many of us are not taught the difference. What we are taught is just plain selfishness. We are willing to give to our wives things that don't take much for us to give, but as my wife says, "when the rubber meets the road," we say something different. I suggest that men read For Married Men Only: Three Principles to Ignite Love by Tony Evans. I finished the book in one day and in one day I realized that I have been lacking as a husband. It's one of those things that make you feel like you were living in a matrix. I saw my duties as a husband one way days before and now I see my duties in a much different light. Fellas, I know you are probably going to say that a marriage is about more than just the husband and you are right. However, the family is our duty. God holds us responsible so we have to learn to be better husbands.

Please Don't Forget About Trayvon Martin

Please Do Not Forget About Trayvon Martin

Human beings have short attention spans. One minute we are consumed with something and the next minute we are finding something to replace that interest. The media is the same way - they love a hot story but only until another hot story comes along. God knows that about a month ago I was so tired of hearing about the “Occupy Movements”. Today, you barely know that they are still going on. This world is ever-changing with violence and disasters taking place almost on a daily basis. The news could be reporting on a case that interests us only to break away to some new, over-the-top story.That is why I say, don't forget about Trayvon Martin!

Right now Black America is up in arms about this case. It's not the first time that something like this has happened and I am sure that it will not be the last time. With that being said, we have the ability to make some serious changes to laws and how the system handles these types of cases. I have watched many late night news shows about this case and a lot of the commentators are saying that we will forget about this soon - maybe that's their hope. If we do this, we will be doing ourselves a great injustice and that would not motivate our system to change.

We need to rekindle the fire that Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and many other black Civil Rights leaders started. The courts and the system back then were just as corrupt or even more corrupt than it is now but because we fought, the system had to bend. They didn't bend because they saw the error of their ways. They bent because we would not allow ourselves to continue to be mistreated. Now today we are so comfortable in our settings that we refuse to fight and they keep abusing us. Instead of the entire community getting into the fight, we have one side that refuses to fight, another side who fights foolishly, and another side that fights until they get bored.

We don't have the luxury of having all of these sides. Trayvon is our son, cousin, nephew, friend, and in essence our very selfs. For many of us this story hurts but because it happened hundreds of miles away or because it isn't our child, we aren't taking the action that we should be taking. When people like Zimmerman get away with something like this, it makes it easier for this type of action to continue. It is only a matter of time before one of us gets badly hurt or killed because we looked suspicious to someone.

Please let us continue to keep this story in the news! Let's continue to march, send letters, and do whatever it takes (peacefully) to show that we are not going to forget. Let us not rest until we get justice. Let us stop looking for some great person to save us or some government official and let us take it into our own hands (within the scope of the law). I am proud of what our community is doing thus far but let us not stop until we reach our goal and please please please DO NOT FORGET ABOUT Trayvon Martin!

Marriage Can Make You Stupid

Marriage Can Bring Out The Stupid in All of Us

Have you ever seriously listened to married people fight? Let's be honest for a minute, married people sometimes argue about the craziest things! We have all heard the saying that you shouldn't make a mountain out of a mole hill, but unfortunately we do this too often. Sometimes things that are not even that important become World War III. We end up yelling and attacking each other for things that in the big scheme of things, aren't that important.

I am sure that we have all heard the age old argument about the toilet seat being left up. After all of these years, this same argument has stumped many couples. Wives believe that the toilet seat should be pulled down after the husband uses the bathroom and husbands just don't see the big deal. Still to this day I can get a crowd of men and women riled up if I just mention the subject but no matter how you slice it up, the argument is just ridiculous. Husbands, for your own sanity, please pull the seat down. Wives, if he forgets, just pull the seat down and go about your business. It's just that simple - nothing more and nothing less!

My wife and I used to argue about how we would drive to her mother's house. She likes to go a certain way when she drives and I like to go a certain way when I drive. She says that her way is shorter and to be honest, whether it is or not, I personally like to go the way that I go. Not because I am trying to be difficult or opposite, but because that is what I prefer. We don't have this argument anymore because I realized that in order to not have it, I would just go the way she suggested. Honestly, it just was not worth the conversation.

