We Need to Protect Our Kids

We Need to Protect Our Kids

Over the past few weeks we have heard a great deal about the Penn St. sex scandal. Now there are reports about sexual abuse at Syracuse University. A few years ago there were reports of priests molesting little boys coming out on what seemed to be a weekly basis but it seems as if over time people stopped talking about it. I am afraid that after a few weeks we are going to forget about these cases and it bothers me. This subject needs to be addressed and it needs to be addressed in a major way!

Everyday little boys and little girls are being molested by people that they know, love, and trust. Usually when television show kids being molested, they show foster kids and kids that are wards of the state. People really aren't talking about the abuse that happens in regular homes. It's sad but kids are being raped by their own fathers, uncles, cousins, and brothers. What makes the situation worse is that because people don't talk about this, that we think these cases are isolated but they aren't. More of us know people who have been sexually abused than we think we know. Unfortunately, it's that shameful secret that many people keep to themselves and so they suffer in silence.

One of my classmates at Florida State University (Laveranues Coles), was molested by his stepfather when he was a kid. It took him until he was about 27 years old to talk about the situation because let's face it, men don't want to talk about being sexually molested by another man. The problem with this is that it allows anger to boil inside of us. It diminishes our ability to trust and can ruin many of our future relationships. I personally know at least three men who have been sexually molested as boys by people living in their own homes.

Before Oprah's show went off air, she had two girls on there who had been sexually molested by their brothers. When they told their mother, she did nothing. When they told the father, he started to molest them himself and again the mother did nothing. These little girls suffered for years and had they not told a neighbor about the situation, they would have suffered even longer. How sad and how sick is this story?! Your home is supposed to be your safe place and your family members are supposed to be your protectors, but for them and countless others, this was not the case.

I can't tell you how much it angers me to know that people are so willing to do nothing in these cases. I know of kids who have been molested and the parent or other relatives were never punished. There is one thing for a parent not to know what has happened to their child but it is another thing all together when a parent knows and chooses to keep quiet. To me that parent needs to be punished in the same manner as the person who has committed the assault. When you can't speak up to your protectors for help, who can you turn to? Then people want to know why their children resent them and have no respect for them.

Quite frankly, everyone involved in this Penn St. crap should be fired and criminal charges should be filed against them. To let something like that go because you don't want to bring scandal to the program is shameful. Our children deserve better than this and because they can't protect themselves, we need to protect them. If this happened to my child, nothing short of God would come between me and the beast who had caused this pain. I just think that more needs to be said and more needs to be done to protect our babies. If not people will continue to get away with these heinous crimes! In time all children lose their innocence, but this definitely is the wrong way to lose it!

Marriage is not 50/50

Marriage is not 50/50


Marriage is WORK, if you didn't know before, now you know! It's a full time commitment that never sleeps, it must be strengthened, and it must be nourished. Besides God, it is the most important relationship that you will ever have. This person has now become "blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh."

We have been taught that marriage is a 50/50 venture. Some of us have heard that it will not always be 50/50 but sometimes it will be 60/40, 80/20, or whatever other ratios that you can come up with. Often times they teach that your partner will not always give you everything. They also tell you that you may not always give your spouse your all. This gets repeated so much that we really don't question or challenge it, we just accept it as the gospel.

To me, a marriage that is not 100/100, is a marriage that is being short changed. Even if you are giving 99/1, you are not giving your all. Many of us are "Randy Mossing" our marriages. We show up when we want to show up and we take plays off. We say that if we don't have things exactly our way, that we are going to ignore the needs of the other team member. To me this is a marriage that is not using it's full potential.

Don't get me wrong, we are human beings and as humans, we have to fight the urge not to lollygag. Let's face it, 100 percent is not always an easy thing to give. Sometimes we wake up and we really don't feel like going all out. There are times when we want to do our own thing and not have to worry about another person. For so long we have been individual players, and now we are team members for life.

Marriage in my opinion should be more like Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan. It's like having a love and a passion that is so strong, that you always want the best. You never saw these guys take a play off and even when they put up great numbers, they were always thinking about what they could have done and should be able to do better. There was never a time that you could say that these guys short changed you. You should give the same to your spouse. They should always feel that you are trying and see that your are tirelessly working to make things right between the two of you.

Giving 100 percent does not mean that things will be perfect and that your marriage will be perfect. Magic Johnson, in his best year, shot 91 percent from the free throw line. Michael Jordan, who is considered by many to be the greatest basketball player ever, shot less than 50 percent from the field. Giving your all does not mean that you will make every shot or that you will never mess up. What it does mean, is that you play your heart out and you always seek for the best you have to offer. Your spouse will have no choice but to respect you, knowing that you are giving your all.

Between Magic and Michael, they played 28 years in the NBA. Amongst the two of them, they won 11 NBA titles. What does this mean? It means that even with giving your all, there will be some disappointments. There are always some Boston Celtics and Detroit Pistons standing in your way. You just learn how to defeat them and never let them defeat you even when it seems as if they have won.

Let's face it, even the best of us will face rough times and situations but that is not an excuse to give up. You owe it to the team to show up and be ready to play each and everyday. You owe it to them to give 100 percent. When you need a breather, discuss what can be done so that you come back refreshed and ready to reign victorious. If it is difficult to beat the Celtics with giving your all, you know you won't win when you don't give your all. The same can be said in a marriage!

Some Men Are Shallow and Some Women Are Materialistic

Some Men Are Shallow... And Some Women Are Materialistic (Where do you stand)?


I am starting to realize something about men and women - we choose to be stupid. We have the capacity to put tons of metal into the sky and out in space without them crashing down. We put huge vessels on top of  and under the water without them sinking. We think of and accomplish so many things with our minds and yet sometimes we act as if we have no sense at all. So I guess my question for today is, are we dumbing ourselves down to fit in with the rest of society?

Think about it, most of the things we do in this life are based on the reactions or ideas of others. We buy expensive cars many times because we want to show our success. We buy expensive watches, shoes, pocketbooks, and houses to sort of “one up” other people. I am not saying that we don't do some of these things because we genuinely like them but let's be honest - society sort of dictates what we think is hot and/or what we think is the best. That my friend, has caused us a lot of unnecessary heartache.

Fellas, how many of us are trying to buy love? Look at television and you will see exactly what I am talking about. I watch several shows where unattractive wealthy men are dating or are married to beautiful women. Their houses are huge, cars are exotic, and the gifts are spectacular. This is not just a T.V. thing though, it happens in everyday life. Men are breaking their backs to try to obtain the baddest women out there so that they can show their “arm candy” accomplishments.

Our society is all out of whack. Black Men's Magazine, Vibe, Maxim, and our videos keep suggesting what hot is. They keep trying to define women by what they look like and not necessarily by who they are. Fellas, we often times feed into the hype. Many times guys know that the women they have are there based on what they do for a living. Who he really is also falls to the wayside because he is seen as the financier for her wants. We are willing to trade in our hearts for a big booty and a smile.

Men are usually accused of being visual creatures and for the most part it is true. That keeps us in trouble but just as many men are blinded by superficial looks, many women are guilty of materialism. Women want a handsome guy but ladies are more likely than men to disregard looks. Let's face it, half of the MLB, the NFL, and the NBA are evident of that. Money goes a long way for some women in making men look better. Wanting to have the newest and best materialistic items have led women to sort of whoring themselves out to the highest bidder.

Tupac once said that he saw a woman in the mall who he thought was attractive. He said that she looked at him as if he were nobody. Later that day he spotted the girl with one of her friends (the friend noticed he was Tupac) and ran up to him. All of a sudden the woman was interested in him now. It's funny but I remember when I was dating, it amazed me how things worked. Yes I would approach the most attractive girls and with regular conversation, I was not that interesting. When asked what company I worked for, they became excited because I guess they thought that I was worth more than I really was. It was a destructive two way street -me only caring about looks and them seeing dollar signs.

Maybe this article is not written for you and maybe you think that it is filled with gross generalizations but I guarantee that you know men who have issues with running after beautiful women who can care a less about them. I also bet that you know women who are caught up with materialism and choose men based on the amount of zeros on his check. Come on, we all have a little bit of these characteristics within ourselves. Have you not asked your boy, “what does she look like or who can you compare her to?” Have you ever said, "girl, you know he is a doctor"?

Some of the things that I am saying are sort of tongue and cheek and I know it. The point though is still valid. We seriously place our love lives in harm’s way because we often times purposely choose the wrong people. We sometimes get married to known gold diggers because they are fine. We don't think about true love or where they will go if we lose all we have. We often times marry shallow people who will try to trade us in for a younger, more fit model. Maybe we don't find real love because we trifle with it and maybe we get screwed over because we keep trying to screw others over. Nothing is wrong with wanting a beautiful woman and nothing is wrong with wanting to be financially secure but when these things are your one and only focus, that is where you fail.

Are We Losing Our Intimacy?