I know that as human beings, we tend to take things personally but we really have to learn to get over ourselves. Marriage teaches us all that the world does not revolve around us. When we continue to fight over these simple things, we continue to think that the world is revolving around us. Peace in marriage is the responsibility of both partners. A husband shouldn't always have to do something his wife's way in order to keep peace. Wives shouldn't have to always do things the husband's way to keep peace either. It's about compromise and the reason that we don't compromise is because we have a problem with self exaltation!

Men and women usually understand that in life they cannot have everything their way. Yet for some strange reason, we believe that this does not apply to marriage. We seriously have this skewed view of marriage where our partners seem to become our own personal punching bags. If we don't get what we want, then somehow our partner must not love us like they should. Let's be honest for a second and just call it like it really is – at times we are just plain selfish! We want what we want and when we don't get it, then someone (our mate) has to pay.

Honestly, our marriages are too blessed to be stressing over foolishness. Some husbands spend all of their rent money on horse races and getting drunk. Some husbands beat their wives for looking at them funny. Some wives like to go clubbing with the girls and act like they aren't married. Some wives feel like there is nothing wrong with having another man on the side. I guess the point that I am trying to make is that some people have serious issues in their marriages. Arguing over stupid and simple things just show how simple some of us really are. Am I guilty of this sometimes? Of course! That is why I am writing this. I am starting to understand that I need to grow up and that many of our marriages need to grow up as well!

THE BLAME GAME

The Blame Game

What is the most popular game of all time? Some will guess Truth or Dare, Monopoly, or maybe even the Drinking Game - but they would be wrong. The world's most popular game was never taught but it seems to be a skill with which every human was born. The name of the game is simply called the "blame game." We usually grow to hate this game and yet most of us continue to play it.

Human beings are experts at this game because we have had so much practice. Remember fighting with one of your siblings as a kid? They would do something that we didn't like, so we would retaliate and when the punishment seemed to be on it's way, we would say something like, "they started it”, or “he hit me first." In our immature state, we tried to find a way to blame other people for our problems. Unfortunately, many of us do not leave this state of being.

Money and water may be scarce resources but there is no shortage of blame. We like to blame people for everything but we don't like to look at our wrongs. I knew a girl who couldn't understand why people didn't like her. If you asked her, she would tell you everything that was wrong with other people but you would never hear her say what she did to contribute to this. This girl was a liar and a gossip - people hated her because she was a trouble maker. She refused to take responsibility for what she was doing wrong. Instead of looking within, it was always everyone else.

I see the blame game just about every day of my life. It's hard for people to fully take responsibility for their own actions. Blaming others, in a way, makes us feel better about ourselves. Sometimes we refuse to see ourselves with the same lenses that other people do. When people try to point out something that we have done to them, many of us try to find a way to put some of the blame back on that person. It's almost as if we all become mini lawyers because we will try to justify our way out of everything.

Have you ever had a conversation with your married friends? God knows that we are expert blame artists! I talk to my best friend about his wife all of the time and he sure knows how to blame her for things but when I play devils advocate with him, he can justify himself with the best of them. I won't just throw my boy under the bus, I may be king of the blame game. In my head, if I feel like you have done me wrong, I feel justified for behaving a certain way. If my wife tells me that I did something wrong or comes at me in a less than loving way, I have been known to dish out what I felt I was receiving.

The blame game truly has no place in a marriage. What I am currently learning is that the people who usually play the blame game, have too much pride. Honestly I like to see myself as humble, but marriage has shown me that I lack true humility. Sometimes you have to sit back and shut up when your spouse is telling you something. You can continue to go back and forth with each other but trust me, you won't get far. You may even be justified in how you are feeling but even then, you aren't justified in the blame game. It is said that if someone smacks you in the face that you are to turn the other cheek but what most of us don't understand is that this is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength! The blame game won't get us very far and justification is only for self edification. In the end we will be held responsible for what we do and have done - there will be no points added for the blame game!

YOU NEED TO CHANGE MORE THAN YOU THINK

You Need to Change More Than You Think

I have always heard the saying “Men go into marriage expecting their women not to change; women go into marriage expecting that their husbands will”. From the beginning of the marriage, there is already this push and pull. We often walk into marriages with mixed expectations and this makes it harder to become one. Both sides have to realize that they must adjust their perspectives and that there is need for change.

The word change is a very dirty word for most people. Let's face it, when someone thinks you should change, you feel as if they are telling you that something is wrong with you. It's hard not to take things personally because you feel that this is the person that your spouse married and that they should have known that this was who/how you were from the beginning. Honestly, this is where the trouble truly begins and where animosity begins.

Everyone is reluctant to change, especially when someone is requiring it of you. When you change on your own, it obviously does not feel forced. When someone else wants you to change, most people fight it tooth and nail. I guess you can say that this is where pride takes over. When that happens, it's difficult to get through to the other person. Instead of listening to each other, it almost seems as if you begin to try to “one up” the other person.

The problem with most humans is that we know that we are not perfect and yet we act as if we are. Fundamentally we know that we have issues but we don't like it when other people try to tell us. When our friends tell us that we aren't perfect, we laugh it off or we tell them where they can go. When our spouses tell us about our imperfections it’s a slap in the face. We expect for them to live with us, flaws and all.

Change is all around us and to tell you the truth, we change all of the time. Sometimes we change by choice and other times out of necessity. When it comes to changing in marriages, our personal feelings get in the way. That seems to be the thing that makes changing so difficult - being personally invested takes over our rational thinking. Change, however, does not need to be as horrible as we make it.

Honestly, I feel that change comes from within. Once your spouse lets you know that there is an issue, you have to decide to change to accommodate them. All too often we expect our spouses to change right on the spot or when we want them to but that can be dangerous. Change isn't something that happens overnight for most people. Sure, some people can change cold turkey but that is not the norm. Someone who has been a certain way their entire life now has to change - that does not come easily.

I am not going to sit here and act as if I have this change thing down because I do not. Honestly, change is very difficult for me. I am a very analytical person and when I don't feel like something makes sense, it's hard for me to change. The thing about change in marriage is that it is a two way street. All parties must be willing to change in order for things to work. No matter how great you think you are, you will need to change. If you can seriously read this and think that you do not need to change, you probably need to change more than you think!

CHEAP GRACE...THE CHRISTIAN KILLER

“cheap grace”...The Silent Christian Killer

I have visited several different churches and denominations throughout the years and the one constant throughout each church is that everyone believes that they are saved. When you hear the altar call each week, the preacher basically asks everyone, “do you know where you are going if you were to die today?”. Some rush up to the front to assure their salvation, while others believe that they have already obtained it. But is walking down the aisle to the front of the church enough?

It is often said that in order to be saved, we must believe in the Son of God. We must believe that He came to suffer for our sins and that because he suffered for our sins, that if we believe in Him, we will be saved. Clearly I am simplifying things a little but for the most part, this is the main platform for Christianity. Though I am also a believer in this teaching, I caution all so-called Christians to not think that the journey stops there. As James 2:19 says, "Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble. But wilt thou know, O vain main, that faith without works is dead.

Please do not mistake what I am trying to say, we are saved by grace. That means that nothing we have done or can do will save us. With that being said, grace does not give us the ability to do what we wish. Many of us are walking around thinking that because we are "saved" that we can live a life of sin. We must understand that Jesus died to forgive our sins, but not so that we would continue to live in our sins. Some folks think that because they say that they are saved, that they really are saved.