Are We Losing Intimacy

Everywhere I look, there is sex. I dare you to go a complete day without seeing one sexual image. Let's face it, sexuality has become engrained in our society. Turn on the TV and what do you see, Bob standing there looking crazy in the face because he has taken ExtenZe. They show couples lying in bed excited about the new lubes on the market that help enhance the sexual experience. Women are shown walking around town with their hair blown back because they have received the new Trojan Vibrations. Try to do a simple Google search and you may get steered to a porn site. Unless we are living in a cave, we can't seem to get away from it.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE SEX! I believe that sex is a wonderful gift that was given to mankind from the beginning of time. There is nothing wrong with or dirty about sex. I just think we have started making sex into this nasty thing that is no longer intimate but is now a money making machine. It has now become an obsession in our world. I read somewhere that 76 percent of porn buyers were men and that the porn industry makes about 13.9 billion dollars a year.

I am not here to tell you my moral stance on porn so I will try to just give you some researched facts. A study from the BBC radio 1 found that one in three young adults who occasionally watched even just light porn said it had upset a partner or caused relationship problems. That number rose to seven out of ten for those who watched more than ten hours. Divorce Wizard.Com says that at a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 2/3 of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in the divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases.

I can't speak for all men but for the men that I know, porn has had a heavy influence on our lives. For the most part we learned about sex from these films. Some of our signature moves, and at some point maybe our wants and desires, have come from these movies. Let's be honest fellas, sometimes we are guilty of wanting our women to do some of the things that our favorite porn star is doing. When our mates don't provide this for us, we really become upset but don't realize that we asking for some demeaning stuff. Real talk, some men are hard down mad because their woman won't let them have anal sex with them or because their women won't let them ejaculate in their faces. While in some homes, these things are normal practices, in other homes they are deal breakers.

Much research has been done and documented on the effects porn usage has on men but research is not as prevalent on women. Though women tend to view porn at a much lower rate than men, sex shops are dominated with female sex toys. Passion parties have exploded on the scene and most of the women I know have thrown or have been to at least 2-3 of these parties. Some of the items that are introduced can be used for the sexual enhancement of both male and female partners however that depends on the household.

For some men, a vibrator is considered his arch enemy. Let's face it, the vibrator can do things that we just can't do. The average man can have sex without orgasm for 3-13 minutes. On average it takes a woman 10-20 minutes to have an orgasm which by the numbers can make it hard for a woman to reach orgasm during sex. So the vibrator comes in and does the trick at a much faster rate. According to Dr. Lori Buckley, a psychologist and certified sex therapist, "When women become used to the intensity of a vibrator, it can be harder to have an orgasm during intercourse since they're lacking the direct clitoral stimulation that they have learned to love and rely upon." I have heard some women say that they prefer vibrators to sex because they can use them for five minutes and get theirs, without the fuss of having sex and possibly not having an orgasm.

I am not trying to argue against porn or sex toys. Some couples enjoy both of them and to that, I say “to each his own”. The point that I am trying to make though, is that too many of us are losing intimacy based on these things. Husbands are making wives feel dirty and unattractive because of porn. Wives are making husbands feel inadequate because of their toys. Human beings were born with everything we need for sex. We have hands to caress and stroke, we have tongues and lips to kiss and suck, we have brains to think about how to help us achieve our sexual pleasures, and we have mouths to speak up and tell our partners what we want.

Deaf, dumb, blind, insane, or stupid

Stop Acting Blind, Deaf, Dumb, Stupid, or Insane.



When it comes to dating human beings are either blind, deaf, dumb, stupid, or are insane. Something has got to be seriously wrong with us because it seems as if we make the same foolish decisions time and time again. Maybe we are just gluttons for punishment, clearly broken hearts just don't quite hurt enough.

The average human being is born with two functioning eyes. This gives us the ability to see and react to things that are going on around us. What I am starting to realize is that, though most of us have physical sight, we remain mentally blind. Let's be honest, we have seen enough in our lifetimes not to make certain decisions as they relate to dating and yet we still make them. I read an article in Essence Magazine not to long ago about a woman who had gone out on a date with a guy who did absolutely everything to sabotage the date and what did she do, she slept with him. Long story short, she left the guys house in tears because he was a jerk.

It's one thing to be a teenager and even a young adult who makes stupid decisions. We all think that being used and abused could never happen to us, but come on people, I know folks well over thirty years old who are still doing the same stupid crap. It's a little hard for people to feel sorry for you when you willing walk into a land mine field. One definition of being blind is to disregard evidence and sound logic. Another definition is that someone is not controlled by intelligence and reason. It's understandable not to see a bad situation before hand, but to see a bad situation and run to it, is just foolish.

Most of us are not only blind but we are also deaf. It's not that we are unable to hear, we hear just find. The problem is that we sometimes choose not to listen. I have friends who corner me just about every time I see them. They are always asking me about what some guy they are dating is thinking. Now grant it, I don't know what's in every guys mind but for the most part if a woman tells me something that a guy has said or done, I already know what he is thinking and/or is going to do. I know many people ask questions that they already know the answer to yet it is human to hope for a more positive answer than anticipated.

Sometimes you have to be willing to listen when your friends and family tell you something about the person you are dating. I know that we have this tendency to tell ourselves that our loved ones just don't know the person and are on the outside looking in but let's be honest. We often make excuses for our mates even when we know that our loved ones are telling us the truth about them. Many times people tell you exactly who they are and we choose not to listen to them and amazingly we are surprised when we get hurt.

When we aren't playing blind or deaf, we decide to play dumb. The real definition of dumb is someone who is not able to speak but we speak just fine. The real issue with us is that we are afraid to tell people what we want, need, and/or deserve. We are scared of what they are going to say or how they are going to react. So we sit in silence as we are mistreated and go unloved. People sometimes have this tendency to blame their mates for their not being happy and yet say nothing to them about it.

Even those closes to us have a tendency to play dumb. They know how we get when they try to tell us about our love interest. Someone could be beating you, cheating on you, or using you but let somebody tell you that they are and you will go months if not years without speaking to the messenger. People choose to clam up when you speak about your mate because they know that if they give an opinion, they will get all of your displaced wrath.

Let's face it, when it comes to love, most people look stupid. Being stupid is showing a lack of normal intelligence or understanding but we understand just fine. We just choose to continue walking down dark paths. Some of us call this insanity but insanity by definition is mental illness or derangement. I can't imagine that the world has so many insane people.

Look, you are not blind, deaf, dumb, stupid, or insane. Life is filled with choices and you have to choose to do what is best for you. When you see that something is not right, act upon it. Be willing to listen when people try to give sound advice because they love you and want you to be happy. Speak up when you are not being treated the way you feel you need to be treated. Lastly, stop acting stupid and/or insane because you aren't. Show some love for yourself and people can't help but love you and if they won't love you, they will have no choice but to respect you.

You Are Blocking Your Blessings

Blocking Your Own Blessing


Everyone has preferences when it comes to dating. Though men may be considered the more visual of the sexes, we all want to be with people we deem to be attractive. There's nothing wrong with having your likes and wants - we deal with them every day. What I like, you may not like. What I think is beautiful you may think is nothing special.

I believe that it is perfectly okay to actually know what you want and seek it. The problem usually occurs when you close off great opportunities based on foolish criteria. Most people want physically attractive mates. Flat abs are sexy, nice lips are sexy, beautiful legs, and nice hips are sexy. If possible we would always have our ideal looking mate but we should not rule out people because they do not fully meet this imaginary standard that we have.

Beyond just looks, we have this ridged set of standards and before we give people a chance, we are quickly shutting them out. Sure, no one wants to date someone with bad credit - but maybe the person has a plan to fix that or is already in the process of fixing it. Maybe the person does not have a salary or career that you think is acceptable, but with help and encouragement will have the ability to take things to the next level. Sure, in a perfect world we would meet someone to fulfill our every desire - but this world ain't it.

I have female friends who refuse to date men who are shorter than six feet tall. There is nothing wrong with wanting a taller man but when you purposely shut out men under a certain height, you lessen the chances of finding the right man for you. Seriously I have heard of women not talking to men because they had on a pair of shoes that they didn't like or an article of clothing that they didn’t like. I have male friends who refuse to date dark skinned women and some of them refuse to date black women in general (and they are black themselves). With this stupidity going on, millions of beautiful women and men are cast to the side for a foolish preference that in the end means nothing.

No one person is perfect and no one person will fulfill all of your needs. Not being open to the possibilities will (and has already) stunted most of our progress. Imagine how we feel when someone refuses to give us a chance based on the fact that we didn't meet a certain list of categories. Think about it - no matter how gorgeous or handsome you think you are, someone out there does not find you attractive or at least not attractive enough to date. In the grand scheme of things, we put too much stock in things that really aren't as important as we think they are.