A great deal of Christians are walking around with this thought of “cheap grace”. With “cheap grace” many live as if everything can remain as it was before. That is why many people do not respect Christians because we look and act no different than them. It's like saying I am saved and yet you sleep around, take drugs, use filthy language, and spend your time in the club. My question to you, is do you think that sounds like someone who is truly saved? I have spoken to many pastors on the subject of "Once saved always saved" and they all pretty much say the same thing -you cannot gain salvation and then lose salvation. I then pose the question to them, “if someone comes down to the altar to be saved and truly believes it at the time but then turn right back around and continue to live a life of sin, will they go to heaven?”. Most, if not all of the pastors say that maybe that person was not truly saved from the beginning.

I believe that our churches stay filled today because our preachers are fixing meals for the people that are easier to digest and because there is not true contrition involved. Are we not called to repentance? To repent is not to half way say Lord forgive me, it is to feel the wrong in what you have done and to turn away from that wrong. It is not to perpetuate that wrong and think that grace has covered it.

Am I saying that he who believes in Christ is not saved? No I am not! Am I saying that we are not saved by grace? No, I am not! Am I saying that because we become "saved" that we will never commit sins? No I am not! What I am saying is that someone who is saved does not live a life of perpetual sins. They do not purposefully and boldly sin. A saved man falls and gets back up -he does not stay down and wallow in his sin. And as the Lord says in the book of Matthew, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!" Don't let your “cheap grace” do you in!!!

THE CRUTCH THAT IS BLACK HISTORY MONTH

The Crutch That Is Black History Month

I have never been a fan of Black history month in its current state. For as long as I can remember we've covered the same group of people over and over again in school. Yes Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and Harriet Tubman were important and should never be forgotten, but let us not forget that there are many, many black people who have accomplished great things in this country. The current state of Black history month seems to cheat us of all of the great things that we have done. Some would suggest that having a month is better than not having anything at all. Though that may be true to a certain extent, we have allowed this month to make us lazy.

It amazes me how a country that is a few hundred years old could find it acceptable to make Black accomplishments 28 days long. This is partly why today's youth lacks identity. Many of us do not know who we are and from where we come. Sure, we know that we were slaves brought to America. We know about civil rights, but we don't seem to know more than that. How can we be proud when we don't know that we have so much that should make us proud?

I mean no disrespect to Carter G. Woodson and what he was trying to accomplish when the observance of Black History month began. My problem is with our country's lack of advancement when it comes to Black history, and with Blacks ourselves. We are not teaching our kids about themselves and we keep hiding behind a month to do the job for us. I don't expect our government to change but I do expect for us as a people to change. Most of us could tell you where to buy the best pizza in Chicago or we can give you Walter Payton's career stats but many of us don't know who Jean Baptiste Point du Sable is.

Our kids are blinded by their current circumstances and do not see that not only were we Kings and Queens, we were and are so many other things. Frederick Douglas was a slave and accomplished many great things. Charles Drew was raised in a time when racism was blatant and rampant yet he still accomplished so much. Maybe if we taught our children that just because they currently live in a state of need, they have the ability to one day change those circumstances. We have to teach our kids that there are more ways to be successful than just how great your jump shot is or how fast you can run the forty yard dash.

Please understand that I am not disrespecting athletes. If you can make millions playing sports, by all means go for it. My problem is that parents unfortunately are not letting their children know that being an athlete does not guarantee your success. Your brain guarantees your success. Maybe we can teach our kids about Myron Rolle so that they can see that we are a smart people. Myron Roll graduated from Florida State University in 2.5 years with a 3.7 G.P.A. He was awarded the honor of being a Rhodes Scholar and studied at Oxford for a year. He was also the number one rated safety in America coming out of high school. Currently Myron is trying to make an NFL roster and if he does, great!But if he does not, he is going to be a brain surgeon. While all of these players are sustaining brain injuries, he may one day be the one to cure them!