Beauty is nice but it is also fleeting. People go off to war and get their faces blown off. Nice legs are wonderful but people get in accidents daily and lose limbs. People with A-1 credit scores often make bad investments and lose their jobs. I am not saying that we shouldn't seek the best for ourselves but what I am saying is that life is not perfect and neither are you. I am not saying lower your standards or disregard them but just know that things are not always as they seem. Sometimes we emphasize the wrong things and end up with the wrong people because of our own foolish selection guides.

YOU NEED TO KNOW YOURSELF

You Need to Know Yourself


I always strive to be transparent with my wife but I realized that maybe I am not being transparent with myself. Maybe it's easier for me to point out all of the negative traits that she brings to the table and inadvertently gloss over my own. Could I be the one who has not looked deeply enough into my own destructive patterns? Hopefully in stating my negative attributes, I will understand more how I sometimes cause and escalate some of the tense moments within my household.

I hate being wrong! This, I am sure, is no big surprise to people who know me. I always said that no one likes to be wrong, but I take it to the next level and it pains me to not be right. I will argue something to the death of it just to prove that I am right, even when I really don't know that I am. I could try to make excuses for my way of thinking on this subject, but it does not matter. No one likes a supposed know-it-all.

I am moody! Sometimes I wake up on the “wrong side” of the bed. There are times when I just want to sit at home and do absolutely nothing and be by myself. You never really pay attention to these things before marriage because dating is different. When dating you call each other when you want to talk and you see each other when you want to see each other. Marriage is every day which leaves no way of hiding your mood swings. The funny thing about this is that I can't stand moody people!

I am volatile! I do have a very short fuse or what I like to call a “short tolerance for bull crap”. I must admit that I can be quick to become angry and defensive about things. When I feel that someone is trying to attack me or take advantage of me, I attack back. I know that my wife loves me and does not want to cause me pain but I have not fully learned to shut this defense mechanism down. If I feel that she is coming at me wrong, I come back at her and at times the real issue has not been addressed. Being volatile is the way of a foolish man and I know it.

I have too much pride! We have already established that I hate being wrong. Sometimes my pride keeps me from shutting up and conceding. Even when I know myself to be right, my pride keeps me from leaving the matter alone because I am so busy trying to hammer the point home. I can't lie, it pains me to have to say that I am sorry because that would mean that I did something wrong. The Bible speaks about the foolish pride of man and trust me, it is talking about ME. I don't brag about this though, because it was pride that got Lucifer kicked out of heaven. Clearly, I need to do better.

I lack tolerance for others opinions! When my wife does not see things as I do, I tend to take it personally. In my mind I guess I feel that she should think exactly like me on everything even though reality lets me know otherwise. I have a certain code that I govern myself by and I guess in my narcissism I feel that she should know and live by that code also. Don't get me wrong, more times than not my wife will find a compromise and/or understand my point as we talk but that still is not enough for me at times. I guess to me it's like, “well I can't believe that you felt that way from the beginning”.

I can't let things go! People always say that in a marriage, you have to have a short memory. I can't lie to you, my memory is like and Elephant's memory……. on steroids! Sometimes I have the tendency to hold onto things that should have been resolved a while back. Even when I try to let these things go, my actions will show that I still have some type of negative feeling towards the situation. I guess I never realized how much I am like my grandmother. She was a very sensitive woman and sometimes she was overly sensitive.

I am sure that there are other things that can be said about my negative characteristics but these are the main focal points. I realize that I need to stop ignoring them and start working on them. I can’t harp on my wife’s faults - I only have control over MY OWN actions. I have to recognize the wrong that I bring to the table and correct those wrongs. It's not just about my relationship with my wife but also about my relationship with God. Some will judge what I have written and shake their heads in disapproval and in some ways will be justified. I write this so that other people will start evaluating themselves and maybe begin realizing what they are doing wrong on a personal level. An alcoholic will never stop drinking if he does not first realize that he is an alcoholic just as a couple will never understand each other if they first do not understand themselves.

A Letter to My Unborn Child

A Letter to My Unborn Child

Dear little one,
I eagerly await your arrival into this world. I have so many things that I would like to do with you and for you. I can't wait to see your smile and hear your laugh. I pray that your lifetime will have more smiles and laughs than hard times and tears but just know, there will be hard times and tears. I wish that I could play your "Guardian Angel" and keep you from the horrible things in life, but I am just a man who must also live under the rules and wants of God.

Unfortunately everyone must go through rough patches in life and you will be no different but if you listen to the things your mother and I tell you, you will be able to minimize the pain. If you live in wisdom, you will see how to keep yourself from the unnecessary heartaches that most people allow into their lives. You won't be alone; I will be here along with your mother, guiding you and molding you. Even when you grow older and go off on your own, we will only be one phone call away from you.

I have made many mistakes in life. On one hand, I would like to keep those things secret from you - on the other hand I want you to know that I have been where you are. There are many things that I was not taught and as a result, learned them the hard way - on my own.. Though some believe this to be the best way to learn, I say a wise man listens to those who have gone before him and chooses a path that does not lead to failure and disappointment. I have foolishly placed my hands on the burning stove and I have the scars to prove it - that is why you don't need to place your hands on that stove to know it burns.

Do not be afraid to live your life with character and morals. People are going to try to make you do things that you already know are wrong. They are going to try to make you feel bad for not doing these things. They will call you out of your name and they will say that you think you are better than them, but that is not your problem. Never feel the need to compromise yourself and you will never feel the sting of regret for doing so.

Always keep in mind that your actions will have consequences to them. When you feel the need to live outside of your values, you must be willing to pay a heavy price. Many men and women will try to get you to compromise yourself for them but listen to that voice of reason inside of you. Many will come into your world and will try to make you do what they want for their own gain. No sooner than you adhere to their demands, they are nowhere to be found and you are left with the lasting memories of your self betrayal.

You are Kings and Queens and no one can force you to be anything less than that. Your worth is not what other people say it is but it is beyond their comprehension. You are worth so much and don't allow yourself to be treated like trash. When you believe in yourself, no one will be able to tear you down or disrespect you. Don't further feed into their hands by disrespecting yourself.

I wish that I could keep you from making mistakes but we all make them. No one on this earth is perfect so never get too down on yourself. Just know that some things are known as mistakes and other things are known as being foolish. A man who puts his hand on the red eye of the stove is a fool but the man who mistakenly places his hand on the eye of the stove that seemingly looks cool, has made a mistake. Both will cause pain however one of them could have been prevented.

Your mother and I are just your earthly parents and the rules and regulations we have used to raise you were learned from our heavenly father. Keep yourself close to Him and I promise you, that even though the world will still be a difficult place to live in, your life will have less dead ends then other people's lives. You won't need to worry about baby mommas and baby daddies. You won't worry about trying to hide how many people you've slept with. You won't need to worry about diseases and foolish heartaches. You will see that the well lit path will never lead you astray but when you deviate from it, you open yourself up for disaster. Stay on the path and if you veer off, have enough sense to get back on.

Shut up sometimes... You are not always right

Shut Up Sometimes...You Are Not Always Right


Do you remember when you first met your mate? It seemed that you spent a great deal of time talking. You talked about everything and it didn't matter what time of the day or night it was, you just wanted to hear each other's voice. At that moment communication was not a problem and yet you didn't know each other. Now that you know each other and are supposedly in love, communication seems to be a foreign concept.

Both sides seem to forget how they were in the beginning. When the other person spoke, we respected them and we actually let them talk. We really wanted to know how the other person was feeling and we were interested in what they were thinking. Over time it seems that we care less about what the other is thinking and what they have to say. Now when it's supposed to be “we”, it has become all about “me”.

Conversations are now less pleasant. We just don't listen to each other. Sure, we hear each other but we really aren't listening. We are so busy thinking of a witty comeback while our spouses are speaking that we don't take into consideration the other person's feelings. We have adopted the mentality that the other person is wrong and we are going to prove it. What we must realize is that sometimes, it's not about right or wrong, it's about how the other person feels.

All too often we try to make our partners look as if they are foolish. We act as if everything that they have to say is baseless. Sometimes when they speak, we roll our eyes or suck our teeth with displeasure. When we do this, we send signals to our loved one that they perceive as us not listening or caring about them. We try to make it seem as if our partner just became crazy and that we cannot understand what they are thinking.

If we are honest with ourselves, most of us would realize that we contribute to the break down in communication with our mates. Though most of us do care about how the other person is feeling, their feelings mean very little to us if they get in the way of our own views. When we think that we are correct and the other person is wrong, we just don't listen to them when they speak. In some cases, we let our partners know how stupid we think they are.

When you think about it, it really is a shame that in order for us to listen to our partners, someone else has to show us their side. I realize that time and some hard feelings can keep us from properly communicating - but this should not be. This bond should be the strongest bond that you have ever had or will ever have. No one from the outside should need to come in and help explain your partner for you.

Sometimes we need to shut up and let our mates speak. We need to let them know that we have heard what they had to say and just walk away to think about what they said. Often times the more we do this, we will see at least some of their point of view. Sometimes we will recognize that we did wrong and sometimes we won't but at least we would have let them have a voice.