Four years ago we were taught that a Black man can actually be president of the US. This was not just in theory but in actual reality. My point is quite simple, Black history month is better than nothing but our history is something that should be taught daily. We need for our youth to see that success has been accomplished by us before and it can be accomplished by us again. Young Black children need to see that we matter and that we are important. If the government will not do this then we as a people need to do this. Let's stop using Black History Month as a crutch and start teaching Black history to our children all year long.

DON'T MAKE A MOCKERY OUT OF MARRIAGE

Don't Make a Mockery Out of Marriage.

My views on marriage are based on my moral beliefs. I believe that marriage is forever and not just until you get tired of someone. Unfortunately the world has a different take on the subject. People tend to view marriage as if it is a dress with the tag still on it. They wear it for little bit and once they get tired of it they try to take it back. Like buying a pair of new Nike Air Force Ones - if we get one smudge on them, we look to replace them.

Many don't view marriage as being important anymore. Today people see being married as a sort natural progression. Some of us feel that once we reach a certain age and achieve certain accomplishments, marriage is the next step. The deep significance of a lifelong partner becomes overlooked. The situation also becomes worse the older we become, because many of us will marry the first person that seems semi decent. Nothing makes people rush to the altar faster than when they see their friends getting married and start having babies.

When so many people start adopting these trivial thoughts on marriage, the sacredness of the institution becomes null and void. I believe that this is one of the reasons that the divorce rate is so high. People don't understand that marriage is not a game. It is a lot of hard work and there are many sacrifices to be made. Unfortunately folks don't seriously think about these things when they rush to get married. As soon as problems arise, they feel that divorce is the way to go.

Marriage is not a a short term lease where you test it out for a little bit and get a newer one later. The world has adopted this great lack of commitment that makes marriage into a joke. It's crazy, but now people get married because of a drunken night in Vegas or because they lost a bet. Seriously, Kim Kardashian?! 72 days?! Is that what marriage has now become? Because no one wants to take marriage seriously, many are over before they start.

I get into arguments with people all of the time when I tell them that if I were rich, I would not sign a prenuptial agreement. I understand that the agreement would be there as a protection of my assets, but what about becoming one? What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine but I guess that only works for poor people…..? To me this agreement is saying “just in case”. Well I don't want a “just in case” marriage - we are sticking this thing out. I always say that marriage is not all about drinking piña coladas and making love under the pale moonlight. If you think it is, you seriously shouldn't get married. That way you will save yourself a divorce later on.

Over the past few years, I have been to more weddings then I care to count. Each time I heard the pastor tell the bride and groom that marriage is a sacred bond and that it is not to be taken lightly. Maybe we live in a Godless society where people don't care about making and breaking vows to God. I take my vows seriously. Don't get me wrong - this walk ain't easy. This thing is a full time job with long hours but if you meet the right person, the pay is excellent. Maybe there needs to be more stringent rules to getting married. That way people would have time to think before rushing into it. I know that this would never happen so all I can do is worry about my own marriage. I refuse to make a mockery out of marriage, I just wish everyone else would follow suit!

I NEED TO GET MY MONEY RIGHT

Now It's Time To Man Up And Get My Money Right
 
 
I was out with some friends a few years ago when a girl said that she wouldn't date a man unless she saw his credit score. At the time that statement made me mad but my thoughts have since changed on that subject. For so long I didn't understand the importance of getting my finances in order, I thought that if you had enough cash, you could buy whatever you wanted and though that maybe true to a certain extent, having good credit is just as important as having a lot of cash. Unfortunately, too many people are uneducated when it comes to financial literacy. We become too focused on keeping up with the Joneses, amassing huge amounts of debt that we spend years trying to correct.
 
God knows that I could smack myself for my stupid financial decisions in my teens and early adult years. My family never taught me about saving my money and as I look back, I seriously cannot remember a single conversation about credit. When I think of it, many of them were living check to check and maybe I thought that if I went to college, I would not suffer that same fate. I wish somebody would have said, “Ilex, don't apply for that Macy's card….don't apply for that Burdines card…. don't get all of those credit cards when you don't know how you are going to pay for them”. Someone should have grabbed me by the back of my shirt when companies were trying to entice me with free t-shirts and pizzas on my college campus.
 