We need to understand the negative stance we bring to conversations. When someone says something to us, we tend to become defensive. I can't tell you how many times a conversation has gone south due to the other person trying to defend themselves or by the other person showing signs of annoyance. I understand that when someone tells us something that we don't like, we are going to react but we have to learn to keep our composure.

People also need to be realistic about who they are. News flash - you aren't always right. Sometimes if you shut up long enough, you will see that. Many times we are hypocrites also. We don't want our partners to do and say things we do and say to them. If someone feels as if you are not holding them to the same standards that you hold yourself to, odds are they are going to tune you out.

At the end of the day, we need to practice James 1:19, " My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." A man who is quick to listen shows that he is willing to truly hear what you have to say. A man who is slow to speak shows that he is truly thinking about what you are saying. A man who is slow to anger shows that he is patient and wants to resolve the conflict and not make the situation worse. When it all boils down to it, if you shut up for a second, you just may hear what someone else is trying to tell you, even God!

Honestly...Don't Decide What You Think I Should Know

Honestly...Don't Decide For Me What You Think I Should Know

To me honesty is the most important part of any relationship. It is like standing in front of your partner completely naked with all of your blemishes out for them to see. At times it can be very difficult because there are things about us that we may be embarrassed about and yet it is freeing for us because they see us for who we are. Being dishonest or not being completely honest can be stressful and for the most part, totally unnecessary.

Let me make it clear, not everyone needs to know your business. A casual acquaintance does not need to know the most intimate details of your past. It's one thing to be transparent but telling everyone your business is just foolish. Common sense should let you know who you should tell what and when you should tell them. The one thing that I caution you on is to not wait too late to tell something of major importance.

I have a few friends who have sexually transmitted diseases that cannot be cured and they told me that they do not tell their partners about these diseases. They said that being honest in the past has left them lonely. Though I can empathize with them about this, I cannot agree with their lack of being forthcoming. Even if protection is used during intercourse, I would still like to know if someone is suffering from an incurable illness that could potentially be passed to me.

As I always say, we all come into relationships with blemishes. No one on this earth is perfect and we have all done some shameful things that we would like to never discuss. Most of us would like to bury our old self and resurrect our new being with a perfectly painted picture. But we know that doesn’t happen. We can try to wash clean our soiled clothing but a black light will surely embarrass you.

I have told my wife some embarrassing things about myself because she is my mate and my friend. Was she happy to hear many of these things? Of course not! I have no regrets in telling her though because I wanted her to know where I once was. She needed to know that this was Ilex of yesteryear and that the Ilex of today is a better man. Plus, I am a believer that what you do in the dark has a crazy way of coming out in the light.

Most of us believe that we can do anything we want to do but we are less enthusiastic about the possible fallout from these things. We are afraid to tell our mates about our past faults because we are afraid that they may not be able to handle them. So we hide these things in hopes that they will never be spoken of or come to light. Too bad life has this strange way of coming back to bite you in the hind parts.

I have seen with my own eyes husbands and wives finding out less than flattering news about their mates. These things sometimes have a way of coming out years after they happen and in places you would never imagine. Think about finding out some horrible things about your spouse second hand and in the most embarrassing of ways. Sometimes the fallout with these incidents are never repaired. I read an article where singer Gwen Stefani found out that her husband had a gay relationship in his past - AFTER they were married. They are still together (and we don’t know how that conversation went behind their closed doors) but something like this could be a deal breaker for most people.

When you go to buy a car, you usually get a Car Fax on it. You want to know as much as you can about that car's past because you are about to invest in that car. Once you get that report back, it's up to you to decide what you are going to do with it. Maybe you don't care that it has had several accidents or that it has had flood damage. Maybe you do care and you choose to look elsewhere. Ultimately the decision should be yours and you should have proper information before you make the decision.

I personally hate when someone says that something is their past and that it is none of your business. When you pledge to marry someone, everything about them is your business. Their past children become your children and their past debts become your debts. We should not pick and choose what we want to share about ourselves - let it all hang out. Many people will be willing to love you with all of your imperfections but when new information comes out, AFTER you’ve selectively shown them who you are, your relationship can take a serious hit that some people never overcome. It's better you be honest with me first and let me decide what I am going to do. Don't decide for me what you think I should know! When has a relationship ever been strengthened by dishonesty and/or secrets?!

Karma

Karma, Fellas... Do You Reap What You Sow?

"Karma" - Hinduism, Buddhism. Action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation.

Galatians 6:7 "Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap."

I am sure that if I did a word study that I would find other similar definitions of what happens to a man when he makes certain decisions. When you are younger and foolish, you may not think about the consequences of your actions. Maybe it's the pursuit of getting what we want that keeps us from paying attention and/or maybe we feel that we will take our punishments later?

It's so crazy to see what I have become and what my friends have become. We are now husbands, fathers, uncles, and God fathers. Our views of the world seem to be different than they were a few years ago. These guys used to run the streets with me and do some crazy things but now we are different people. Some of us however, have not had the good sense to change.

Most of us men are peculiar creatures. We like to dish out evil stock but we really do not want the return on our investments. You see now we are afraid of having daughters because we look back at some of the things we used to do. When we think about our war stories, they suddenly don't seem all that funny anymore - at least not when our little princesses or nieces come to mind.

When men are younger, we feel no sense of responsibility and ties - we felt that we could do whatever we pleased. All we wanted was to fulfill our needs and so some of us lied and did all manner of evil to get what we wanted from women. It didn't matter that she was someone's child. At this point in time, our Vulture mentality was at its absolute peak.

It's crazy but I hear my friends talk about what they are going to do to men if they try to disrespect their daughters and nieces. The running joke that most men make is that we are going to buy our shotguns for these little boys trying to pursue our pride and joy. What is sad about this in many cases is the fact that some of us are disrespecting the mothers of our daughters even to this very day. We want our child to have a healthy dating life and yet we are sowing a terrible seed in our own lives.

Think about what some of us are doing fellas - I know it sounds crass but I know of girls in college who have been recorded having sex with a guy and then have that tape blasted all around the school. I know of naked pictures and compromising situations in which many of my friends have had women.. Though I was probably the most tame of my friends, I was definitely no saint.

Maybe if we realized that these women were someone else's children and family members, we probably would not have been so eager to disrespect them. It's crazy how most men don't have a problem with seeing a woman's behind jiggle in a thong while tossing dollars at her, but let that be his daughter and someone has to die. It seems as if no one has a problem with watching someone else's daughter do filthy things for money but when that kid is ours, we will try to sue the distribution company so that no one will be able to watch the tape. Now we seem to care about what we call women because it's not too kosher to hear knuckleheads calling our babies out of their names.

Have we doomed our daughters by our own foolish actions? Clearly this is not always the case but this does make me reflect on my disrespect of women. When you look into your little girl’s eyes, you think about all of the things that you hope she will become. We often forget that the women that we hurt and disrespected are daughters themselves. Maybe if we think about what our future princesses will mean to us, we wouldn't be so quick to hurt other peoples’ princesses!

Fantasies are meant for movies and novels

Fantasies are Meant for Movies and Novels...Not Marriages


It amazes me that the world we live in sees things that were once called corrupt as now being normal. Nothing is off limits anymore – it now seems like everything goes. Couples have now changed their minds on the things they feel are acceptable and respectful. The boundaries that were once set no longer seem to exist.

While reading several magazines and Internet articles, I've come across the subject of fantasizing about other people instead of your mate. Both men and women now say that they do not care if their mate is thinking about someone else while they are making love. They say that it does not matter to them as long as they are being satisfied. Even the so called experts weigh in by saying that it is healthy to have fantasies as long as those fantasies do not get in the way of your relationship.

To many it's not disrespectful if the other party is not aware. But my question is where do we draw the line? Is it ok if we fantasize about our favorite entertainer while making love? Is it bad to fantasize about an ex? Or do we only draw the line when things get too close for comfort and our mates are dreaming about doing filthy things to our best friend?

I have friends who engage in talks with their spouses about who they would be allowed to cheat with, if given the opportunity. I am not sure if this is just purely for jokes or if this list is compiled with the hopes of being fulfilled. I must admit these games don't work in my house - I am not sharing my wife with any one not named Ilex Bien-Aime. I don't like to joke about it either.

I understand that we live in a world that is filled with beautiful people. We will see attractive people everywhere we go. I am not saying that it's horrible to find someone else attractive even if it's one of your spouse’s friends, but seriously do we not feel the need to draw a line? My mind and my actions have changed a great deal since I've been married. When I used to see attractive women, I would break my neck trying to look at them. Now I look and give a brief admiration and go about my business. My wife may not be with me but I respect her anyway. I don't bring these women home with me mentally and I definitely don't bring them into my bedroom.