I remember thinking to myself that I would one day make enough money that bad credit wouldn't be a problem -boy was I wrong. Being irresponsible with my credit has caused me a great deal of heartache throughout the years. A few years ago I applied for a job with the U.S. Marshalls Department and I was turned down because my credit was so horrible. Literally, I lost a dream job because of credit. I didn't even know that it was possible to not be hired because of my finances. Besides not getting jobs, I realized that getting loans had become close to impossible. When trying to buy a car, I found someone to give me a loan but the interest rate was so high that it seemed as if I were paying a mortgage. This situation makes matters worse because instead of climbing out of debt, you end up sinking further into it.
 
Yesterday was another kick in the gut for me because I was turned down for a company American Express card. Honestly, I am so embarrassed by that because even with a corporation backing me, lenders still see me as a threat. I’ve done a much better job with my credit in the past few years but I am still playing catch up. I am still paying back money for cards that I opened up in college and instead of having extra money that I could be saving, I am dealing with my past stupidity. I am trying not to beat myself up about this but I am no longer a single man. My wife has to take this journey with me and I can't help but to feel bad that she has to suffer because of me.
 
There are too many people like me in the US. We put too much stock in trying to buy material things. We want to look like everyone else or better than everyone else but we can't afford it. It's not until something important comes along that we see how stupid we have been. My wife had a house before we met but I am imagining in horror what a lender would have said if we were going to buy our first house together. Because of my bad credit, the interest rate would probably be something ridiculous. I can't change yesterday. They say that hindsight is biased for a reason. Clearly, if I knew then what I know now I would have done things differently. All I can do now is correct the wrong that I have done and be an example for others of what not to do financially. I want to get my finances in order so when my kids are older, I can show them a positive example and I can help them in their life pursuits. As a man and a husband I want to support my wife and not leave things on her shoulders. At the end of the day I am not longer a boy and now, it is time to man up!

I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY WIFE

I Am So Grateful For My Wife

What is gratitude? Merriam-Webster defines gratitude as the state of being grateful. The Macmillion dictionary defines it as a feeling of being grateful because someone has given you something or done something for you. No matter the specific definition of the word, we can all find a reason to be grateful. I am grateful for life because many people never reached my age. I am grateful for family and friends because many people have no support. I am grateful for my job because unemployment is extremely high right now. I am grateful to God for loving me even though I don't deserve it and for giving me my wife even though I don't deserve such a wonderful blessing.

My marriage is in no way perfect but as I always say to my friends, "I will take my marriage over being single any day." I think back to my dating days and I realize that a great woman is not as easy to find as people assume. People always say that a good man is hard to find but trust me when I tell you, a good woman is equally as hard to find – and not every woman is marriage material. Like some women, I have been lied to and cheated on. I have been led to believe one thing and the reality was something totally different. There was a time, like most people, I wanted to give up - but I am glad that I didn't.

I am so grateful to have found a woman who is willing to show the same love and respect for me that I show her. When she goes somewhere, I trust that she has my best interests at heart. I am so happy that we have the ability to work things out because most people would rather throw relationships away when they have issues. I am so lucky to have found a woman who does not need me to make her life. She already had a life and she chose to allow me in it. My wife knows how to handle her business and yet still makes me feel that I am needed.

If you knew me, you would know that I love to give gifts. And nothing makes me happier than to see the woman that I love happy. In the past I felt as if people mistook my kindness for weakness. At one point I started to see myself shut down but I am glad that I found a woman who is just like me when it comes to showing how important we are to each other. I never wanted to change as a person because some people did evil deeds against me. My wife helped me regain my trust and ability to give. She brings me home clothes just because she thinks I would look good in them and though I may not always like what she picks up for me, I am thrilled that she thought about me!

I am grateful that someone could see past my imperfections and still decide to stay with me. I know that my wife is a hot commodity because she is beautiful, educated, financially savvy, and just plain sexy. She could have had any man in the world and yet she chose me. I don't think poorly about myself, but no matter what you think about yourself, it is still an honor when someone voluntarily chooses to spend the rest of their days with you and only you. Lastly I am grateful for the struggles of the past because they let me know how wonderful a real relationship can be. I am also grateful for some of the struggles in my marriage because they help me grow as a person. I see what I have as a gift from God, so I am grateful for every minute I have these blessings!

NEVER GET TOO COMFORTABLE IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Never Get Too Comfortable in Your Marriage


Most relationships start out the same way. Both men and women seem to put their best foot forward at the beginning. We want to impress each other and show why we should be together as opposed to someone else. We have this burning desire for each other that spark us to go the extra mile, but often times that desire seems to fall by the wayside. It's too bad that we treat each other like we love each other when we first meet but we act as if we don't like each other when we are supposed to be in love.

I truly believe that people need to continue to try to impress each other. When you decide to settle down with someone, that should not give you the license to act as if you don't have to keep trying. I understand that when you commit to someone you feel comfortable with them and you should, but you should also continue to make your partner feel special. Just because you say "I do," and just because you know that your partner is not going anywhere, that does not mean that your work stops there.

It's easy to change when you get married, let's face it, you know a lot more about your partner now then you did in the dating stage. While dating, you seem to be on your best behavior and you would never have thought to disrespect each other. When dating people handle little disagreements in a better way then they do when they get married. I am guilty of this myself, I can't lie, sometimes I don't handle things in the most respectful manner. I can say the same thing for my wife. This, in my opinion, is a big mistake that we have made and it is a big mistake that most people make. Sometimes we tend to lose our friendship when we become too familiar with each other.

Becoming too comfortable with each other can ruin the passion in relationships. I like to call it the Victoria Secret and granny panty syndrome. Have you ever noticed that when you first meet a woman, you never see her granny panties. Your man doesn't come over wearing his underwear and socks with the huge holes in them either. I know that many women will say that cotton underwear are comfortable and I am realistic about the situation, you can't always be sexy. I am sure if a man had to keep digging his underwear out of his behind all of them time, he would want to have some comfortable underwear also. The point of what I am saying is that, we need not take for granted our partner. The things that we did to impress each other before we got married, should be the things that we do to impress each other during our marriages.

Fellas we start out like the most romantic beings that God ever created. We hold hands, we talk softly, we write long notes, and we come with gifts as much as we possibly can. Stop me if you have heard this saying before, "Before we got married you used to bring me flowers and gifts all of the time." When we get married, often times men think that birthdays and Christmas are the only times that we should give gifts. We used to bring little gifts just because. Before we would stay up all night talking to each other and now we act as if we are not interested in what our wives have to say, this should not be.

The beauty of marriage is that you have found someone to spend the rest of your life with. You can and should be the real you however that does not mean that your job is done. Ladies, sometimes wear your sexy undergarments for your man. Fellas stop wearing those funky boxers and socks with the holes in them. Stop talking to each other as if you don't love each other. Fellas (self included) start listening more. Bring home her favorite (whatever) every now and then. Even though you know that you aren't going anywhere, make each other feel like you did when you first started dating. Always try to impress each other and you will always be impressed by each other!

The Rewards Outweigh The Negatives

The Rewards Outweigh the Negatives

This message is for the fellas out there, we need to be careful when we speak to our none married friends about marriage. I was talking to a friend the other day about marriage when one of his friends over heard us. He said something that really made me think about the way married men portray marriage. Often times when we talk about the subject, we say negative things. Instead of truly focusing on the positives, we usually speak unflatteringly.