I try not to have conversations with my friends when they are talking about famous women that they would like to sleep with. I guess I look at it this way -Paula Patton may be an attractive woman and she may be star but at the end of the day, she is just another woman. I would never walk down the street with my wife and point out a woman that I would love to sleep with. She would never point out a guy that she would like to sleep with, yet we think it ok to mention some star who we think “could get it”. Think about that last sentence seriously! It is never a good idea to make your mate jealous even if the person is unattainable. Am I supposed to then be ok that my wife would love to sleep with another man if given the chance?

What ever happened to the true bonding of relationships and of the marriage bed? How are we becoming one when there are at least three of us in the act? How is it fair to your partner when you mentally bring home the porn star, the stripper, or your ex? Are we now so caught up in the new way of thinking and behavior that we have forgotten what the Lord Himself said about adultery? Adultery is not just the act of having relations with someone else other than your spouse. Adultery is looking upon someone else with lust in your heart (Matthew 5:27). In the end I think it wise to make sure that you keep your mind on your partner and not on others. If our end goal is true intimacy with our spouses, I guarantee that you will not get there by fantasizing about someone else!

We Are Ruining Our Women

We Are Ruining Our Women

I hear men complaining about damaged women all of the time. If you were to listen to most men, you would believe that we are always the correct and sane sex, while women are crazy and always wrong. Too bad life is never really that black and white. Long before the book "Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus" was written, men and women knew that we could not have come from the same planet. In all honesty men and women really don't see eye to eye on most subjects. At the same time though, we see and know more than we let on that we see and know.

I've written before that "Men are Vultures" because like the bird, we like to attack what we consider to be weaker prey. Men love opportunity and we will pounce on you when you are at your weakest point. Unless a man has been hiding under a rock all of his life, he generally knows the biggest weaknesses of women. Like a trained boxer, if he sees a cut under your eye, he will keep punching at it so that he can exploit it. This is why I can't defend men completely when women attack us for our misdeeds.

Back in the day men used to lie to women in order to get what they wanted. Over time we realized that there was no need to lie. We can now tell you the truth and still get the same results but without the negative names and labels that women used to apply to our deceit. At some point most women have heard “I am not looking for a serious relationship”. If you haven't heard it, trust me you will. That is the famous clause that both men and women use however the “male lawyer mind” has perfected it.

Telling a woman that we are not looking for a serious relationship is our way of saying, just in case something goes wrong with this little "agreement" we have, you don't have grounds to disrespect me or be upset because I told you so from the beginning. If you look back at my article, "Your Weaknesses Used Against You," you will see I have written that men know exactly what we are doing when we tell you we are not looking for anything serious. We know that women tend to say that they are cool with this arrangement at first but the law of averages will tell you, that most women cannot handle It. The man thinks that because we can say "I told you so," we are somehow exonerated.

Men, like women, love to be in relationships. The difference between the sexes is that at some point women tend to want one man and men tend to want many women with that main woman leading the pack. Men want the benefits of being in a relationship but do not want the responsibility of the relationship. So he is willing to take you out, come over your house to watch "Love Jones," and in many cases spend quality time with you doing whatever. He will unofficially be your man but trust me, he officially still believes that he is not your man.

Deep down fellas, we are ruining our women because we use what we know are their weaknesses against them, for our own selfish gain. If you know that women think a certain way and you still choose to do certain things, you should hold yourself accountable for your dishonesty. You are purposely riding this gravy train and in many cases are purposely being misleading. You really don't care that she will be hurt in this, all you care about is getting what you can get for as long as you can get it.
I understand that this is frustrating for both sides. On one hand we are telling women the truth. One the other hand women claim to understand and maybe even believe that they can survive the “just friends” category, yet both sides are GUILTY! Men are guilty because we know the results of this game before we start to play and women are guilty for deciding to play and then screaming foul once the game gets heated.
For my future daughters, I hope that men will change and learn to be more responsible. At the same time, if men never change I write this so that my future daughters and other women will decide not to get caught up in this foolish game.

Love Her As You Love Yourself

 Love Her as You Love Yourself

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.-Ephesians 5:25-33.

Fellas, we are often thinking of marriage from a one way street. We want our wives to respect us and to submit to us but we aren't willing to love them as we love ourselves. We often treat our wives as second class citizens and not the blessing that they should be to us. Our wives are not just an extension of us, they are us! Who would deprive himself happiness, love, and respect? Yet we do this to our wives all too often. The bible tells us that we need to be considerate as we live with our wives, and treat them with respect. The Word goes as far as saying, that if we don't respect our wives, this could result in the Lord not hearing our prayers.- 1Peter 3:7.

Maybe some of us need to step up to the plate and become the men God expects us to be. We feel that we can run the streets, stay out all hours of the night, and visit places that disrespect our marriages. It's crazy how we want to burden our wives and criticize them for the things that they don't do and yet we do not recognize the inadequacies within ourselves. We wonder why our houses are always in turmoil but forget to acknowledge our part in this turmoil. We are supposed to be the priests of our homes and yet God is the last person on our minds.

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.-Colossians 3:19. As men we tend to treat our wives as if they are just some dude walking down the street. Some of us aren't as loving as we could and/or should be. We can use the excuse that it's just not in our nature, but we would pretty much be lying. We knew how to be kind in the dating process so we should remember that this is the woman that we fell in love with and the woman to whom we promised all of these great things. Besides, when has being harsh to our wives provided us with happy moments?

I've never been big on the term “happy wife, happy life” but I do see the benefits of following the instructions set up by God. When a man follows God, his steps are illuminated. He begins to see things from a much better standpoint than before. He sees his wife as a help meet and as a gift. He sees that his actions towards his wife are the same steps Jesus took for all of us. In the end we should recognize that when we do as the Lord says, we are pleasing in His sight. From there, because we are pleasing to Him, we will then be pleased. I am not saying that everyday will be walks in the park and making love under the pale moonlight, however I bet your life would run a lot smoother.

Submit Yourself

Christ Submitted to God...Man Submits to Christ... The Wife Submits to Her Husband


And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. -Genesis 2:21-24.

We hear these verses all of the time but it never really seems to hit home for most people. Sure it sounds good to say that we are one flesh but we really don't WANT to be ONE. I've noticed that people are too caught up in being individuals who happen to share the same last name and some bills but they still believe themselves to be individuals. Husbands want to go one way and wives want to go the other way. There is always this push and pull. Even the Lord says, "Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand."-Matthew 12:25.

All too often, marriages consist of two people trying to be the Indian Chief. About a year ago my wife and I attended group counseling at church. Within the course there were several women who admitted that they did not know if they would be able to submit to their husbands. This is a very important problem in most marriages because there cannot be two heads. Don't get me wrong, I can empathize with women on this subject. On one hand you are raised to be independent and self sufficient and then on the other hand you are called to submit to your husband. That can be a hard pill to swallow.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.-Ephesians 5:22-24.

These are not my words but are the words of God. Many times women refuse to submit to their husbands, who by order of God deserves that respect. But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.-1 Corinthians 11:3.

Before women start to tune me out, I am not saying that a woman becomes our child or pet that we can order around without her say. A wife is also to be respected and consulted about how the family will be run, however she must still yield to her husband. She should have chosen a Godly man because when you chose a Godly man, you know that you can trust his steps. Christ submits Himself to God, man submits himself to Christ, and a woman submits herself to her husband. When these steps are properly followed, there is no chance for failure. As it currently stands, some men aren't willing to submit to God and when they do submit to God, their wives do not submit to them.

To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it. Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.”-Genesis 3:17-19. When the family is not living according to the will of God, the husband is held accountable, not the wife. She and the children cannot just do their own things.

Marriage, in it's own way, is our religious faith all wrapped together. It's about submission, serving, humility, love, forgiveness, purity, and spirituality. Submitting to your husband and letting him be the priest and the leader of the home is not for the husband’s benefit but for the wife’s. Ultimately, your actions are about pleasing the Lord. When we fail at that, it's because we are deficient in one or more of these areas. We are so busy fighting to keep these individual deficiencies that we allow our marriages to falter. We are too selfish and self centered to make this thing work. There are too many people saying “I” and listening to this new age hype of what marriage should be. Marriage has always been and will always be two individuals becoming one flesh. The sooner people get back to that, the better marriages will become.

No Means No

No Means No


I have a lot of female friends. When you have friends of the opposite sex , you tend to hear a lot of things. Women are truly from another planet - not trying to be disrespectful- I am just saying we see things differently. It amazes me how most men understand a situation in a certain way and at the same time most women see the exact situation in a totally different light.

A prime example of this point is when a man and a woman first meet. They may go out on a date and eventually they start asking normal date questions. One of those questions usually pertains to the future dating intentions of the other. "What are you looking for in a relationship right now?" is a big question. And if a man is semi decent, he will tell you that he is not looking for anything serious, if he in fact is not. I am not saying that you should ask for the check right then, but if you want something more, you probably shouldn't see him again.

When you are younger, this probably does not matter as much. You may not be looking for the man of your dreams at that point. In this case, I say date around and find what you want . And I didn't say “sleep around”, so please understand the difference. Usually women start to think of marriage and families before men do. When a women is finally ready to get married and start a family, she no longer sees it fit to waste time (or at least you wouldn't think so).

Men, for the most part, see dating in a different light. Because of society and because of our own foolish nature we have the fear of commitment. We spend most of our early adult years fantasizing about the women we hoped to have had and about the women we mistakenly believe we are going to get. We are stuck on the thought that marriage means sleeping with one woman until the day we die. So we usually hold out on marriage until we are sure -which tends to be after several years and after several women.

Odds are many women catch a man at a time when he is truly not looking for anything serious. When a man says this, ladies please take him at his word. Do you know how many times I have heard women say, "he is a dog" and "he lead me on"? He did not lie to you. Didn’t he tell you that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship? Wasn’t he honest with you from the very beginning?

When a man says that he is not looking for anything serious, he is saying that he wants to hang out with no responsibility and with no guilt attached to seeing you. If another girl calls you can't get upset. If your girls see him out with someone else you shouldn't be angry. He is not promising you anything except maybe a nice dinner and a few laughs each time you go out. However, the mistake is made when you decide to let the situation become physical.

Casual relationships are never a good idea, especially when you know that you want more. I think one of the biggest mistakes that a woman can make is thinking that she can change a man's mind. Trust me, it will not work! Yes in some rare cases a man has gone from being on the fence about a relationship to falling head over heels for a casual acquaintance however ladies, are you willing to take that chance with your heart and emotions?

I've had women tell me that they meet a guy and casually date. The guy lets them know up front that he is not looking for anything serious. A little time passes and they start to hang out more often. In my friends’ minds they feel as if the relationship is starting to become more serious. Some are afraid to ask what the guy is thinking but they hope by this increased dating frequency that this means he is finally changing his mind and now wants to take her seriously.

Please listen to my urgent warning! A man can show you all the "signs" of being interested in settling down with you. Unless he tells you this, PLEASE DO NOT ASSUME THAT THIS IS THE CASE! Sure he loves hanging with you and sure you may be the type of woman that he may eventually want but until he decides that he wants you to be his forever, you should stay clear of him. As I always say, men are Vultures. We love the opportunity that presents itself in these situations. It's like having the benefits of a relationship but without having an actual girlfriend. It's freelance dating at its best.

Men believe that by telling you that they are not interested in a serious relationship, this gives them the ability to do as they please. This is his way of protecting himself from being called a dog or whatever names women call men. He believes that he is justified because it is a fact that he is not lying to you. So instead of him lying to you, you begin to lie to yourself. You start off saying “ok, I will just hang with him and although I want more, I will not rock the boat”. Then it becomes “ok now I am having feelings for him and he seems to want more, eventually he will settle”. Either way you look at it, he warned you about where he was and you ignored him. You even ignored yourself. Dating is complicated but we tend to complicate it even more with our foolish mistakes. I say dating will become that much easier for you ladies when you realize that no means no!

Truth and Honesty

Trust and Honesty...The Pillars That Hold All Relationships Together
 
 
They say that two of the strongest pillars within any relationship are trust and honesty. Without them, we have nothing. When polling my friends on what they considered to be relationship deal breakers - you guessed it - lack of trust and honesty were at the top of all issues. Unfortunately many of us have lost our ability to fully trust others.
 
Remember when we were young, we trusted everything. For some of us, the worst lie ever told was about Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. For years we were taught to trust our families and the only people we were taught not to trust were strangers. However some of us lost our ability to trust from those who were supposed to be the most trustworthy people in our lives. Mothers have sold children for drugs. Fathers, uncles, and brothers have taken the innocence from so many. Now we trust no one!
 
Time and time again we managed to drop our guards just long enough for someone to ruin our trust that much more. Before we know it, we are suspicious of everything that comes out of someone else's mouth. We begin to enter relationships from a “guilty until proven innocent” stance instead of “innocent until proven guilty”. Our tolerance levels are now becoming smaller and smaller. It sometimes seems to others that we are looking to catch them up in a lie, but to us it is all about protection. We are just waiting for you to show who you really are.
 
Some relationships get past this initial weeding out of untrustworthy people. We are able to survive and suppress our lack of trust yet the truth is that it has not fully gone away. To me this is the saddest thing about relationships because we have to pay and are making others pay for mistakes we/they did not make. We even get married to people we do not fully trust.
 
I guess that is why I am so honest and blunt about things and that is why I hate being lied to. My friends tell me that I am too honest but I see it as if other people are not honest enough. Over time we have been taught that lying is okay, depending on the reason for the lie. We’ve even named them “ little white lies” . Some of us think that we are not lying because we don't say certain things, but lying by omission can hurt in the same manner as a blatant lie.
 
People sometimes think that they are lying to protect you but in the end, no one is protected from the sting of a lie. Most of the time the reality is that people lie mostly to protect themselves. They are afraid of what you may say or what you may think of them. Too bad the world is small. You can only hold on to a lie for so long. When you least expect the truth to surface and in the most unlikely of places, the truth usually does appear. At that moment the relationship has taken a hit from which it may never recover. For others, that healing can take years.
 
The best relationships are the ones where people know just about everything about their partners. Some things are embarrassing and unflattering however because of your honesty, they don't seem as bad. We all come into relationships with stains on our lives - no one is perfect. Some people come into relationships with larger stains than others and are afraid to let them be seen but that is not fair to your mate. You can hold on to that notion that your past is just your past all you want, however I have seen it come back to haunt people time and time again.. It's better that you tell me the flattering with the unflattering things so that I can make the decision of whether or not I want to be with you. When you take that away from me, you show what I consider a lack of untrustworthy behavior and you seem as if you are trying to paint a different picture of yourself.
 
People think that it is the big lies that ruin relationships, however to me it's the little lies that add up. When you can't or don't tell the truth on things that are so small, you make your mate believe that you will lie on the bigger things. It's better you tell the truth and say something that I don't want to hear than to lie to me. Dishonesty is disrespectful and will never help a relationship grow. If you want to keep your mate, be sure to make trust and honesty priorities in your life!

TOO YOUNG TO BE SO SERIOUS

Too Young to be so Serious

Often times when I sit down to write, I think of my future children. I think about the things that I have gone through and about how I see those situations much differently now. In life you really don't get “do-overs” but if I could keep my children away from some of the unnecessary heartaches that I have faced, I will try my best to do so. Often times we think about the monetary fortune that we will leave them with but we tend to neglect the fortune of wisdom itself.

I wish that I would have learned not to take dating so seriously at such an early age. Being raised by women, my view of dating differed from most men. I was not the kind of guy who believed in a lot of messing around. Sure I did it once or twice but for the most part, I was a serial monogamist. Now that I look back at it, it was crazy that I was always in love with somebody. From the movies I watched and stories I’d heard, I swear to you that I thought I would find my wife in high school or college and live happily ever after I didn’t realize how unrealistic this scenario really is. As much as we think we know what we want out of life and relationships, we now look back and realize that our thoughts have changed several times. When we were 17-22 years old, what did we really know about anything? We barely knew what we wanted our major to be in college and yet we were trying to be in these life changing courtships!

I look back at my twenties and realize that I wasted so much time chasing after relationships that were doomed to fail. We were young and now out on our own. Unlike when we were in college, we now had apartments, cars, and money to spend. This should have been the most selfish time of our lives! Not in a malicious or hurtful way but we should have taken this time to truly discover who we really were and what we really wanted but what did I do? I complicated things by chasing after women that I had no business chasing after!

Whether we realize it or not, we try to grow up too fast. In many cases instead of us learning to grow on our own, we add unnecessary crutches and stumbling blocks to our lives. We barely know what we want while trying to cater to the needs of others. At that time we tried to play “adult house”, when we should have been trying to get our own house in order. We spent too many days and nights crying and moaning for people to whom we gave too much power and attention. Now these people are an after thought, yet the complications from those relationships still haunt us to this very day.

I still have friends who are serial monogamist. They cannot stand to be alone. They break up with one person and are moving them out just to help another person move in. Serial monogamists usually do not see the real issue. They are using others to fill a void that can never truly be filled by anyone else. Often times they don't really want the person that they are dating, they just don't want to be alone. It's a destructive pattern -it's like being hungry but deciding to snack on chips and cookies. They will never really satisfy you and they are hurting you more than they are helping you.

I am a true believer that we should date around and have fun while we are younger. That does not mean sleep around or whore around and maliciously play games with other people, but just go out and discover who you are and what you really want. More times than not, you will discover that your wants and likes will change drastically over time. Things that you thought were important, mean little to you now. Some of us should also practice being alone. We often ask God to show us our next step or to speak to us and then we never stay still or quiet long enough to hear Him speak. It's great getting to know another person and finding the one to spend the rest of your days with but I will remind my children to be a little selfish and learn about themselves first.