Often times married men make marriage seem as if it were the worst thing ever. Before I got married I can't tell you how many times I heard guys call their wives things like the warden or the slave master. It seems as if many of us are saying that our wives are trying to control us or take away our fun. I used to think to myself, why am I going to get married because married men seem so miserable. In my opinion when we do this, we do a disservice to our single friends.

Don't get me wrong, marriage is difficult. If you are expecting me to say that everyday is like sipping Piña Coladas and making love under the pale moonlight, you would be sadly mistaken. When I talk to my friends about marriage, I try to give them a more positive spin. I tell them that often times marriage is difficult because human beings are flawed. I can't go around speaking negatively about my wife without seriously acknowledging my own issues. Let's face it, we are selfish beings. When we get married, often times we think of ourselves as two individuals living together but not truly as one. We want to do what we want to do and go when we want to go without considering the other person.

I get mad at my wife sometimes and honestly I have negative thoughts but as I said before, human beings are selfish. My wife is truly my help meet and she has my best interest at heart. She may suggest to me that I don't spend money on something, not because she is trying to control my spending or take away my fun, she does it because she can see things that I may not see or choose to ignore. I can be an impulsive shopper and I end up buying things that I don't need or plain just don't use. When I am fighting with my wife about these things, at that moment I am thinking that she is trying to control me but often times afterwards I realize that she is trying to consult me.

Honestly, I have no business speaking negatively about marriage and some of my friends don't either. Marriage has been great to me. I have a beautiful wife who has my back and wants nothing but love and respect from me in return. I know that I have a friend and a partner who I can confide in and that feeling is comforting to me. Yes marriage is difficult and sure my wife is not perfect but I wouldn't trade her for the world. So the next time someone asks me about marriage, I would tell them that it is work but the rewards outweigh the negatives!

Something Far Greater

Something Far Greater is Waiting For You!


It's funny how life works. Steps that you took and decisions that you made years ago can change your life today. Some believe it to be Divine Intervention, while others say that it's just dumb luck. However you like to see it, I am amazed by the results. Every time I think of my wife, I am reminded that there is a force greater than myself working.

I was raised in Ft. Lauderdale, FL not knowing that my wife existed. She was raised in East Orange, New Jersey not knowing about me either. Elementary school, middle school, high school, and college yet still no clue about each other. First crush, first kiss, homecoming dates, prom dates, and a few heartaches later but still no knowledge of each other.

I like to believe that it was meant for my wife to attend Morgan State and decide to settle down in Washington, DC. Though I attended school at Florida State, I feel that It was meant for me to go there and meet a few exes from the DC metro area. Had it not been for them I probably would have never visited DC and maybe I wouldn't have wanted to move there. Even though I was not dating these young ladies when I moved to the area, I now see that I was meant to be here.

There are always little things going on behind the scenes that we are not aware of. For instance, I remember moving to DC with no job and a few hundred dollars in my pocket. It took me months to land my first real job so I had to work in a coffee shop just to have a little spending money. It was there that I met a woman who offered me a temp job with Lockheed Martin. A few months later I landed a permanent position with the company in another division. Had I not gotten this job, I may have never met my wife's Morgan State classmate and ultimately I may not have met my wife.

At the time I had locks and my co-worker suggested that I get my hair done by her friend Lea. Never in my wildest imaginations did I think that this advice would lead me to the woman who I would later marry. At that point in time, I was heart broken and not looking to date anyone. My wife was in the middle of a break up herself so we didn't get together right away. It took a few years for us to start dating but it was because of that chance meeting five years ago that we became interested in each other.

So you may be reading this wondering what point I am trying to make. I guess what I want people to know is that there is a plan for all of our lives. When we make certain decisions and suffer certain set backs, it's easy to feel down and out but something bigger is in play. You date people and because things don't work out, you feel as if you made a foolish decision. Some people can become very hard on themselves and shut down. Don't allow yourself to give up and never allow someone to take your spirit and drive. What I've learned is that every bad situation has led me to the beautiful place that I am now. Sometimes your wishes are not fulfilled because something far greater was meant for you.