NO VALID REASON TO CHEAT PART II

You Have no Reason to Cheat Part II

Men, like women, cheat for a variety of reasons. Though sex is a large factor in male infidelity, it's usually bigger than just the physical act. Like women, men love to feel desired. A woman wants to be told that she is beautiful but a man wants you to show him that you find him sexy.
Many women are quick to point out the fact that men are dogs and assume that men cheat because of sex and nothing but sex yet research proves otherwise. One reason for it, according to an article I read on Huffington Post.Com, is that women lose focus on the relationship once children come into the picture. In addition, (although it may not seem like men care), they often step outside of their marriage because their emotional needs are not being met. One of the biggest reasons that a man cheats on his wife is because his mate can sometimes be overly critical of him.

Just as we did not dismiss the woman's perspective in this equation, we cannot dismiss the male side. Women you must take responsibility for some of this. Now truth be told, men cannot physically carry children and cannot physically bring children into the world. We will never truly know the bond between mother and child. I definitely think that men should have a little understanding as far as this is concerned at the same time women must find a way to better balance between the child and her man. I had a friend once tell me that if she had to choose between her child and husband, she would choose her child - this should not be. Re-read your vows and you will see that you vowed to forsake all others for him. Your child is no exception to that rule. No one is asking you to forsake the child either because it is his child also. We just want our quality time.

Ladies, please understand that your husband needs you emotionally more than he shows it. He does not do a lot of talking or crying but the weight of the world is forever on his shoulders. Often times as a man, he feels disrespected at work but he stays the course because his family comes first. He is never truly comfortable because he knows that if something goes wrong within his house, people will blame him. When he feels that he cannot count on you to be there for him, he will seek to find these traits that you once showed him, possibly in the arms of another woman.

Many men feel that their wives are overly critical and as Prince says, "maybe you're just like my mother, she's never satisfied." Often times he feels as if he cannot do right by you. In some ways you knew who he was when you married him and yet you still went ahead with it. Now you are angry because he has not become what you wanted him to be. My wife always says, "men want a woman who will not change and women want a man who will." Though men should look to improve themselves, it is just as unrealistic for him to change as it is for you not to change. Your man sometimes sees you coveting what others have and though he works his fingers to the bone, you still want more. Because you can't have some of the fancy things other people have you start talking to him and treating him disrespectfully. He then will start looking to get respect from other women because the odds are somebody out there is willing to take him with the little bit he has. But make no mistakes about it fellas, any new woman will more than likely become what your wife was. She thinks you are great now but she does not sleep with you every night.

It is not a news flash that men love sex. You know the research - men think about sex several times a day. When we finish getting it, we start thinking about when we are going to get it again. But a very valuable point that women miss is that sex is more than just physical for us. When your woman can't keep her hands off you, it makes you feel as if she thinks you are the sexiest man on Earth. She needs words of affirmation but the man needs her to show it with her actions. Most men know that they can have sex with their wives however, no man wants to feel as if you are doing it out of obligation. To us it's like you are saying, “ok I will do it today and maybe he won't ask again for a couple of days”. Ladies you have to remember that in many cases you did change. When you were first dating, you used to do it anywhere and any place - now he feels that he has to make an appointment.

I do not claim to be a marriage counselor and I am trying to find my way in my own marriage. I know for a fact that marriage is hard. Men are definitely from Mars and women are definitely from Venus. Like all couples my wife and I argue and have our own issues. With that being said, I stay true to my vows. They say “for better or for worse” and “till death do us part” as well as “forsaking all others”. I don't have kids so I can't speak about the emotional disconnect that comes from that. What I will tell you is that, if you cannot solve that issue yourself, you need to find professional help. When your wife is not being supportive or if she is being overly critical, you need to call her on it. If you can't figure it out, you need to seek help.

One thing that I do know about women is that they will give you extra loving, if you give them extra attention and care. With that being said, ladies, you have to be willing to step your game up as well. Just as initiating sex does not come naturally to you, holding hands and cuddling does not come naturally to us. Both sides have to make a true effort in this regard.

Lastly, men and women have to learn to be more mature when it comes to marriage. You are not always going to get exactly what you want when you want it. Relationships are hard work. They do not come without challenges and we have to learn to adjust accordingly. Fellas, a woman that you just met will listen to you and she will tell you all of the things that you want to hear. She only knows you for a couple of hours. Trust me, when she really gets to know you, she will probably try to change you also. Under NO circumstance is cheating the way to go. If you air your grievances and you seek counseling and it still can't be resolved, TRY HARDER! Odds are, the first step that needs to be taken to resolve the issue is that you need to evaluate yourself and change your own ways. There is never a side that is 100%. No matter the issue, when it is all said and done, you have no valid reason to cheat!

NO VALID REASON TO CHEAT PART I

You Have no Valid Reason to Cheat Part I



I often wonder, why do people get into serious relationships and or marriages if they know that they are going to stray? Athletes, actors, presidents, senators, preachers, and just plain old blue collar men and women cheat. There are so many reasons and excuses for why people cheat. But whether your situation has a compelling argument or not is irrelevant - you took a vow in front of family, friends, and most importantly, God! If you aren't married, nothing is keeping you in that relationship. Why don't you leave?! Cheating should not be an option - Cheating is NOT an option.

Ladies, we will start with why you say that you cheat. In reading several articles and blogs, one of the main reasons that a woman cheats is because she is seeking revenge. Another reason given is that she wants to know that she still has “it” ( sex appeal). She also cheats because she wants to feel a connection. Others cheat because of sexual boredom, while some cheat because they want to leave the relationship. They just do not want to verbally express this.

Before I just dismiss these reasons, I want to take a serious look at them. Men, please understand that you play at least some part in your woman going astray. Do you think it is ok to go running around and think that she will welcome you home with open arms? This reminds me of an old Johnny Taylor song that says, "who's making love to your ole lady, while you’re out making love."

Fellas, we generally know what it takes to capture a woman's heart and yet we act like we don't know what she wants when we get her. While courting her, we used to take her out and buy her nice little gifts. We used to tell her how beautiful she was and we made her feel like a queen. Now we treat her like an old pair of Air Force Ones. She's lost that new shoe smell so now it's time to get a new pair.

Remember when we used to talk to our woman for hours. It seemed like we could talk about anything. It was refreshing and fun. Now we really can't string three sentences together. Once, “you hang up” – “no, you hang up” has now become, “dang I wish that she would shut up!” Now, the only way you try to connect is in the bedroom.

At some point men, we have to take our own actions into account. With that being said ladies, this in no way makes you less (or not) guilty of your infractions. You can't teach a man a lesson by sleeping with another man. If he is the man that you want to keep, you just lost him with your betrayal. Even if he cheated on you 80 times, if you cheat on a man once, your relationship is pretty much over.

Just as men have to take some responsibility for the situation, ladies you have a role also. When you are trying to impress a man, you go all out. Not too many Hanes cottons are seen on your body when he is around. To get him, you used to show him those Frederick's of Hollywood outfits and now it's “bloomer time”. Yes, we all gain weight over time and a man does not have children so he does not know what it feels like to have baby weight but ladies, you can't stop trying to impress your man. He should love you for you but remember also that your sexy body played some role in that. He at least needs to see that you are trying.

As far as having a connection and boredom are concerned, I caution women that you are playing a very dangerous game. Most men are alike - we know how to reel you in - we just forget about what to do with you once you've been “caught”. Your mate used to listen to you too, remember? You once had a connection with him, or so you thought. Now this dude, who has no ties to you, comes around and listens to your problems and goes away seeming like the guy of your dreams. Well of course he does because he walks away from the conversation with nothing really invested. He gets all the frills from you and there is no established drama or situations for him to reference. I guarantee that more times than not, he ends up a lot like your old guy.

Sex is another story all together. Let's face it, men are one trick ponies in this area. We will continue to do the things that we saw on the latest porn. We developed a trusty move years before we met you and because no one ever said anything otherwise, we continue with that. You once liked the sex and now because it has not evolved, you seek it elsewhere. Part of the blame goes to you ladies. You have to know how to properly get your man to do what you want him to do. When a woman asks right, a man is willing to do just about anything. He wants to please you because he knows that if he does, he will be pleased in return. But what you seek does not come natural to him. With men it only takes a few pumps to get to the promised land but for you it's different. The new guy will excite you for awhile but trust me, unless he is that rare Deuce Bigalow, he too will become stale!

KEEP YOUR PAST AWAY FROM ME

Keep Your Past Away From Me


Relationships are difficult. It's two people from different backgrounds and life experiences trying to come together as one. There are so many things and influences that are involved in making a relationship work. Though not every couple will struggle with the same issues, one issue seems to be universal - most of us come into new relationships with past love lives.

When you meet the "love of your life" odds are, he or she has dated several people before you and vice versa. As a result, by the time you have found that special person, you have broken several hearts and/or you have had your heart broken several times. You probably participated in several flings and a few long term romances. Scattered in between those relationships are people that you casually slept with along the way. And even though these experiences have led you to become the person that your mate loves, they can also complicate your relationship.

By the time we have found our "soul mates", we are loaded with so much baggage that we are barely able to walk straight. We are now learning to deal with a new person who has new views and different ways of handling things. We soon begin to learn that even though this person is the best of the people we have dated, they come with a new set of imperfections.

As I said before, relationships are not easy. So why do we complicate them by allowing others to interfere? We can't erase our pasts and our past dating resumes even if we wanted to. What I am learning is that you can obsess over your mate’s history but it will not help your current relationship. With that being said, you should make sure, if at all possible, to keep your past from your present.

Of course not every situation will be the same so there are exceptions to this premise. Some people have to deal with exes because they have children together. In these cases, you have to make the decision whether or not you want to date that individual. Some people will find that this is no big deal, while others will choose not to pursue this route. There are some things that quite frankly are beyond your control. However, you must master the things over which you do have control.

I remember watching a commercial a few years ago that made me mad and has stuck with me ever since. In the commercial there is a man watching TV with his girlfriend. The guys asks, "Where did you get that sweater?" to which she replies, "It belonged to my last boyfriend." He then says, "How come you don't wear any of my sweaters?" She then replies, "I dunno. His are bigger. Bigger is just more comfortable." The guy finally says, "He sounds like a really big guy." She then replies, "He was."

While reading Men's Health Magazine the other day, a guy asked what should he do about his girlfriend wearing her ex’s boxer shorts. When I talked to some girl friends about this, they said that they still own boxer shorts from old boyfriends. According to them the shorts were about comfort and they had no sentimental value. They say that it would be different if we still had our old girlfriends’ underwear because we can't wear those. Though this may be true, it's not about the underwear - it's about what the underwear represents.

The underwear represents your past. A time when you were madly in love with someone else. This person once gave you butterflies. You once called your friends bragging about them. In some cases this person has seen you naked and has been intimate with you. If your past is truly your past, then stop leaving around the reminders of your past. No one should have to deal with this.

I have a girl friend who says that she has a box filled with old love notes and pictures of ex-boyfriends. She said that when she moved into her new apartment, she left the box at her mother's house. When I asked why she hadn't thrown the box away, she said that she didn't want to give away the memories. But I think that this is the real problem. Our past needs to seriously be left in the past. Dwelling on the past will not help the present and trust me, it WILL HURT YOUR FUTURE!

I read an article where a man was digging in his attic and found a box of love notes from his wife's old love interest. The notes gave intimate details of their sexual romps and this drove the husband crazy. Some will say that he should not have read the notes but why were those notes in their house and in their lives? If he is your husband, than you do not need to keep this past record of lost loves.

When I started getting serious with my wife, before we got married, I threw away my old box of notes, letters, and pictures. These women were no longer important to me and they were not worth the potential drama that could have come from my wife finding traces of them. There are no journals filled with memories to make her jealous or to give her a mental picture of my past. She was all of the woman that I wanted and all the woman that I needed. So why should I hold on to these past memories?

Most women and men think differently about this subject but I’ll tell you one thing, you need to make sure that you honor your marriage as best as you can. So are you going to fight to keep these constant reminders? What might this cost your relationship? If the past is no longer important to you, then you need to let that crap go. Why would you allow notes, pictures, poetry, journals, and other similar things to ruin your current good thing? If your past was so great, then you would still be there and maybe you need to go back there. But if not, please keep your past away from me.

NOT THE BEST OF YOU...BUT THE REST OF YOU

I've always hated being called a "good guy" or a "nice guy". When it comes to women, nice guys usually finish last. A woman once told me that I would be a great guy to marry but she thought that I was too nice of a guy to date. I spent years trying to figure this out and I must admit that I am still very much confused.

I always thought that I was part of the cool crew because I was well known in school. I was on the debate team and I was a jock as well I always dressed the part and looked the part but I was not what women were looking for at the time. As crazy at it sounds (and it does sound crazy), I had too much respect for women. I was taught to be a gentleman. To be the type of man who would listen to you when you needed a friend, open the door for you when we were out, and to treat you with the respect that women deserve. That, my friend, did not work! All of my girl friends said that they wanted the traits that they saw in me for their man but always seemed to choose the opposite.

Women say that they want a man who will listen to them but instead fall for men who can care less about anything that they have to say. Women say that they want to be romanced and yet they choose the guy that calls only when he needs something. Women say that they want a dependable man and yet they often chose a man who they know is not and will never be dependable. Often times a man does not know what a woman wants because she confuses him with the things that she says versus the things that she does. So I began to ask what was I doing wrong and why did women want the opposite of me?

When I got to college, I tried for a brief period to live outside of myself. I must admit, this time period brought about a change in my dating career. Though it brought various women to me, it also made me lose a little respect for females.. Seeing myself mistreat women was not how I was raised - but women loved it! Trying to be a good man only left you in the "future guy" category. You know the "future guy" - he is the guy that you eventually settle down with but not right now. When reading an article on Ask.Com they said that," A bad boy exudes untamed masculinity, independence, and confidence. To women, these traits--especially confidence--are an aphrodisiac. The problem is, in the hands of the bad boy, confidence becomes selfish arrogance." You see, the good guy is too boring and straight laced. He is predictable and can easily be run over. At least that is what some women seem to think!

I now look back at the so called "bad boy" and I see that he is still up to his old ways. He is the guy with no job and yet his clothes cost more than mine - and I work everyday. He is the one playing PlayStation from the time his woman goes to work to when she comes home. His woman also bought the clothes and the video game. He is driving her car, and using her credit card. On many occasions he has used that card and her money for other women. When the rent and other bills are due, and when she needs him the most, he is nowhere to be found. Even with all of his losing ways, it seems as if it will still take an act of God for her to get rid of him!

For the most part, the "good guy" does get the girl in the end, but at what cost to him?. He has been told all this time that he was not fit to be anything more than a friend or a future option. He sees himself as being the safe bet and trust me, no man wants to feel that way. The same passion that you once had for the "bad boy" does not seem to be the same passion that you have for him. The "bad boy" used to disrespect you and call you out of your name, but you were sexing him up like crazy. Now you need to feel committed and loved so that you can be in the mood. A good guy has no problem with treating you with respect but it is only human for him to wonder why you could be somebody else's tramp and then want him to treat you like a lady. This man cooks, cleans, and helps pay the bills and now you want to ration sex with him. The other guy did little to nothing and you used to let him roll over on you whenever he wanted. Good guys know that and it bothers us all. We may or may not say it but it is the truth. So I ask, now you want me when you have been used and abused? You truly haven't given me the best of you, just the rest of you.

THE EXCEPTION IS NOT THE RULE

The Exception Is Not The Rule

A few weeks ago my wife and I watched two movies. The movies were titled "No Strings Attached" and "Better Than Sex." The premise of "No Strings Attached" is that the two main characters would begin a sexual relationship that would continue but only if they remained true to the promise of not falling for each other. In "Better Than Sex" the characters decide to have a one night stand and think that this would not be that big of a deal because the male character in the story was to leave town for good in three days.

Though you have never seen these movies, you have probably seen many movies just like these. Ultimately the characters begin to develop feelings for each other. They try to deny their feelings but in the end they begin to pursue a relationship and live happily ever after. Unfortunately this is not the real world. Sure some people have gotten together based on one night stands and or casual sexual encounters but this is definitely the exception to the rule.

We have already established that men and women view things differently. For the most part sex is just sex for the male. Have there been times when a man wanted more than just a casual sexual encounter with a woman, of course. Have there been times when a woman only wanted sex and nothing more, of course. Yet we must realize that these are not the rules, they are the exceptions to the rules.

I cannot tell you how many times a girlfriend of mine has gotten her feelings hurt because she tried to play this crazy game. Think of the times when you said to yourself or others that you were a grown woman and if you wanted to have sex, that is what you were going to do. Now think about the times that you said this and ultimately regretted having sex. It seemed like a good idea at the time because your hormones were raging but when it was all said and done, you felt empty because of it. When asked can a woman be friends with benefits Dr. Laura Berman writes in The Book of Love, "It's possible, but there's a catch-22. If a tumble is satisfyingly complete for a woman, her brain becomes flooded with the bonding chemical oxytocin. Most women won't be able to have good sex with you and not become attached."

So many times I have heard women claim that they see sex in a different light than men. They say that sex is more than just the physical and that it is also an emotional bound. So than I ask, how do you think that you can just have casual sex, if you need an emotional bound? Do you think that you can train yourself to get rid of your emotions? Do you think that like these Hollywood movies that one day you will meet the man of your dreams while having meaningless sex with him? How long will you continue claiming one thing, while pursuing the total opposite? Do the rules not apply to you because you are the one exception to them?!